Top 10 ways Habs can win Round 1 VS. The Senators

That's right folks. From 15th to 2nd, your Montreal Canadiens are Divisional Champions. And because the Bruins appear to still be in a coma, they lost their deciding game, and ripped out of the gleeful fingers of HNiC the "sure bet" (not really) Habs-Leafs playoffs series everyone but myself was waiting for. (Even though there will be plenty of chances for that under the new format, assuming the Red Wings don't ruin everything, which they do). Instead, we get to ride the fucking 417 to Ottawa while stabbing ourselves in the ears over every Erik Karlsson lovefest while dodging raccoons and trucks.

Seriously folks, I'm glad for the Thursday start, but I can't take four days of every mediot gushing over Karlsson. I'm not going to make it.

But fear not! Top 10 ways is back for this sprinted season! So if I don't survive til Thursday, here's hoping the Habs do, and prep themselves accordingly.

10. Lars Eller will switch jerseys with David Desharnais between shifts, especially when a powerplay is designated, guaranteeing him at least 20 minutes of ice time to score a goal and set up 2 others. People will casually forget how tall he is, and maybe not notice altogether as they'll be blinded by the glow of his pale Scandinavian skin.

9. Jarred Tinordi vs Jared Cowen. Mind = Blown. (Or maybe that was just Cowen's knee again. Again).

8. If you see a guy with crazy hair and a wild beard who's a "son" of an "Alfred", probably a good idea not to have a Bouillon on the ice. Especially with a few minutes left in a period where he might score a goal while you blinked.

7. If we've all fallen asleep by the 2nd period of Game 1, someone set up a Youppi/Spartacat cage match. Please.

6. As this series appears to be a confrontation between two possible Jack Adams nominees, I think it's high time someone set up Paul MacLean's look-alike with Michel Therrien's look-alike. They're practically made for each other!

5. Remember that game in Pittsburgh that closed the series in your favour and shut down the Igloo? Remember that moment, Travis Moen? Now would be the best time in a rather half asleep season of yours for you to channel the Travis Moen of that night and dipsy doodle around Sergei Gonchar like nobody's business. Otherwise, someone might dipsy doodle around Markov. Hopefully you do it first.

4. The Senators motto was "Tied at 1, taking it to OT, win in a shootout". Thankfully there are no shootouts in the playoffs. But Habs would do themselves a grand favour in NOT letting Silfverberg zoom off on a breakaway to unleash his top-shelf snipe. Because that's all he does.

3. If Chris Neil tries to start shit, just let Brendan Gallagher laugh in his face. Else, punch him in the gums. Or push his helmet over his eyes.

2. Whatever you do, make sure it pisses off Denis Potvin so much, he goes on an epic condescending rant about some injustice or some such. Hopefully it includes a goal by PK Subban after an epic stumble by Kyle Turris or Guimauve (to equally annoy RDS).

1. The plan for Craig Anderson is simple: Replace efficient Clorox ice cleaner brigade with ice girls.

Seems all these preview shows only believe there's one player playing for the Habs, and he's not allowed past the red line. Nuts to you, rest of the team. Guess you can go home early. Yet in the end, it's like they're begrudgingly putting you to win the series...with a few thousand buts attached to it. Shove it in their faces, boys.

Go Habs Go!

Habs 4, Leafs 1: THE BEARDS ARE COMING

Sweet HNIC tears. Your anguish sustains me. Especially after that stomach turning pre-game stuff.

Lars Eller, who LOVES playing against this team proclaimed after the game, "We do not fear anyone." CBC seems to think so! Apparently they've never watched them play the Big Bad Bruins. And now with Eller centering the Gallys, Habs have struck gold.

Jarred Tinordi, your hired. Please stay.

Memo to Carlyle: you're a fucking fuckwit with a shitbag full of goons and sending out Colton Orr with 13 seconds left proves you're a fucktard. And nice of your Captain to crosscheck White from behind while he was busy giving Orr the hairy eyeball after the buzzer. COWARDS. Ditto for your other goon Frazer McLaren, who third manned on Tinordi after taking a boarding call which got him tossed from the game. No one cares for your stupidity. Go to the NAHL if you want to play that shit.

Lars Eller with two assists had more points in the second period than the Leafs had shots on goal.

See you in the playoffs, fuckers.

(Maybe).

(Unless the Bruins put Tuukka Rask's milk crates in nets and throw their

game tomorrow just to have the fun in beating your ass in four).

(Which is entirely possible).

Habs 4, Jets 2: Crash, burn, etc

Oh Winnipeg Threshers. So close, yet so far.

Thanks to Bubbles being a shit defenceman you got two goals, and some hope, despite Price playing out of his mind. And then the Rangers and Senators won. You were eliminated by the time the 2nd period ended.

I will miss you, especially when you get tossed from the WORST division in the League to one of the best. But right now, too bad so sad. You were first in your shit division and failed to hang on to it. Claude Noel will now be curt with more reporters and probably get replaced this summer. (Maybe). Habs needed this, secured home ice, and can now played the Bulldogs on Saturday to laugh in HNIC's face. (Maybe). (Well, Markov better NOT play).

Tinordi stays. If we can just find a replacement for Frankie Bubbles......

By the way, thanks to that twat Rihanna, looks like the playoffs start Tuesday.

Habs 2, Devils 3: Annoying but slightly less so

Start like shit, end like the team we sort of remembered once upon a time this season. Except Markov. He played more like Vokram, Markov's evil twin.

You wanna know what the Devils playing hockey looks like? The Devils are this dog.

I'm done. On to Winnipeg and hopefully more goals by Lars Eller. That's right. Fuck you Winnipeg! YOU'RE GOING DOWN.

Habs 1, Caps 5: Habs lost

...so here's a picture of shaved llamas.

I put myself into this perspective. Last season on Fan Appreciation Night, they won 4-1 but finished 15th. They were cheered. Tonight on Fan Appreciation Night they lose, and get booed, but are currently still sitting in 2nd.

Of course they still look like shit, but here's the thing: Is this coach going to fix anything? Example, the powerplay was powerless so he threw the kids out, finally, like we were all screaming for. They actually get a good chance, they crash the net, so what happens? They last a whole 15 seconds on that powerplay and get swapped for the other guys, who kill the momentum back to library mode. And how about the penalty kill, that was SHIT all year with the stupid diamond formation that allows the cross ice pass to the guy backdoor for the easy tap-in. Has anyone fixed this? Is your ego so big that you think you're better than what has actually worked so you stay with this stupid formation? In the shit season the Habs had last year, the one thing they were proud of was the penalty kill. They used the box formation. It was moving. Habs scored shorthanded. This year? Hardly any shorthanded chances, a whole lot of standing, a whole lot of chasing, a whole lot of cross ice passes to the backdoor man.

So Therrien, if it is as you say that you are convinced they'll be ready for the playoffs...are you sure? Keeping all the same errors, probably hoping they'll "work out" in the end, much like keeping Patches with DD til now (mazel tov) has turned him into a perimeter player that doesn't take a page out of Erik Cole's driving to the net and instead gets caught floating about with his stick around his waist (amazing he even managed that goal tonight on the one rare moment his stick was on the ice)...are you really sure you have the time to prepare them?

Good thing they're going out on the road. This season needs to end now so the team can go back to caring 'cause as it is they look like they're just taking a break til the playoffs.

Habs 3, Bolts 2: Hey ugly

It really didn't have to be that difficult. Honestly. But why Galchenyuk gets a pitiful 8 minutes of ice time despite being on fucking fire I have no idea. And wouldn't you know it? Remove Patches from Desharnais and put him with Pleky and he still produces! SHOCKING.

