Assassin's Goalie

Thanks to this lockout, Carey Price can continue his budding acting career.

Welcome to the Semi-Live Super Awkward NHL All-Star Game!

It's like a high school year book photo

From Cirque Éloize to ice ballet with Brind'Amour and Francis to...Ferris Bueller? I have no idea who is doing the awkward bad karaoke during player introductions. I couldn't tell when the Leafs guys came out either, could you? (Hint: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO)! Poor Jimmy Howard, gets the weakest cheer on Team Lurch for the goalies.

First Period (Howard/Lundqvist)
- Gaborik opens the scoring and then shoots Lundqvist with a stick gun. That same victory "shot" got Anisimov in trouble. (Lurch 1-0)
- Yandle with the first PING of the game for Team Alf!
- MMMMalkin. So smooth you didn't even see that the puck went in. (Lurch 2-0)
- Shots already 6-1 for Team Lurch.
- FIRST HIT! Well no, not really. Just an accidental not-looking-where-they're-going bump. Lightly.
- Tavares on a quiet semi-breakaway meets Howard's glove.
- Lundqvist is gonna HATE Gaborik, who might be trying to best his 5-goal performance in one period. (Lurch 3-0)
- The world was shocked to learn Girardi ends up being the one to get Team Alf on the board, then relieved to hear Spezza actually tipped it in. (Lurch 3-1)
- Hartnell down!
- Hartnell feeds a Wonder Twin. "Suck it, Phaneuf. Woo!" (Lurch 3-2)
- Someone misses the net, but Tavares is sitting in his office to tuck it in. Just like that one time in the World Juniors... (Tied 3-3)
- Giroux bumps Perry while smilling. Wanna go? Naaah.
- Big save by Howard on Tavares again but no one really noticed.
- Good job, Phaneuf! A hooking penalty on Stamkos for a penalty shot. Except Stamkos is a spinning weenie. Seriously dude, everyone knows you're going to spin...
- PING for Lupul.
- Kane tries to stuff one in, Lundqvist makes his best save of his 20 minutes.
- Hey, they're actually attempting to play defence.
- Muppet Show Theme on the organ.
- Tweet of the Period: (@The1Tab) The Habs scored more goals in 1 period vs Jimmy Howard than Team Alfredsson did...
- Observation: I find it hilarious Tavares is a good friend of PK's. One man is cardboard, the other is all sizzles.

First Intermission: Don Cherry is bitching about nonsense while some previous All-Stars are carted out to center ice. A video of some recent ones hit the screen. Kovy got booed...

Second Period (Price/Quick)
- Price on entering the 2nd: "I feel like a lamb being led to slaughter."
- If they don't score more than 10, he'll be happy.
- Sadly NBC gets Price Mic'd up today. CBC gets...Mr. D doing play-by-play. Badly. But notices Price is facing the right way.
- First hat trick goes to Marion Gaborik. (Lurch 4-3)
- Mr. D should have done it with a Scottish accent to begin with.
- Big save by Price on Real Deal.
- BOOO Leafs scored. Oh wait. (Lurch 5-3)
- We appreciate the 3-on-1 practice. Big save off Tavares.
- Another 3-on-1 give and go and Price gets a piece of it but it slips in (Lurch 5-4)
- Price Mic: "That's a good play - I'll take that, I'm not too proud!"
- Price with a save off Hartnell, in the gut.
- CRASHING PRICE AT THE ALL-STAR GAME. Fuckers. He still made the saves.
- While Hartnell and Lupul split play-by-play duty for their respective teams, Price gets help from a crazy series of posts and ends with a save. Price claims he'll be taking the posts out for dinner.
- Alfredsson finally gets one to wake up Ottawa, only 'cause Price was talking about rodeo to NBC. (Tied 5-5)
- Alfredsson takes Hartnell's spot with the Wonder Twins for his second goal while Jeremy Roenick distracted Price through the ear piece. (Alf 5-6)
- Crowd goes OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH as Price flashes the glove on Spezza. He later regrets the reflex and thinks he should have let Spezza score. (But he already has a goal).
- Kane does the David Desharnais walk-out-front. (Tied 6-6)

"I won't lie, I was checking myself out on the big screen"

Second Intermission: Most of the players come out to watch Drake. Price slid across the ice on his knees for a prime spot.

Third Period (Thomas/Elliott)
- Timmeh punches his first puck while backwards and CBC splooges. These All-Stars should be eating these rebounds for breakfast, lunch, supper, and dessert.
- Big save by Elliott off Seguin on a backdoor play.
- Seguin was also mic'd up but that yielded zero highlights. (Cardboard).
- Anyone see Logan Couture or did he take his new car out for a spin?
- Kessel with his usual down the wing, off the post and in shot. Yandle gives him an elbow after. (Lurch 7-6)
- Michalek right in front stuffs it top-shelf. Wouldn't have counted in a real game since it was a hand pass. (Tied 7-7)
- MMMMalkin to Iggy makes me drool... (Lurch 8-7)
- Timmeh coughs it up and Giroux stuffs it. Timmeh laughs (Tied 8-8)
- Why are we trapped with Hartnell and Lupul mic'd up? Surprisingly lame.
- Hossa made Karlsson look funny on a no-check in-check breakaway. Through Karlsson's legs, top shelf over Elliott. Prettiest goal of the game. (Lurch 9-8)
- Chara leading the rush down the middle...with that stick? Didn't really need to get that close to the net to score. (Lurch 10-8)
- Perry off a nasty dish from Iggy. (Lurch 11-8)
- WONDER TWINS ACTIVATE! And then Timmeh hugs Henrik Sedin after he crashes the net. (Lurch 11-9)
- Timmeh being a jerk and NOT playing along to allow Alfie a hat trick. Seriously.
- Lupul makes it 12-9 and Timmeh still won't give Alfie his hat trick.
- Chara was a +7, Spezza a -5. Hilarious.

Gaborik gets the big cheque and the MVP. I know he deserved it, but way to not stuff the ballots there, Ottawa...

I think the best part of this weekend was watching the hockey world fall in love with Price. Yes, even Bruins fans. Welcome to what we already know and why we love him so :)