Doom and Gloom! Game 80 - Rangers

The New York Rangers do not have a mascot, and so they had to bring Sean Avery back. He'll make labels in under 30 seconds. The good kind that you can print off your computer and then sticker on your folders. Pretty sweet deal to pick off Dallas waivers.

The place: Monosodium Glutamate in the heart of New York. The time: a day after you fucking played a monday game at home and lost. Objective: to kick some Rags around. Personal objective: Stundqvist with 5 goals. Ray of hope: Schneider was apparently on the flight. No idea if that means he's ok, or if he's just going home, or if he's going to see a doctor there...

Last time Habs played the MSG, Kovy said it was like skating in a field of potatoes. That was also when Lang scored a hat trick... I miss Lang...

Yea, I dunno. The Rags are so bland, Chuck's got nothing to kick.

OK people. If yesterday wasn't enough proof of why trading Markov for Lecav IS A BAD FUCKING IDEA I don't know what else to say...
The end is nigh. Three games left. God I miss Schneider and Markov. Fuck you Maple Leafs. Go Habs Go.

Time to kick buttix! Game 79 - Senators

The officially and mathematically eliminated from the playoffs Ottawa Senators come to town, looking to cause trouble and hoping to piss on your plans. Excuse me while I enjoy myself on your behalf, dear Senators of the city so close it could be a suburb of Montreal but...LOL. For so long you kicked us when we were down, it kind of feels nice to not see you in the post-season for a change. I know that's mean, but that's life. And our history actually connects to a name and symbol, unlike a Senator and Legion soldier and a Spartan or Spartacat, whatever the fuck that is.

Look familiar?

Never realized it took 4 people to neutralize Greek Lightning.

We don't need a rediculous pep talk by a d00d in a cheap costume. We have Youppi. And Breezer.

And when our GM steps behind the bench, he knows what he's doing.

Habs don't care who they face in the post-season. Four games and counting. Go Habs Go.

Bring your fucking toys! Game 78 - Maple Leafs

Old time hockey tonight.

OK, because the Habs beat the Blackhawks earlier this week, they officially eliminated the Leafs (and Sens) from even mathematically making the playoffs. This news got Brian Burke all huffy. Now you might recall earlier this season I said I had hoped the Leafs could squeak in, with hopes of facing them for old time hockey's sake. But honestly? The Teacher's Pension guys didn't even budget for the playoffs or possibility of. And while the players may play over their heads, the powers above apparently didn't even believe in any of that "you never know in hockey" stuff. A little hard work can go a long way. So direct your growls at the right place and try again next season. And every win they pull out of their ass right now just further screws around with their draft pick. Though, that doesn't stop them from hunting down and signing every NCAA star. Have fun, kids.

This chart is a little out of date.

The bigger tragedy with the Leafs is that Fake Brian Burke has closed his twitter page. I don't drink beer, but I'll pour one out for you, Down Goes Brown. Those tweets were pure genius and no other Fake GM on twitter can compare.

No more flu, guys. Le Chuck cured it with a flying kick. If not, send Price out to lick all the water bottles in the Leafs' room.

And so my Habs, last time you boys met was while you were going through changes and re-finding your confidence. Sure you're all probably flu-ridden and the Priceberg is quarantined in his room, but the SWAGGER is back baby! If running over the Islanders in a proper manner taught you anything, it's that the Leafs are pretty much the same. The only difference is they've screwed themselves so much for that Tavares sweepstakes that I smell a Lindros trade coming... And you have to shadow them hard if you want to lock down a lead, but I digress. Either way, they are but a speedbump in your quest for glory. So to you from failing hands we throw The torch; be yours to hold it high. Go to Hog Town, get your two points, maybe give them a bit of the Habs Flu, and come home ready to smack around the other team from Ontario.

Cobra is an awesome film.
Five games left. Go Habs Go.

Fish Sticks! Game 77 - Islanders

Lucky number 77.

OK! So you beat up on Atlanta pretty nicely... Then took the smack down on Tampa Bay despite a goalie playing way over his head... Brought a desperate team that kind of mirrors your own to 6 rounds of a shootout and nabbed a point from it even though you deserved 2... And finally, the final test, absolutely ran over a young hot Chicago ressurected from years of neglect. Tomorrow, you face the annoying Islanders. What do I expect out of you? Well, free wings would be nice. I hate fish sticks.

The place: Nassau "We Need a New Arena" Coliseum. It's a road trip, but to two of you (well, Schneider's from New York too) it's a third home. (Ottawa is the second home). A Coliseum is the perfect setting for a 60 minute smack down. But YOU better be doing the smack down, boys!