Except for that powerplay. Holy face of palming, coaching staff. The Lightning were literally giving you this game, and you throw out the same unproducing lines you broke up? Does that make any sense? It was a miracle Gionta managed to get that goal with 40-something seconds left in the 3rd. On the 6th powerplay attempt.

Never mind how many breakaways they allowed Stamkos have while on the powerplay.

And the D-zone is still a rather wonky. Whenever Frankie Bou--who I will forever call Bubbles from now on--was just atrocious. And yet, he was out there every time I looked. Price was throwing up the flippers and doing everything possible to keep the puck out and there's Bubbles getting outworked by Pouliot of all people, made worse by watching Markov not cover Lecavalier for his goal. Yep. Markov was equally brutal. You can even fancy it up to brütal.

Other guys who needed this:
- Gionta with the two goals, including the winner.
- Weber smells playoffs. He always plays good in those.
- Price de Nice.
- Price's goalposts responded well to the beating he gave them in yesterday's game.
- Gallager/Eller/Galchenyuk were doing their job but now got to play together. Keep them like this please? Better yet, give them more ice time and powerplay time?

The empty net is still a mystery. What a fucker.

Habs 4, Pens 6: Inject piss and vinegar. Or don't.

That score is rather flattering considering they were down 3-0 in the first by the time I got back from walking the dog. And the 4th goal came off Markov's backhand with 10 seconds left.

And so much for giving Price the night off...

MT thought pulling Budaj after the 1st would spark something. Well it kind of worked, but then they continued to take stupid penalties and allow odd man rushes. Or stand around. They were big on standing around in the first. You know what might spark something? Calling a time out!

I think the only positives were Eller/Galchy being the better forwards and in serious need of more ice time. Again. (Lovely Galchy goal made my hockey night. That and Price beating up his goalpost). Ooooo they got a whole 56 seconds of powerplay time. And hey Gabby got a goal. His first in the NHL.

Guess what? You get to do this all over again against the Lightning at home tomorrow night. Funsies!

Habs 3, Flyers 7: Everybody poops

No recap 'cause this was even shittier than the last game. But the team better have a long closed doors meeting NOW because this shit can't go on.

Our hearts are with Boston after what happened at the marathon today. Shame on those who did this. Absolutely evil.

Habs 1, Leafs 5: Meh

Everyone head for the bridge!

Joke.

Habs got their X. Leafs still don't have theirs.

By the way, Kirk Muller is a Hab for life. Bruins lost to the Whalercanes. Which means Habs can lose all evening. They still remain in 2nd.

According to Bouillon, Price apologized to the team after the 1st period but he wasn't the only one to blame. Whole team just looked like they were happy polishing that X next to their position on the standings. And after the last 6-0 loss to the Leafs, Habs went on an absolute tear. Frankly I'm glad this happened 'cause they've been playing SHIT defensively lately (even before Emelin got hurt) and the forwards have been LAZY helping (especially DD/Patches) so maybe this is the wake up they need. And maybe, just maybe, one day Therrien will learn to gameplan the Leafs properly. Remember, he was fired after another seriously horrendous set of loses to the them with the Pens. Bad memories?

I can still point and laugh at the Leafs though 'cause LOL Davis Drewiske scored the only Habs' goal. And Leaf fans can't fucking olé for shit. POSERS.

Where's your parade route?

Habs 5, Listless Sabres 1: X marks

Things are looking up.

My day started with the best kind of foreshadowing when Toaster stepped into his own shit. I went to work and discovered they shut down our studio because they have zero idea what the hell they're doing. (Not worried yet, as I have a meeting tomorrow for possible new employment). Then my brother, while dealing with a shit head tailgater and a shit head who wouldn't let him merge over, accidentally bumped a BMW that suddenly stopped. Nothing major, but still annoying. Oh how could this day turn around?

Well, the Islanders beating the Bruins and the Habs beating the Sabres would definitely help. Especially after that deliciously GIANT burger I ate at the Dublin that filled me with beefy rage.

The last thing you want to say in a Buffalo arena is "go for the jugular"...
- But outshooting them 42-15 is indeed going for the throat.
- Plenty of powerplay practice to boot! Sabres got so complacent they couldn't give a shit anymore. Even had Gerbe abuse an official.
- When Ryan Miller gets scored on you can hear his sighs.
- My brother on the booing: Yessss your anguish sustains me.
- First Niagara Center was invaded by a mass of Habs fans. Business as usual.
- Rene Bourque is definitely back. When you see his line doing a 3 man attack, check your pants. Or your net.
- Galchenyuk is blazing.
- The only worry I had in this game was when some moron (Ott, Kaleta) would attempt to injure one of our guys. Prust punched Kaleta down. Bouillon took care of Ott.
- And THAT'S the Frankie Bou I know. Where was that guy?
- It's easy to forget that Gallagher is camping around your net.
- PK puts two more notches on his Norris tally.
- The first shorthanded goal they allow this year and it has to be to the Sabres...
- Only one player I'd rescue from Buffalo, and that's Luke Adam. He just looks confused to be there right now.
- Desharnais and Gallagher screening Enroth. They're all pretty much the same height.
- Thinking Steve Ott wondered if Halpern tasted of fried chicken and doughnuts. That or what 900 games tastes like.
- Seriously. Just burn that visor. We have no clue where that tongue's been...
- Happy smiling coaches on the bench!

Habs get an X and retake their top spot at #2.

Tastes...like victory.

YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Habs 2, Caps 3: A tale of two centers

Therrien, my friend, can we talk?

You have these two guys on your team that play center. One wears the number 51. The other wears the number 81. Now I know with the speed of the game today that a 5 and an 8 could look similar...but the guy in 81 is kind of big and blond and his skin probably glows in the dark. Oh and he was also centering your best line tonight. Did I mention he also had two goals tonight?

Considering there was only 1 penalty called for each team tonight (as in Chris Lee didn't do SHIT tonight, good or bad) we can't really bring up the powerplay time for these two. (Note, Eller was at 0, Desharnais took half the powerplay). But Robert Rice over at All Habs did the research for us all. Eller's up to 5 points with just under 22 minutes on the powerplay this season. Meanwhile, Desharnais also has 5 point...but with 106 minutes of powerplay time. Does this math add up to every one of us BUT the coaching staff?

And I didn't even get to the stagnant predictable play of Desharnais' line...

But when the team loses, it's really not cool to just shrug and say "well they're still in first". I want them to be GOOD. I want them to show me they want to be good. I don't want to see the forwards having a shit game take the ice while the guy with two goals is sitting on the bench. Especially when you're looking for the game tying goal.

By the way, L'antichambre has woken up. They've finally discovered that Eller and Galchenyuk are the Habs first line centers, and that little David "sucked since signing that premature 4 year deal" Desharnais might need to be traded.

At the very least...someone save Gallagher from that line!

Other than the usual vomit inducing 2nd period and complete utter SHIT HOLE defence play (I forgot to mention it should have been at least 3-0 Caps in the first 5 minutes but thank you Price for the glimmer of hope), Gionta's inner thigh hasn't scored a goal in a while. What a bum.

Habs 2, Bruins 1: Got the slow moves like Jagr

You know you're in Montreal when, you're eating at the local Indian restaurant, enjoying some mild (spicy) Indian food when the waiters interrupt the Bollywood on the TVs for the hockey game.

