With the new schedule released once the Sochi thing got cleared up, the NHL announced what they're calling their new clusterfuck of divisions. Sorry guys, no Floreast in sight. My brother also proved that he's too smart for the NHL with his A, B, C, D division names. Instead, the evil geniuses have graced us with these sparkly jewels:
The Atlantic Division
Teams: Boston Bruins, Buffalo Sabres, Detroit Red Wings, Florida Panthers, Montreal Canadians, Ottawa Senators, Tampa Bay Lightning, Toronto Maple Leafs.
If we're in the "Atlantic" division, I demand easy access to a real Atlantic beach that doesn't require 5+ hours in a car.
My pick: This Division
The Metropolitan Division
Teams: New York Rangers, New York/Brooklyn Islanders, New Jersey Devils, Washington Capitals, Pittsburgh Penguins, Philadelphia Flyers, Carolina Hurricanes, Columbus Blue Jackets.
Because when I hear the word "metropolitan" I totally think of the Carolinas, or Columbus, or Pittsburgh.
My pick: That Division.
The Central Division
Teams: Chicago Blackhawks, St. Louis Blues, Nashville Predators, Minnesota Wild, Colorado Avalanche, Dallas Stars, Winnipeg Jets
Fairly bland in the "well you're technically in the middle of the countries" definition.
My pick: The Other Division
The Pacific Division
Teams: Los Angeles Kings, Anaheim Ducks, Phoenix/Arizona/Seattle Coyotes, San Jose Sharks, Vancouver Canucks, Calgary Flames, Edmonton Oilers.
Four out of seven that can actually see or physically touch the Pacific is better than nothing, I guess.
My Pick: The Bob Division.
Now go pat yourselves on the back, kids. Clearly you've strained your brains real hard for these names and the effort absolutely oozes from my screen. I mean, really. No "Joy Division"?
Sunday, July 21, 2013
Thursday, July 11, 2013
I wanted to retire at 30
It was my goal. But then I bought a condo, and now I can't retire. Bills to pay, a dog to feed.
Ilya Kovalchuk is lucky to be able to walk away from 77 million dollars to "retire" at 30 from the NHL. But why o why would the Russian sniper leave the NHL at the prime of his career? Why would he render the Devils a boring snoozing mess? Let us Top 10 these reasons in hopes of discovering why Kovalchuk would bail from the Jersey Shore. (Disclamer: yes I know he's just going to go play back home in the KHL where he'll probably make enough money to buy the Devils and Coyotes and comfortably move them to Belarus for shits and giggles).
10. After kicking the shit out of Brayden Schenn, he realized fighting a kid a decade younger than him was just plain weird. And he doesn't want to be THAT GUY who everyone says is their favourite player in those CBC Stanley Cup things. As teammates.
9. Pondering long and hard about this decision for at least a year, he decided to take a long walk somewhere by the shore to clear his thoughts, and promptly phoned Lou about his desire to leave the armpit of America. As soon as he could get him out of the trunk of some mysterious black sedan abandoned somewhere in Camden.
8. Adam Henrique needs a new deal. He called Kovalchuk for help considering the deal he managed to get. Knowing the team is in some rather tough times, Kovalchuk smiled.
7. Apparently the powerball jackpot's latest winner is somewhere in New Jersey. What a coincidence!
6. I heard Snookie moved in next door to the Kovalchuks. That's enough to get someone to switch planets.
5. Vladimir Putin promised him many gifts, including a very large ring full of diamonds.
4. And while stroking a sleeping Grizzly, Putin also informed him how his coming home to play would affect his position on the Olympic team...
3. With the departure of Parise, the impending retirement of Brodeur, and the recent departure of Clarkson, Kovalchuk shrugged and decided to join the club! Everybody leaves New Jersey! All except you, Patrik Elias.
2. His heart was always in Atlanta. Or maybe that was Atlant...
1. Sharknado. That was the last straw, America.
Run, Kovalchuk! Mother Russia awaits you!
Ilya Kovalchuk is lucky to be able to walk away from 77 million dollars to "retire" at 30 from the NHL. But why o why would the Russian sniper leave the NHL at the prime of his career? Why would he render the Devils a boring snoozing mess? Let us Top 10 these reasons in hopes of discovering why Kovalchuk would bail from the Jersey Shore. (Disclamer: yes I know he's just going to go play back home in the KHL where he'll probably make enough money to buy the Devils and Coyotes and comfortably move them to Belarus for shits and giggles).
10. After kicking the shit out of Brayden Schenn, he realized fighting a kid a decade younger than him was just plain weird. And he doesn't want to be THAT GUY who everyone says is their favourite player in those CBC Stanley Cup things. As teammates.