You'll have to do it without Sergei Ass Kicker, though. That hit he took the other night aggravated an old injury, so he's staying home to entertain the parents. The fire should be lit under big brother Andrei, no longer dragged down with the flu. Dagger will probably take Sergei's spot. Hammer appears to be ok to play, if anything, he's ok to travel.

The Priceberg takes the net, Higgy will be showing off for all the ice girls and his parents, the ATK line is hot hot hot, and Markov MVP shows no signs of slowing down. I liked what I saw the other night. Keep it going. Right now, there's no excuse to allow these types of teams to rain on your parade! Kovy already has a playoff beard going. They call him, Blond Beard.

Cowabunga!

Calling Line 2, do you read me? Game 76 - Blackhawks

Last time I was in Chicago it was more of a drive by while in search of a place to eat. I was partially disturbed by the fact that no one was out playing in the suburban parks on a nice, Sunday summer afternoon. But it was in this city (well, outside the city to be exact) that I received the craziest words of wisdom by eavesdropping on what looked like a displaced Texan dealing business in a truck stop eatery...

"If you don't walk in my boots, don't tell me my feet stink." Unreal.

The Blackhawks have finally turned a corner this season, and it's nice to see considering how pathetic and sad this Original 6 team has been for so long. The jury is still out, though, considering how horrible the team has been in the playoffs throughout history (assuming they made the playoffs, though they've no problem this season)... Tomorrow, however, the scale is tipped in your favour my Habs. The Canucks just shut them out 4-0, and their young team is inconsistent at best, particularily on defense. If you attack them hard like you did the Slugs, your chances of winning will be high. (I say this because I saw the Canucks own them in a similar manner). There are still a few you've gotta watch besides the smooth skating Campbell. Price's old friend Jonathan Toews and Sergei's old buddy Patrick Kane can be the dynamic dynamo. And then there's the rookie they call Versteeg. Some say he holds the power of a thousand brilliant suns. Others say he was born with skates genetically grafted onto his feet. The rest say he eats the hockey cards of past greats and absorbs their greatness through osmosis. All we know is he's called Versteeg.

Barber Pole Night.

There is no curse on the Barber Pole, Chuck Norris countered any hex on it with a roundhouse kick.

The Bob has called out the 2nd line though we could let it slide a tad considering one was ill, one reverted to zombism, and the other was left alone to his own devices, while the stand-in for the ill was playing like he was ill. On the other hand, time's running out! Leadership comes from the Center, and it's time to tighten your turtle neck, Pleky, and take those brothers under your wings. Think back to preseason when you were practically captain of the Second Squad that went on tour of the East coast. Where's the toe drag and score? Where the set up while you and Sergei patrolled the blue line to watch the (other) children? Where's the Coast to Coast with Andrei Kostitsyn? (You did it only ONCE this year and I'm sad for that). Bob's got you taking the 2nd unit powerplay and we need you in case the ATK line is neutralized. We need SuperPleky! We need the BelaRocket! We need Sergei Ass Kicker! C'mon boys, join the party!

Markov: MVP-Man. Another 30 minutes?
We need the rest of you D-guys to be like Mike and follow Markov. We also need a Lead-Protection Man. Who's it gonna be?

Young Lord Price vs Mentor Huet. But which Huet will walk in tomorrow, I can't say. He hasn't played in weeks... In any case, Price will call upon the power of the Caribou and show those Blackhawks who's the Chief. Make the Ulkatcho proud!

Make your cake, eat it - Game 75 Buffaslugs

If you ever find yourself driving around southern Alberta, go pay a visit to the Head-Smashed-In-Buffalo-Jump site. It's really quite the fascinating place. But that's another buffalo. THIS is the Buffalo you need to watch. THIS is the Buffalo currently beating the Leafs 4-1 though not much of a measuring stick since Cujo and Pogge are taking net duty because Gerber got himself suspended for being angry at referee Leggo. Well Cujo just got pulled for Pogge. Whatever! And Ryan Miller is back. I would think a bit too soon considering he was felled by a high-ankle sprain but I guess it wasn't a serious one. So what do you do, Habs? Why you get your hard hat and your work pail and grab a beer. Prepare to get dirty 'cause YoMamaWeen's in town.

There are no Buffaloes because Chuck Norris got them all.