My dad orders way too much food.
- He also HATES spicy food, yet...didn't order mild.
- But this time my brother finally paid for me!
- BOORUINS!
- What's that they say about if you're going to run around, you better be ready to stand up for yourself instead of running away like a twat hoping your big buddy will take care of it?
- Meanwhile, Krejci: asshole.
- Galchenyuk stuggling you say? Do go on.
- Emelin's fall bent his knee the wrong way, otherwise that hit on Lucic wouldn't have been so bad. Get well soon, Cage Face
- Bruins offense? Jagr's foot must have fallen asleep.
- Please, extra cross check to the head all night, Lucic. Clod needs to yell at the refs more.
- So is Ryder haunting you yet?
- The tipping the puck by smacking it down to the ice and bouncing it technique. I'd take Ryder back JUST for that.
- PK with 2 more assists. NHL still not recognizes him for Norris.
- Price spins in his crease, still gets square.
- DD is gonna kill me with the turnovers...
- Eller/Galchy/Prust BFFs for life.
- Eller with the quote of the year: "I must be really strong to take Chara down. Are we gonna say the E-word?" I love you.
- Unfortunately that was a penalty, for holding, as he did grab the jersey. But hey, 6-on-4 and no shots so it's cool. Bruins blamed the ice afterwards. Apparently it's slippery. Who knew?
- Tim Peel did not fuck up this game for once.

NHL have graced us with "Top of the Heap" headline. Heap of what? Shit?

Ryder haunting~

Habs 4, Jets 1: Newfoundland!

Great glorious Newfoundland! Thank you for Michael Ryder. Sure he'd be the last person I'd put in a shootout, despite being a sniper. And if you're counting on him to play some defence you'll be very disappointed. And no one's asking him to skate like the wind. But he's done everything else right eh?

He's so awesome he even threw a first star puck down the corridor into a bucket.

Bounce back
- We knew Budaj was taking today's game 'cause his family is in town. Some people missed that memo.
- Apparently his mom didn't want to watch live in the Bell Centre. I can understand how nervous she might be watching him play.
- Is it me or are the Habs sucking on purpose in their first game of a back-to-back just to play well in the 2nd game.
- Point all you want to the open man, Drewiske. No one is listening.
- Remember when Habs fired Perry Pearn, and all we heard was how his teams never missed the playoffs and his powerplay/penalty kill plans are fantastic?
- Galchenyuk did his best Malkin. All he didn't do was score but oh my god that sweet little move was gorgeous.
- Lars Eller will really miss the Jets once they move to the West. And I still qualify that goal his, not Gionta's inner thigh.
- Lars Eller was extra beastly on the penalty kill.
- PK broke a piece off the scoreboard. Now that's impressive!
- Don't look now but Blake Wheeler just went offside again.
- Someone give Dustin Byfuglien a poke. I'm not sure if he's awake or not.
- Go ahead, Jets. Trade Burmistrov. Enjoy future years of regret.
- Galchenyuk scored a goal after taking 3 laps around the Jets' zone.
- Evander Kane needs a cup of camomile. You're a hockey player. If a defensive shove is all you need to flip out, you might want to change professions.
- And good on you ripping Emelin's helmet off to fling it at him, missing, while you fight a non-fighter with your visor firmly on your face. Enjoy your 10 minute misconduct.
- And I won't hold my breath on a suspension. Maybe a fine. Maybe nothing.
- PK's point sheet reads 10-20-30. So tidy!

The Southeast is so weak that with this loss (their 5th in a row!), the terrible Washington Capitals are currently in 3rd. We can officially call them the Winnipeg Threshers.

Habs 3, Flyers 5: Outeverything

Is there really that much to talk about?

Sure why not. Everyone not named Carey Price, stay here while I slap you. We have some rules when facing the Flyers...

Rule 1.
NEVER. EVER. EVER. ENGAGE WILLFULLY IN A FIGHT. Especially you, Moen. You could barely skate to reach a puck, you think you can take Wayne Simmonds? LOLS! For one I can't wait to hear the endless "Flyers took the momentum after those two fights" instead of "Habs stopped skating and deflected pucks into their own net giving the other team life".

Rule 2.
It's Bryzgalov. SHOOT THE FUCKING PUCK. Exhibit A: Desharnais' shot he ducked out on. Once that went in, Habs decided--on the rare occurrence they managed to get over the blue line--to do the fancy cute drop passes instead of stepping on the throats of a down and out team that just lost their momentum after that putrid goal.

Rule 3.
Well you were pretty good on the penalty kill but holy shit fuckballs STOP IT.

Rule 4.
When the Flyers outwork you for what should be an icing (Bouillon) don't back up, don't stand around, pressure the puck, HIT SOMEONE, and never ever EVER stand in front of your goalie facing the wrong way with your ass in the air. Hell if you're not blocking the shot, get the fuck off the ice. And yes, I'm still fucking pissed Bergevin rushed to sign Bouillon up for next season, who's been useless and outplayed by every random rookie and now newcomer Davis Drewiske. He'd be the next Press Box Man if he weren't Therrien's boy...

We leave this game in shame. Yes, shaaaaaaame. I can take loses. I cannot stand games like this where they just stand around and don't even help Price out much. In fact they hindered him because 3 goals went bouncing off skates and one went off the backboards to the backdoor guy no one picked up while he was screened and couldn't get over fast enough. The only reason this wasn't a blow out like that Pens-Rangers game is because we have him instead of Fleury... I'm told Switzerland's Women's team had more shots in the last two periods of their game against Canada, and they lost 13-0! One whole shot in the 3rd. When you throw 4 shots in the 2nd and TWO are goals, you think that would inspire you to fire on all cylinders? And you gave up the empty netter. And to cap off this shit, we lost Pleky to a day-to-day groin injury. And then Patches went down late in the 3rd to an ankle injury.


Just hope that sweater Bryzgalov knitted in the 3rd period is actually nice.

Habs 4, Whalercanes 1: Let's break some bread

Dig in, my friends.


Whalercanes tried real hard to bore the game in their favour
- Not bloody likely.
- Happy 300th for Price!
- PK gets the Molson Cup and NHL's 2nd star of the month. One step towards the Norris ya?
- First goal was thanks to Emelin knocking Price into his net... Yea they didn't score first for a change.
- But that's ok. Markov got one on their rare powerplay opportunity soon after.
- Markov and PK are 1 and 2 in powerplay points in the League!
- Bouwmeester! Regehr! Handzus! Zolnierczyk! Trade deadline shows everywhere just flipped their collective tables. Ready for a Wednesday of conditional pick swaps?
- Really. Flyers trading Zolnierczyk for Jay Rosehill... I'm thinking they did it just to troll everyone into writing Zolnierczyk, because Jay Rosehill?
- Habs automatically win the Sabres-Kings Regehr trade by not trading for Regehr.
- Price haters still back in their caves, chewing their fingers.
- Been some time since Gorges swooped in and blocked shots that way too.
- Gord Dwyer releated to Patrick Dwyer? (Actually, it was the other douche Marc Joannette that deserved some chin music, hockey style)..
- Seriously, find me where it says "holding the legs of a player trying to get back up and then tackling him back down to the ice" is allowed? Even my dog vomited over your putridity.
- In your face because the Whalercanes went 0-for-all-your-attempts-at-giving-them-a-chance.
- About time Patches went to the net to bang one in. You make your own luck.
- Though the monkey seems to have jumped now from Patches to Desharnais. How you wiff on a perfect wide open toe drag................?
- If anyone deserved a goal, it was Jeff Halpern. Waivers anyone?
- First point for Booleeoo on the assist. (Is it that hard to pronounce Beaulieu? Boh-le-yuh. Repeat it). He's actually playing better than I thought he would. And hasn't given up a shortie yet.
- Sucks for Armstrong but...yea, might want to look where you're going guys...
- The crowd wanted Price to go for the empty net. Some fucking Whalercane got in the way. Guess they couldn't handle the thought of TWO goalies scoring on them in one year (even though Brodeur's was really them putting it in their own net).
- But that's ok. After the 80th try, Patches finally put it in.