9. Pondering long and hard about this decision for at least a year, he decided to take a long walk somewhere by the shore to clear his thoughts, and promptly phoned Lou about his desire to leave the armpit of America. As soon as he could get him out of the trunk of some mysterious black sedan abandoned somewhere in Camden.
8. Adam Henrique needs a new deal. He called Kovalchuk for help considering the deal he managed to get. Knowing the team is in some rather tough times, Kovalchuk smiled.
7. Apparently the powerball jackpot's latest winner is somewhere in New Jersey. What a coincidence!
6. I heard Snookie moved in next door to the Kovalchuks. That's enough to get someone to switch planets.
5. Vladimir Putin promised him many gifts, including a very large ring full of diamonds.
4. And while stroking a sleeping Grizzly, Putin also informed him how his coming home to play would affect his position on the Olympic team...
3. With the departure of Parise, the impending retirement of Brodeur, and the recent departure of Clarkson, Kovalchuk shrugged and decided to join the club! Everybody leaves New Jersey! All except you, Patrik Elias.
2. His heart was always in Atlanta. Or maybe that was Atlant...
1. Sharknado. That was the last straw, America.
Run, Kovalchuk! Mother Russia awaits you!
Friday, July 5, 2013
Angry Greek God brings Fantastic Moustache to Montreal.
If this doesn't work out, he should run for mayor of Montreal. After all, who's going to tell him no? And he could lecture at the John Molson School of Business on his off days. Welcome George Parros. And your dog, Ramis.
Thursday, July 4, 2013
And suddenly, Danny Briererererere is a Hab
What do I think of this 2 year, 8 million deal for the magical spearing midget?
Sigh... Guess I'll have to tolerate your for 2 years. You better be useful or we feed you to McCarron.
Tuesday, July 2, 2013
We have a trade to announce...
No not the Danny Syvret trade.
Today we say good bye to Danny Kristo, who was traded for some reason to the Rangers for Christian Thomas. Essentially we traded the Count for what looks like another Corey Locke... But in winger form.
Can't say I'm thrilled. In fact, I'm rather annoyed. They could have at least tried to get Boo Nieves!
Also, what the fuck. You just killed my Danny Kristo/Louis Leblanc reunion tour.
Why did they do this trade? I have no idea. Kristo is only 2 inches taller than Thomas. Thomas is more of a scorer but I really don't know why the swap was necessary. And Bergevin threw around the fact that Thomas has "tremendous character" again.
Next time we acquire players, please don't use that tag again. I'm getting sick of "character"...
Today we say good bye to Danny Kristo, who was traded for some reason to the Rangers for Christian Thomas. Essentially we traded the Count for what looks like another Corey Locke... But in winger form.
Can't say I'm thrilled. In fact, I'm rather annoyed. They could have at least tried to get Boo Nieves!
Also, what the fuck. You just killed my Danny Kristo/Louis Leblanc reunion tour.
Why did they do this trade? I have no idea. Kristo is only 2 inches taller than Thomas. Thomas is more of a scorer but I really don't know why the swap was necessary. And Bergevin threw around the fact that Thomas has "tremendous character" again.
Next time we acquire players, please don't use that tag again. I'm getting sick of "character"...
Monday, July 1, 2013
The morning after...
So, now that all the fans and media have projected unreasonable goals for our new kids, let's have a look and see what the poor lambs have to say for themselves now that they woke up as possible future members of the oldest NHL team in the...NHL.
Not taking this jersey off until I have too. Best crest in the world #HABS
— Michael McCarron (@MacAttackUSA93) July 1, 2013
Stort tack för alla värmande ord! Stolt att vakna upp som en del av Montreal Canadiens organisation
— Jacob de la Rose (@JacobdelaRose) July 1, 2013
So proud to wake as member of the @CanadiensMTL, gonna work so hard to one day earn a chance to put that jersey on in Bell Centre! THANK YOU
— Jacob de la Rose (@JacobdelaRose) July 1, 2013
I only realized what just happened this morning as i woke up ! Woah ! Habs
— Zach Fucale (@Fucale31) July 1, 2013
Im proud to be in the @CanadiensMTL family! #Habs
— Artturi Lehkonen (@arsilehkonen) July 1, 2013
Thanks everyone for the love! Wish I could retweet and favourite everything! Best day of my life!! Won't regret picking me @CanadiensMTL
— Connor Crisp (@connorcrisp23) July 1, 2013
so excited and proud to be with the @CanadiensMTL ! #habs
— Sven Andrighetto (@Andrighetto25) July 1, 2013
Martin Reway has Twitter, but with like 5 tweets on it and two aren't his. Jeremy Gregoire too but hasn't said anything in half a month. If they were PK Subban, HNIC would see this as a sign they're not team players or some shit like that.
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