The Bob has all faith in you, boys. So much faith that he isn't changing the lineup. And with AK46 downed by the flu, Dagger stays in his spot. The ATK Line (Alexei-Tanguay-Koivu) is still pretty hot, General Markov IS NOT being traded for Lecavalier (how can you even suggest that, Pierre Houde?!), and the Ninja Line is ready for shadow duty (Higgy-Dandy-Metro) which is probably a good idea considering how if you give the Slugs an inch they'll skate the whole mile. That said the rest of you Dmen better wise up. You had practice in the Bolts game and did a lovely job until you went braindead for 5 minutes and allowed them back in the game. But now you gotta bring it like never before because the Buffaslugs want your playoff spot. Will you let them take it? No wai~! Stay sharp, chug the gatorade, get your haterade, and get yourself a nice shiny W!

Top-Heavy Bug is going DOWN! Game 74 - Bolts

Ok boys. You pulled off a convincing win despite the lumpsided numbers on paper (never mind that) and played your heart out. You terrorized the other team with your powerplay and owned them for every error they made. You made Kari Lehtonen poop his shorts by hitting the crossbar when you didn't hit the net. Well next up is a similar team. They're 14th in the conference, 29th in the league. In fact the Thrashers are BETTER than them! They've got the whole buffet of first overalls in their lineup and appear to be collecting more of them until they're a team of natural born superstars I guess. Their number 1 goalie is concussed somehow (guess he did get hit too many times in the head with the puck while with Dallas) and their backup veteran is done for life. Their new number 1 goalie has his brains on his mask and I've no idea who his backup is. Either way they're not that good... Their franchise center is who everyone hopes is the next Gros Bill though frankly I find that insulting. This is the same guy your home crowd cheered for the loudest at the ASG and he replied with a weak wave and did nothing in the game. Will you go out there despite knowing all this and take an L in the scoresheet? I sure hope not.

Know your enemy. Their mascot is a top-heavy bug who spends his off days terrorizing beach goers. Top-heavy, just like the team's overloaded contracts.

Youppi (or Chuck) can take the bug thing, but YOU will take the win! And it's crucial you do because those dastardly Panthers, despite having the best radio play-by-play guy who's got movie-reference tourettes (oh yea, he got beat up by Lyle Odelein once), are NIPPING at your heels! Even if they appear to be in pure meltdown mode, there's also Buffalo who may or may not be able to do something.

Tuesday you showed us that we have an actual number 1 line: two Alexes and a Saku. Tuesday when Kovy scored and gave Saku a bear hug, I think I heard the sound of a zillion franco-media brains exploding. Was that team-love?! EGADS! Hey guys, did you know Koivu and Kovy's locker are right next to each other? *Listens for more explosions* And the glue between them was Man of Glass Tanguay who missed a big chunk of his life this year because of the team coming into your home.

Tuesday we also saw the return of Komisaurus. We saw a bunch of players with clearly defined roles from scoring, energy, and defense. We saw a win that didn't depend on your goalie standing on his head. Can you keep it going? Sure you can! Why? Because I say so. One win is lovely but a streak is even better. And I don't want to reference anything SAW related, ok?

Go. Play. Have fun.

Desperate times call for desperate measures! Game 73 - T(h)rashers

I haven't done game intro posts since the start of the season, and had planned to do one every time the team met another for the first time, but that fell victim to the "I'm too busy to post before I dash out to work you stupid NHL schedule". Now that the Habs have a rather normalized schedule, it's crunch time.

No more bus to be tossed under. Chuck Norris killed it.
There are 10 games left, boys.
DO IT.

Sergei Kostitsyn is back. And 'cause Bob's your uncle and a genius, he puts him with brother Andrei and Pleky. THANK YOU BOB! The "rafters" on the comment page at Habs I/O call him a lazy boy with no heart. I'll have you know he was one of the boys in tears on the bench when they got bounced in the playoffs last season. He stares at the play through a steely glare that equals Gary Roberts'. He smashes his stick on the bench when he misses an opportunity and then looks around wondering if anyone heard. I saw him battle a bigger player than himself in the neutral zone to get the puck over to a flying Chipchura for an empty netter they didn't really need since they were already up 4-2. Yea he's still a boy and he may miss some passes, but he's got more in him than the annoyingly angry masses give him credit for. And do I love his patented hip checks or what?

Those same angry masses say the season is over. It might be, but I don't care. Go watch something else. Go pray for Lecavalier and then cry when he does nothing on his massively overloaded contract so we can be like those one-player teams and continue crying when the pack of players sent the other way are absolutely brilliant. Unless they don't send a pack of players that matter the other way, and renegotiate his psychotic contract, then he can come and play all he wants. (I went to school with the guy, by the way. Whenever someone mentioned him maybe playing for the Habs he looked like he wanted to go hide in the hills). If you like Vince so much go cheer for the Bolts. There's only one team that counts. This is MY team now, and I never surrender.