AND HALPERN DESERVES THAT FIRST STAR! I don't give a shit what anyone says. Fan voting just proves the fans care more about this team's players and appreciates the hard workers more than the mediots. And Bobby Dollas.

Habs 3, Rangers 0: Bring out the brooms

Habs sweep the season series with the Rangers each by scoring 3 goals and only giving up 1. But what makes this win more sweet? The Bruins lost to the Flyers earlier in the day, widening that gap between them and the Habs by a bit.

Meanwhile this is the 2nd time in a row the Rangers fell 3-0. Same results in Ottawa just this past Thursday. Torts, no goals for you!

You know it's bad when...
- Sean Avery is advocating your imminent firing and calling you a clown. Hey he'll do you a solid and create a nice ad campaign over it.
- All the morons who frothed out loud that Budaj should start this game despite Price having a now running quadruple shutout streak on the Rangers at the Bell Centre: BACK IN YOUR CAVES.
- And despite the score, and the fact the Rangers suck, it's not like they didn't have grade A chances. Habs enjoy leaving the slot wide open for milk and cookies. May as well paint the ice with a "Come in we're OPEN" sign.
- Ryder opening the scoring, marking him down for the game winning goal. Last Ranger's game Cole had the game winner. Feels like the Universe is happy now.
- My brother: Ryder skating is what Hal Gill would be if he were a forward.
- Nathan Beaulieu paired with Frankie Bouillon gives you the Honey Boo Boo pair?
- First shift, gets a nice shot on goal too. He looks like Mike Green but less faily.
- There is truth to that notion that a player looks better and does better in the NHL than in the AHL. For one, players know what their doing and aren't usually paired with a spot-goon. There's more control and less garbage in the NHL too. (Which is also why Leblanc did better in the NHL with Eller/AK46 than what's going on in Hamilton on a line with a goon and a career ECHLer).
- Though the penalty kill ended perfect, one does not want to see Marian Gaborik cut in on a partial breakaway...
- But that's ok. Pleky and PK blew down the ice on a two-on-one for the 2nd goal. You will know this, and you will fear it!
- PK adds 3 more assists to his tally. Was a man possessed on the powerplay when Derpface Nash ran Price.
- My brother: Rangers are losing. Watch Nash attempt to injure someone because superstars don't get suspended. (He ran Price twice).
- The Tsawwassen Terror's 11th goal of the year was just so perfect. Never quit, aim high kids. And I'm talking top shelf.
- My brother: They're just backing up on that Ranger crossing over the blue line! Oh, it's just Richards. Never mind.
- Prust comes back from separating his shoulder, blocks a shot in the 3rd to help preserve the shutout. Walks it off.
- Emelin checked RDS off the air.
- PK did that Joel thingy on his 2nd star skate.

So Torts? Were you entertained enough?

Habs 6, Bruins 5 (SO): STONES

HUGE FUCKING STONES.

After shitting the bed in the 2nd period and blowing the patented 2-goal lead because defense decided it was all cool to just not move/play/exist, Therrien dusted off his paint peeler, replaced Price with Budaj to kick the rest of the boys' asses and BOOM. It was like a replay of that 5-0 come back game against the Rangers. It even had an ALMOST hat trick by Ryder.

Oh and Chara bounced the puck into his own net off a Markov shot with 8 seconds left. No cartwheels required.

Price could have legally sued the team for abandonment though.
- Price still ended the night with a better save percentage than Rask.
- PK getting ignored for Norris nods because people obviously pay too much attention to the usual trio of fancy names. C'mon, Karlsson won it without even playing defence!
- By the way, PK ended +3 while Markov ended -3. And played 30 minutes.
- Back to backs are brutal. Oh that's right. My tired team took your rested team to a shootout. Next excuse.

Spin that wheel!

- Maybe next time the media will hype this as a bloodbath statement game where the Bruins will send a message to everyone. Oh wait.
- Just like that part where apparently Galchenyuk was supposed to be in the pressbox for this game for protection or some such rot, he helped set up PK's goal through absolute will and a determination unmatched by MOST of his teammates.
- I had no clue Pacioretty was playing though. Seriously, if Eller gets the short end of the stick for not being "intense" enough, someone needs to kick Patch in the ass.
- Yup, that was David "I got 1-punch KO'd by Benoit Pouliot" Krejci trying to pick a fight with Gionta. And Nathan "One punch to my head will probably mean 6 months in a dark room" Horton trying to pick a fight with Subban, who just laughed in his face.
- We blow leads. They blow leads. All that matters to me is the Habs proved they can match the Pens and the Bruins, and the media still won't give them credit. Or will make up some excuse. Or pull up some fact.
- The "Iron Curtain" was more the "Chiffon Curtain". Horrible game by Emelin and Markov.
- Bruins had as many shots in the 2nd as some teams put up all game...
- My god that penalty kill in the 2nd was really just Price VS the Bruins. You ain't helping anything standing around with your stick around your waist guys. Halpern may as well have just lied down on the ground too.
- Similarly, leaving a Bruin all alone in front to not only have one attempt but TWO? And all those odd-man rushes...
- I can totally live with Ryder if all he does is score on Boston.
- Oh to watch Chara throw a fit like an 8-year-old at the local Walmart. You speared Armstrong in the balls. And THAT didn't even get called.
- Bruins fans bitching about the DOG penalty, may I present you Roman Hamrlik who did that at least once a month. In the exact same manner (tipping the puck out). It's a penalty. Deal with it with your supposed #1 penalty kill in the league.
- Budaj was a rock in the shootout. He must have sprayed himself with Enroth's Old Spice Hawkridge.
- The guy with the biggest stones on this team is the smallest kid on the ice. Gallagher for life!

No quit. No surrender. Well, after they get yelled at or whatever. Therrien said he'd keep the game on DVD, but would skip the 2nd. By the way Bruins, you just got trolled by Pittsburgh over Iginla.

RASK RAGE!

(Thanks @TPBAdam for the gif)

Habs 0, Pens 1: 5 millimeters

See that box?

In there holds all the offense from the Habs.

The lines have gone dry and the stubborn coach will probably wait another 10 games before he moves Gallagher onto Eller's line with Galchenyuk, and remove the Armstrong fifth wheel from there down to the 4th line. And  yes, time to split up Pacioretty and Desharnais.

Meanwhile Price did all he could and Jeff Halpern really was a great waiver pick up. One bad linechange and Crosby got 5 millimeters that counted while Ryder rang a symphony of posts. And no, Fleury/Vokoun stole nothing tonight. The bombardment of weaksauce shots were hardly dangerous. The broadside of the barn was more than safe.

By the way, Gionta didn't even touch Fleury. He didn't even touch Kennedy for that matter. So shut your fucking mouth and go blame your own player Cooke, you fucking moron.

However, I throw caution to the Penguins. You're peaking early. No guarantee you'll continue winning like this in the playoffs. I'd rather the Habs take their slump now then in May.

Newsflash: Guy Boucher Fired!

You can't fire me! I'm a Bond Villain!

News broke while I was either doodling in my sketchbook late last night or zonked out because the doodling kicked my insomnia to the curb, but either way, after basically leaving the first period down 4-0 to the Bingo Sens Starring Daniel Alfredsson I just knew Guy Boucher was going to be fired.

Ok, truth be told we all though it was after that Toronto game. Or maybe that other game the week before that one. Y'know, the one. No the other one. Maybe it's that one? Nope I was pretty sure it was THAT one THERE.

But you get the point right.

Derp. Derp Derp.

(Too be fair, that was a shit sequence by the refs. A dive, no call on icing, and a follow through high stick)

Then Bob Mckenzie dropped this Tweet. "Key vet TB players were shutting down/tuning out. Yzerman much rather would've liked to assess at season's end, but problem was snowballing."

Yes, snowballing. More like Sisyphus attempting to roll a boulder up a hill only to watch it roll all the way back down. Then repeating the attempt to roll back up with the same end results. Those veterans sure like to tune out their coaches in Tampa eh? But I wonder why? I mean they have Stamkos! And...Stamkos.

Let's play some Tampa Bay Lightning trivia to understand why Guy Boucher was inevitably hoisted upon the team's petard!

With the retirement of the last "great" old goalie they managed to bank a season on, the Lightning were in search of a younger starter. Who did they pick?
a) Mike Smith.
b) Jonathan Bernier.
c) Anders Lindbäck.
d) A draft pick stuck in Russia for probably another year.
If you answered "c", you get the joy of listening to Pierre McGuire tell you the story of how Lindback and Jacob Markström were just too big to fit in their one Swedish town. Again.

Sami Salo is:
a) One shot away from another 4-6 weeks/months on the injured reserve.
b) Not a Canuck?
c) Old.
d) All of the above.
If you answered "d", you get a giant cardboard cutout of Victor Hedman's face.

What part did Vincent Lecavalier injure this month?

a) Head.

b) Shoulder.

c) Wrist.

d) Broken foot.

If you picked "broken foot", you get a triple low five!

What is "Mattias Ohlund"?
a) Injured knee.
b) Having knee surgeries.
c) Out indefinitely.

d) All of the above.

Indeed "d" is the winner! You get his locker room nameplate, because I'm petty sure he's not going to need it.

Who are the Lightning currently losing to?

a) Winnipeg Jets.

b) Washington Capitals.

c) Binghamton Senators.

d) Florida Gulf Coast.

Indeed it's their divisional rivals, the Winnipeg Jets. You win the tantrum Pierre McGuire threw when the Habs fired Jacques Martin the morning of a game (to not even a divisional rival), which I'm sure he'll repeat for his friend Steve Y. Right? Right.

Y'all gonna plotz when they hire Guy Carbonneau. Because the Bond Villain lookalike coach didn't work, so let's try the Bond lookalike!

DUN DUN DUN!

BREAKING NEWS! 

The Lightning have hired their AHL coach, Jon Cooper. So basically they replaced Guy Boucher with...slightly more flexible Guy Boucher. Because if the first hot rising star coach didn't work, try the second.

Habs 1, Buffaslugs 2: Meh

Fucking hell, Habs.

Game in a nutsell: Habs shoot the puck, it bobbles off Miller to the slot behind another Hab standing with a wide open empty. Rinse, repeate. Even Pierre Houde was getting bored repeating himself.

Or they were holding on to the puck way too long, giving the Sabres ample time to set up and block.

CBC thinks if the Sabres continue their run, they'll make the playoffs. Sure. If everyone ahead of them completely loses all their games... Same thing as last year. There's a reason why I have a tag that reads how the Sabres are victoriously happy with another 11th spot finish.

I guess the only respectable things they did tonight was not get shutout, not let fucktard Steve Ott score, and not give up the empty net.

Meanwhile...
JEFF HALPERN WAS PICKED UP ON WAIVERS. Free player! Just in time for Passover. If he can help out on key faceoffs and the penalty kill, DAYENU!

Habs 5, Islanders 2: The pattern

This is what happens when you skate into Brad Boyes' ass.

This team's formula is probably first period (pile it on) -  second period (take a break) + third period (world beaters) = success! That or they're just bored and want to challenge themselves by fucking themselves over. I don't care where they are in the standings. If they can blow this game and only manage 2 powerplay goals on Poulin they deserve an F.

But hey, let's ignore all the bad stuff and praise that third period right?

Hey Islanders?
- Move already.
- So sick of radio hosts holding up Price's stats in Long Island. Did it ever occur to you just how SHIT the team plays there as a whole? He was great tonight and they could have easily lost the game anyway. Mostly because it's like there's no defence when they come here...
- Islanders repeatedly came screaming down the ice 3 guys wide and the Habs did nothing to counter it.
- I was waiting for them to pull out the Flying V.
- But hey, at least the penalty kill was spot on tonight.
- Or at least Price was on that second period kill...
- I will not survive an extra year of Frankie Bou backing up instead of closing the gap between himself and say John Tavares.
- Every time Matt Carkner takes a blatant penalty he turns around and bitches to the ref about it.
- PK Subban: Two goals bitches~! Now up to 9 with 22 points in 24 games. Maybe you should work on THAT contract instead of Frankie Bou...
- Yes Drew Doughty finally scored a goal.
- Hey Desharnais, it's amazing what happens once you extract your head from your arse eh?
- Gionta has somehow managed to quietly collect 10 goals on the year.
- If I could, I'd have a team of Ellers and Gallaghers.
- Good job putting the puck in your own net, Islanders. Gally thanks you.
- With 5 minutes left, the Islanders started diving up and down the ice. Of course the dive they called was a dumb one.
- Thumbs up to taking a penalty with 3 minutes left.

In the end, I don't know whether to applaud or line you all up and slap you.

Habs 2, Sabres 3 (OT): I am in NO mood to take this right now

We're having a shit-ton of snow right now, which is WONDERFUL. I'm serious, I'm happy. I love snow. What I hate though? I have a dog in one arm ('cause the German Shepherd was in the parking lot and Toaster flips out when he sees her) and I'm getting my bags out of the car with my other, and then I close my door and POOF my car keys disappeared. (I had already locked the doors). I pushed the snow out of the way all over, I turned my car inside out, I dumped all my bags contents on the floor, I checked everywhere: Nothing. Thankfully living near my parents who have a spare key has it's perks, but holy shit my day just went from a pretty meh of a good-ish day to FUCK YOU UNIVERSE DIE EVERYONE. And Toaster wouldn't shut up until he finally realized how pissed off I was and I didn't need him barking in my face to throw his fucking ball.

And of course the Habs are playing like they're still guzzling all the Guinness left over from the St. Patrick's Day festivities and losing to the Sabres 2-0 and looking like they couldn't give two shits of a damn.

With the loss of my keys I'm in no mood to recap this shit fully. So, Habs missed FORTY SEVEN times. Steve Ott is fuckhead and someone should have punched him on his game winner in OT when he fell on Price right after. Someone should have punched Markov and told him HE DIDN'T NEED TO PLAY THE WHOLE PK IN OT, especially with the effort of a wet noodle. Gallagher is the real MVP. Lars Eller should be cloned so he could play all game. Colby Armstrong has enough games left to get 20 goals. Accountability apparently doesn't apply to Desharnais and I'm already pissed off with that contract if he's going to be lazy defensively and spread that laziness to Pacioretty. And what a bullshit phantom penalty call on PK, especially after not calling blatant shit like when Eller dragged someone down the length of the ice like he's a fucking sled.

Good thing I have chocolate, or this news that Bouillon's agent has spoken to Bergevin about extending his contract an extra year that just showed up on my timeline would have made me punch walls...

Missed 47 times.

Jhonas Enroth must have sprayed himself with Old Spice Hawkridge.

Habs just lucky the Jets beat the Bruins in regulation. Habs still first in the Northeast. Yay lose point.