Kovalchuk is good. We want him here too but that'll never happen. Though I'll trade you Higgins, Bouillon (sorry) and Mathieu Carle (because he asked, must be post-concussion syndrome) for Kovalchuk and Esposito nudge wink.

The Bell Centre jumbotron kept listing them as Trashers.

This game is huge. That said, fuck the fans with no class who boo guys during their video and then wonder why they're too depressed to play. A week ago they were naming their children after them. Tomorrow you play a team that you better beat. Tomorrow you play for ME. And I have a picture ready if you lose. I also have one ready if you win.

Woo~!

Habs 4, Zebras 3 (SO)

Zebras?

Yes.

Tonight's magical home opener for the 100th season, which diligently paid tribut to our Hall of Famers (many of whom were present) and the two eldest living Canadiens players (Elmer Lach and Butch Bouchard), was crashed by 4 Zebras who need a refresher course with "Icing, Offside, Boarding, Goalie Interference, Too Many Men on the Ice, Tripping, Holding, Hooking, and Interference For Dummies". Oh and 1 point to the boards courtesy of Disney on Ice for not putting it back properly and assiting on Marc Savard's rather empty netter.

Thankfully our Wunderkin in nets was able to hold the fort as his teammates got gloomier than the last game of the playoffs last season. Here's a quick recap, 'cause I'm tired...

- The Ring of Honour was unveiled and a few who's name now sit on our walls were present. (Béliveau doesn't really count 'cause he's always there--guys were bowing down to him when the camera came on though). I was between Dick Duff and Larry Robinson. Not ever day these fine gentlemen venture into our neck of the woods!
- Pregame footage mixing today's Habs playing vintage footage foes. Beautiful!
- Team intro, guys barely wave, but I remember Price, Kovy and Captain K (of course) giving us the stickwave.
- Booins join the ice.
- Elmer Lach is 90 years old and still walking. Butch Buchard is in a wheelchair. They perform the ceremonial faceoff.
- Over twenty-one thousand people singing O Canada loudly in Quebec by their own free will always warms my heart.
- Ask a Hab is playing on the screen. Something about who they like better between Chuck Norris, Steven Segal, Jean-Claude Van Damme. TK says "Chuck Norris because when Chuck Norris jumps into water, he doesn't get wet, the water gets Chuck Norris". (Kovy, Price, Rhino also pick the Chuck... I don't know why it's not on Habs TV yet).
- Kovalev is magic, from that goal to dancing around Bears.
- Captain gets his first goal of the season!
- Fruit Punch scores shorthanded!
- Thooooooooomaaaaaaaaaaaaas got beat on the same side at 3 different levels for each goal (low by the foot, 5 hole, top-shelf).
- Gorges is my favourite defender
- There's something wrong with Markov when he goes 1-on-1 with a breakaway attacker in that he gives them too much room whereas last year he would always stickcheck or really force them off to the corner...
- Gorgeous Georges answers Thornton's call, falls and gets back up swinging like nothing happened.
- Lucic is a douchbag.
- Andrei Kostitsyn continues to hit things that move and seems to enjoy it.
- Tanguay also hits things. Who said he was soft?
- Bears have a tendency to slapshot when they want to put the puck in the opposing zone. And I'm talking right at the goalie, not in the corners.
- Thomas is tripped by his own player
- Ryyyyyyyydeeeeeeeer is being shutdown by his former team or psyched out by his former fans.
- Tom Kostopoulos rocks!
- I'm blind, I'm deaf, I wanna be a ref!
- Gui! hits more things but REALLY should just shoot the puck instead of trying to dangle.
- Carey Price, glove save, big smile. That was a rocket from the point.
- Instead of trickling around, the puck FLIES off a broken board and Savard hits in in a net while Price was trying to get back but gets tangled with Gorges.
- Refs make the Bears so innocent and continue to get booed by unhappy spectators.
- Shootout, Boston snipers stopped by Price. Tanguay aims for the water bottle. Habs win and I get a free ticket again.

Tonight, Habs proved that even when the refs hand a game to the Bruins on a silver powerplay platter, they'll still try to win it whether it's from Price's efforts alone or some offense trying to shake off the gloom of being penalized for breathing... I also think that makes it 12-0 regular season games the Habs have won against the Bruins? Something like that...

One question though: If Chuck Norris were a Hab playing against the Bruins, what would happen?