PS. I now found the keys buried in the ice in the parking lot. But then Bergevin extended Cube's contract. WHY? Couldn't wait til fucking Summer and see if maybe someone else out there was available? Unless you trade him for Hal Gill to fix the shit penalty kill...

Habs 2, Devils 1: The answer

And 42 is Tinordi.

Welcome to the NHL, Jarred Tin Man Tinordi.

The delicious irony of our highly touted defensive defenceman getting on the score sheet with a heads up assist on the game winning goal by intercepting a clear and getting the puck on net where Plekanec tipped it in.

Ended the night with the 1 assist, a +2, and a few seconds shy of 15 minutes. Also stood up for the Captain when Clarkson decided to slash him after the whistle. His gigantic father must be proud!

Exit New Jersey ASAP
- Felt like the last 5 minutes took an hour.
- I don't put much stock in the Devils playing in Philly last night to a shootout. It's practically next door.
- Only took Chris Lee the 2nd period to be Chris Lee. Still, not as bad as Tim Peel.
- CBC's Hot Air Stove claims these reality show things are the reason why a bunch of teams are doing badly (New York, Philly, Washington, Edmonton). Guess it's not bothering the Habs...considering they always have cameras in their faces.
- HOLY FUCKING SHIT ARMSTRONG SCORED A GOAL.
- Then proceeded to freak out with the puck the rest of the game.
- And parked in front of Hedberg? Mike Blunden, who's flight was cancelled out of Newfoundland yesterday and only got in close to lunch time this morning.
- Yo Habs. The diamond formation you're using on the penalty kill isn't working. And I'm waiting for you to notice this....
- And waiting...
- Guess I shouldn't hold my breath on that considering it took a fucking injury to Diaz to get PK the icetime he very much deserves...
- Who, by the way, was amazing tonight.
- That "Hey YOU SUCK" chant is bush league, Devils fans.
- Also I thought everyone agreed to ban that pedo's song from arenas.
- Lars Eller was also amazing. I don't know but every time someone says "I want to see more from him" HOW MUCH FUCKING MORE?
- Lost in all this, yea he hasn't gotten a point in a while but Galchenyuk's defensive abilities are crazy for a 19 year old who missed all of last year.
- He even dumped people out of Price's crease.
- So every time Pleky scores, half the fan base salivates at the thought of trading him? Fuck you. Pleky for life!
- Mark Tinordi is a giant giant man. I feel bad for the person sitting behind him.
- Still convinced Price can't steal a game? That was 18 saves in the 3rd period alone. You're welcome.
- By the way Habs are 2-0-0 on the Devils this year.

So, Tinordi eh... Can we keep him?

Markov interview bomb for the win.

Habs 4, Sens 3 (SO): Slumber party

Thanks for coming, Sens. Next time bring milk and cookies, and your own pillow.

They're the New Devils. Snoozerrific, and taking the game to OT/SO. (Most likely a shootout, because they'll just bank on Silvferberg to score every time and pray their goalie stops all).

And their boring plan almost worked too.
 - It's funny how when Price makes all these big key stops, no one remembers those. Nor the pylons in front of him.
- And when Markov opted to pass on an empty net instead of most likely scorring, then offered Wiercioch tea as he just gave up the zone... I don't care if Wiercioch is an AHLer. He's got a heavy shot. He's a hockey player. WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING BACKING UP ON HIM.
- But seriously. The "what have you done for me lately" shouldn't go by the fucking second.
- The guys have to pressure the puck carrier more and not allow a fucking passing clinic go on in their own zone if they want to continue being the best.
- Next fat coach who bitches about "diving" when his fucking player has his stick so far down a Habs pants that it's fucking DIRTY, I say throw a puck at him.
- And what the hell is wrong with you? Your fucking player crosschecks then hooks DD on the fucking NECK. Why don't you tell your players to stop it or bench them you whiny walrus?
- Also Markov's face is not a puck. Stop high sticking him.
- Eller: Harlem Globetrotter.
- You got Larsed.
- Euro Staal.
- Don't call him Larry.
- Hey, PK! You're underpaid.
- And who told you the Habs will be paying him later if they didn't pay him earlier? This girl. Better start this summer, Bergevin.
- Habs scored 17 power plays goals this year. PK was involved in 16 of them.
- By the way, Drew Doughty has 0 goals.
- Still laughing at how Gallagher snuck in and stole Pacioretty's goal. That's revenge for the rookie dinner bill.
- I thought for sure Alfredsson would end the game in the shootout. Thankfully, no. He scored his obligatory goal.
- Silfverberg, on the other hand, well that's all he does. I think 80% of his goals are breakaways/shootouts.
- Galchenyuk asked Budaj if Lehner was the same goalie he went up against in Ottawa. Nope, this one is shorter. Only 6'3.
- Thank god you guys realized to shoot high on him.
- Eller pretty much mirrored Galchy's goal.
- GO HOME, TURRIS.
- "It sucks. I'm biting like it's awesome." Lehner on his shootout problems.

Habs are first in the East, and first in the East to reach 40 points. Take a bow, boys!

On a more serious note, Blake Geoffrion announced he's considering retirement because he feels there's no significant improvement to his condition. I'm so sad about this news! I'll never forget the noise of the hit. However I am glad a hockey player has put his priority on his life and his health over a game. A game that has already claimed a member of his family...

Good luck, BamBam.

Habs 5, Panthers 1+1: We like Florida

Woah woah tabernac. 

No contest.

Florida sweep.
- Watching how the Habs started the game, didn't look like they played last night. Then again, the travel from Tampa to Sunrise isn't much. So long as you stay on the road.
- Ryan White draws a penalty by taking a page out of what Steve Ott did to him. Except Ryan White wasn't being a dick and didn't deserve to get attacked by a Yonkman for a clean hit.
- DD practicing his golf swing on Markstrom. Hole in one.
- Markstrom probably having cold sweat flashbacks of his days in Rochester when the Americans were the farm team for the Panthers, and the Bulldogs typically ate him alive.
- Remind me again why Hoobadoo should get the Calder, RDS? Whobadoo?
- I'm just wondering but does that Calder trophy always go to a high-ish scoring rookie on a shit last place team or is it the "We're Sorry You Play For Edmonton" trophy?
- Ryder went from playmaker to tip-in-point-shot-dude. Next he'll throw in some wristers. Moving up.
- That big save on Armstrong wasn't as exciting as it the play-by-play guys made it.
- Captain takes an elbow in the face, rubs it off on the bench, replies with a goal soon after. Terrible Florida defence.
- You know, I think Price's cousin Keaton Ellerby is the happiest Panther ever because they traded him to the Kings.
- Frankie Bou gets paid by the icing.
- Hey he scored a goal!
- And another, for the Panthers. This time he actually shot it behind Budaj instead of just a bad lazy tip.
- Emelin couldn't stop laughing.
- PK Subban has 18 points in 20 games. Tied for 3rd in the League, with less games. Probably won't get talked about for the Norris because he actually plays defence. Oh and he's PK Subban. HATERS.
- OK Panthers, we spot you a goal and a half. Now go home.
- Ryder's 2nd of the game brought to you by PK Subban's wrister from the point. Hey, he doesn't just bomb them. His wrister is just as deadly.
- I hear Mathieu Darche is attempting to inject some respect and reasonable commentary by, you know, actually knowing the Habs on L'Antichambre. Good luck, but you might want to take a job with the NHLPA. You're too intelligent for those mouthbreathers.

Are you sure you want to join the Northeast, Panthers...?

Habs 4, Bolts 3: Or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Habs

Habs 2nd periods.

Thinking about skipping those 2nd periods from now on, Habs. I mean, if you guys do it, then why shouldn't I?

Good teams find a way to win. Good Habs teams find a way to piss off their fanbase while looking like a bunch of pylons for a whole period then come back to win it in the 3rd. Whatever works. Just as long as we got a steady supply of booze and things to throw at the TV set.

Hope you enjoyed that 1st place spot for those 5 minutes, Bruins.

Meanwhile, after the Habs powered back in the 3rd, the Lightning got their first shot on Price with about 1:40 left. Probably why Boucher stormed off after the final buzzer.

Are you really really really sure you want to join the Northeast guys?

Grrraaaaaaaah!

Scoring by committee. Pleky, Gionta, Emelin and another winner by Gallagher. Michael Ryder is apparently now a playmaker. And most of that 3rd was without Prust, who looked like he aggravated something whatever was already bothering him. Though it might be a good week for Prust to take off with only tomorrow, Wednesday and then Saturday with games. Ice bag that shoulder, Prusty. You deserve a break.

Welcome to the NHL, Pateryn. I'm sorry you have to play with Bouillon...

Habs 4, Whalercanes 2: Eat crow

The trolls have slunk back under their bridges. The slight aberration in Price's play fixed by a second period of 21 shots, including a penalty shot by a fairly good player of the Staal variety. A menu of crow shall be served shortly.

And those asking why Price hasn't stolen any games for them? Voila.

Clearly it was my fault...
- Seriously. Every time I take my dog for a walk something happens. Spent the whole 2nd walking the dog.
- I wondered if they all caught an intestinal infection in the 2nd period.
- For once, I'd like it if Therrien used his damn time out when the team goes off the rails instead of waiting for his damn icing. (Hint: they ice the puck a lot...how do you  know which to call it on)?
- The bonus of 42 saves is it re-balances Price's save percentage.
- Brandon Prust also played out of his mind.
- He and Eller ended with a goal and two assists, while Galchenyuk pitched in for some solid assistance. And I'm sure Pierre McGuire is thinking up a way to backtrack on his assessment of Eller.
- Don't hold your breath on that, by the way.
- Don't hold your breath in second periods with the Habs either.
- But Eller's goal was fantastic. He just came out of nowhere, backdoor. Usually WE are the victims of those.
- Josh Gorges, POWER FORWARD. No really.
- Did you see Emelin's spin-o-rama on the first goal?
- Shut up, Eric Staal.
- You too, Skinner.
- You know, considering Marc Staal's eye ate a puck the other night, you'd think the Staals would stop the macho crap and put on visors? Still visor-less.
- Then again, I bet Pronger would still growl something about cold dead hands and visors or whatever. Dude can't even play with his kids without some light or noise problems affecting him.
- PK Subban has 6 goals and 15 points in 18 games, including tonight's BOMB on the powerplay. And apparently Gaston Therrien thinks he should do more offensively. Also played 27 minutes.
- Could stop turning the puck over in front of your net, please? Especially while on a power play.
- I wish everyone would hound the puck the way Gallagher does. Pin him to the boards, he'll still go through you for the puck.
- The Hurricanes stole the HONK!HONK!HONK! LET'S GO CANES! from the Caps.
- I feel really bad for Weber. He finally gets to play, his play is rather odorous to say the least (that penalty shot call was weaaaaaaaaaaaaaak though), and then ends up injured. Gee I wonde why this happened? Maybe because he's been siting forever!
- Ryder was benched in the third. This is why they won. (Well, it helped).

42 saves, bitches. The answer to life, the universe, and everything.

Except a game star, apparently.

Habs 3, Islanders 6: Heads directly up your asses

You know all those plays that would have ended Sunday's game in favour of the Bruins had they managed to connect a few tap-in passes and picked the cornersor didn't ring off the symphony of posts? Well, the Islanders gave the Habs ample tape footage to illustrate this.

Turnovers, own goals, lost coverage...completely discombobulated chaotic defensive zone. It's like a pack of headless chickens running amok around their own net. And the cherry on top? DOUBLE screening their goalie while completely ignoring the man opened to the left waiting for them to perfectly block the shot to his stick. They got lucky against the Bruins, their luck ran out against the Islanders.

Puffing your chest out and saying "don't worry be happy we're still in first" only goes so far. If Therrien doesn't fix this sloppy play in their own zone they'll have to rely completely on luck and a difficult to perform powerplay. (Sure PK got that goal and all, but did you see what they did leading up to it? Putrid).

Can someone please explain to me how they manage so easily to screen and tip shots by their own goalie but seem absolutely incapable of doing it on the other end? Can you stop playing goalie and let the goalie play goalie? Case in point, after a terrible tip shot off Pacioretty's stick where Price makes the save on the changed trajectory, someone digs the puck out of the corner for Pacioretty to get out except he's stickless 'cause it broke, so the puck goes back to the point for a shot on net that's going right to Price's gut when....! Bouillon can't handle the guy heading for the net, and in his infinite wisdom of panic throws his stick out and perfectly tips the shot over Price into the net. Thanks for coming, Cube. Gold star.

By the way, Ryder? You suck. Go back to Dallas.

Of course we can explain what happened today in one simple term: SCOTT GOMEZ SCORE A GOAL. This, right after Mike Milbury defended the honour of the Montreal Canadiens to the troglodytes on Boston radio. Yes, World. You have officially tipped your axis.

Oh yea. Happy 20,000th goal Habs. I'm sure Gionta gives a damn about it now that he's in the history books without two points.

Habs 4, Bruins 3: Defeat the horde!

Look! Bruins!

Feels like the Habs walked into Boston and defeated an evil horde of orcs. Oh wait. They did.

Now, a win 24 hours after GoalFest '13 was not without it's flaws. I mean there must have been a symphony of 20 posts on the night on both ends. And I swear Budaj makes 90% of his saves with his eyes clothes while deep in prayer. Oh and that Kaberle-Bouillon pairing does not instill confidence. (Don't bring up Kaberle's +6 please, he hasn't played enough). And might I add that Galchenyuk on the fourth line does not protect him nor does it provide us with anything useful. (Did Therrien turn into Lindy Ruff overnight)? But hey, they've proved to be a resilient bunch capable of fighting through Therrien's weird over-coaching and strange decisions...

And sending Chara to the loony bin for 2, 5 and a 10 helps.

However, I can't say which team dominated the game because neither did. Habs came out on top without giving free points in OT though. And jockeyed to take that first spot back.

Meanwhile, TD Garden is currently busy cleaning up the hay.

Habs 6, Pens 7 (OT): Go home, Habs. You're drunk.

The above photograph is a fine example of either team's zone from the blue line and in. Defence and goaltending were optional tonight. I guess the only bright side is it didn't go 11-10 like I thought it would?

I managed to catch the biggest spin doctor on the game tonight in Glenn Healy claiming how the Pens dodged a bullet in first dressing Vokoun but winning the game, despite giving up 6 goals. Which is what he gave up last time he played. So I'm guessing the Penguins are the old Capitals now.

Truth is if the fucking Habs gave a fuck in defending tonight, and NOT STANDING AROUND LETTING PENGUINS SKATE FREE UP THE FUCKING SLOT OR HAVING FREE REIGN BEHIND THE NET WHILE NOT IGNORING THE GUY WAITING FOR THE TAP IN OUT FRONT...I dunno maybe they would be the 7 instead of the 6.

Or maybe the fatigue is kicking in already. Considering Price is taking so many optionals off...

But the battle back was something to be proud of. Of course, if that wasn't Vokoun, there probably wouldn't be any battle back...

Either way, happy 300th game to Brandon Prust, who opened the goal fest. And happy welcome back to clutch goal-land PK, who scored to tie the game with 0.7 seconds left in the second period.

It's a small consolation prize they actually managed to get a point out of that. Too bad. Bring some defence next time. Oh that would be tomorrow.

Habs 5, Leaf 2: Bite me

AIR GUITAR!

Harlem Shake is the Leafs' goal song.

Gorges is retweeting some chatter about someone wishing he were hotter than he is.

And Price is tweeting about Duck Dynasty.

Hockey jumped the shark.

Do I need to remind you Michael Ryder is a Hab again?
- You know what sucks? THIS FUCKING SLUSHSTORM.
- Why the flying fuck is Colton Orr playing 15 minutes? With Kadri? With more ice time than Kessel and JVR? Oh right, Carlyle thinks goons = wins.
- It's because of that, Mike Douchechops Brown's hit from behind on Gorges was a 5 and a toss instead of a 2. Yes, I think he was tossed simply to send a message to the bench to quit their shit now.
- Once again, Dion Phaneuf goes after things smaller than him and runs from Prust. But really, Gallagher doesn't give a crap who you are, he will skate through you and will usually end up under your goalie in the net.
- Which prompted a hilarious thing! CTV's Brian Wilde mentions a prayer for Gionta to teach Gallagher how to avoid dangerous situations. I totally disagree with this, as this is not in Gallagher's DNA. And anyway if you've watched Gally play most of his hockey life, teaching him to avoid danger is ridiculous and would kill his game (in any case, he knows what he's doing). Long story short, my disagreeing with his statement prompted Tennis Man to bite my fucking head off for being "contrarian on every bloody thing", of which I politely did not appreciate and clarified I'm merely disagreeing with his statement because Gally can take care of himself thank you very much. Plus, teaching him to go do the complete opposite of what made him an NHLer? Yea that's smart... In any case, he has deleted his side of the small exchange and probably blocked me like the insecure twat he appears to be. It's called a Twitter exchange. Deal with it or get off. (ie, Bite me).
- By the way, the Phaneuf hit on Gallagher? Gallagher stayed on his feet while Phaneuf tumbled over. Remind me who knocked Georges Parros on his ass in Florida? OH YEA, Gallagher.
- Still, some progress: Scrivens didn't attack Gally this time.
- Both goals against were total fails in coverage. You just can't stop skating guys...
- So Patches gets two glorious chances on the 5 minute major, misses both (including an absolutely abandoned net). PK breaks his stick on a shot, Scrivens bounces the rebound off Patches' leg and in. Typical.
- Though Patches made up for it on a Kovalev-esque shot after little DD out-muscled Phaneuf to get him the puck. (Suck it Phaneuf).
- Penalty shot: denied. Maybe next time Grabs should try biting the puck.
- Somewhere, Tyler Bozak is still bitching about losing the faceoff clean to DD on Gally's goal. YOU LOST THE DRAW. Deal with it.
- Every time I saw a Habs goal, I saw JVR float by after it. It was the only time I noticed JVR, really.
- When Emelin scores, I get real happy.
- And Gionta adds the rare empty netter for free wings!

So, Gallagher gave Ryder his number back and took his old 11 on. Happily took his number 11. Then again, Gallagher is basically synonymous with happy.

Suck it Leafs.

Back in time

Clearly it's Emelin's fault.

Habs just traded Erik Cole to Dallas for Michael Ryder and a 3rd round pick. And I don't know what to make of it.

On one hand the contract deals are fine. Cole has two years left, Ryder is up this year. On the other hand, the minute Bob Gainey went back to Dallas, Ribs and now Ryder are out. Hmmm...  And on my secret OTHER hand, well, Ryder isn't as physical as Cole, but scores just as much.

Upon entering my parents house to pick up my dog, my brother told me to hide the booze. Surely Ryder has grown up...right?

Though all bets are off if I see Mickey Ribs back or Pierre Dagenais crawl out from under his Federal League rock...

But the most important issue is: Does this mean Gallagher has to give back the number 73? All those new t-shirts already printed and sold...

Habs 1, Sens 2 (SO): ALL YOUR POSTS ARE BELONG TO US

McKayla is unimpressed by your goalposts.

That 8-foot goalie the Sens want to trade, Ben Bishop, and his mighty posts were the story of the game. Not much else you can do. Though I can say I am happy the Habs bucked the usual trend of what happens after Price picks up a 3-0 shutout (ie, they usually get shutout in the next game).


Picking up the point is important though. Take all you can get.

AND WILL SOMEONE SHOVE THAT CHRIS NEIL TROLL BACK UNDER HIS FUCKING BRIDGE PLEASE?

Now if you excuse me, I have some arts and crafts to do.

Habs 3, Rangers 0: Are you not entertained?

Is this not why you are here?

Awww Torts. You mad, bro? Or just upset your "supposed to win the Stanley Cup" team has the collective shooting accuracy of Chris Higgins?

And let's not kid here. The Rangers had the first period. They were pretty much in control, taking turnovers, blocking the Habs from coming up the ice at all to the point the Habs had 1 shot on net for most of the period. I mean Cube gave the Komisarek Special (saved by Price). Then I come back from walking Toaster, and it's 1-0 Habs. From there, looks like his team (save a few players of the lower-6 variety) packed up and played out the rest of the game with what looked like a "better luck next time" mentality.

Oh and he benched Marian Gaborik. Gold star, Torts. No goals for you!

Maybe Torts should ask new Als coach Dan Hawkins for advice.
- By the way, play Biron, play Lundqvist. Either way, Rangers kryptonite is the Bell Centre.
- I'm so happy Lars Eller has LINEMATES. Cole and Galchenyuk have given him something he didn't have since Andrei Kostitsyn was taken away.
- Sorry, if you think Pacioretty's hit on McDonagh is suspension worthy you're off your rocker. No, he didn't leave his feet. The blood was from McDonagh's visor. And what the fuck McDonagh DON'T TURN YOUR FUCKING BACK AFTER MAKING EYE CONTACT.
- Also Akim Aliu just did the same hit, but actually FLEW into Stoner in this Flames/Wild game and didn't even get a penalty (even though it should have been charging). Probably because Stoner is a big man who didn't turn stupidly.
- That said, Patches is a Hab. Shanabingban will probably bow to the Rangers and suspend him. (Even though the fucking Luke Schenn hit on Gallagher was way worse).
- Lucky for Luke Schenn, Gallagher was back. That first shot on net was thanks to his hard work.
- Carey Price finally knows what it's like to play for the Blues with the easiest shutout of his life.
- I prefer that second unit powerplay, thanks.
- Bronze that passing play. Keep the tapes for future references. Non-stop passes. Galchy, PK, Cube (?), Eller, with Cole standing around in the front. GOAL.
- Apparently Cole claims to get him going, he needs to be abused on the ice. Crosscheck him. Slap him around. Hit him into the boards. He wants it.
- Guess it worked. I don't remember him getting hit though.
- Galchenyuk has the ability to make something really good out of absolutely nothing.
- Lars Eller enjoys pissing off Torts.
- Torts should be happy. With a 5-on-3 at the end of the game, the Habs put out Ryan White, Colby "WHATPUCKWHERE" Armstrong and Travis Moen. And they almost scored.
- And with the game all but over, Girardi blocks a PK rocket right on the ankle. High probability that's broken.
- Guess we really know who's the worst of the two teams.

Weird factoid of the night: My Star Wars shirt is on a winning streak. Seriously.

May the Force be with you.