Realined

With the new schedule released once the Sochi thing got cleared up, the NHL announced what they're calling their new clusterfuck of divisions. Sorry guys, no Floreast in sight. My brother also proved that he's too smart for the NHL with his A, B, C, D division names. Instead, the evil geniuses have graced us with these sparkly jewels:

The Atlantic Division
Teams: Boston Bruins, Buffalo Sabres, Detroit Red Wings, Florida Panthers, Montreal Canadians, Ottawa Senators, Tampa Bay Lightning, Toronto Maple Leafs.
If we're in the "Atlantic" division, I demand easy access to a real Atlantic beach that doesn't require 5+ hours in a car.
My pick: This Division

The Metropolitan Division
Teams: New York Rangers, New York/Brooklyn Islanders, New Jersey Devils, Washington Capitals, Pittsburgh Penguins, Philadelphia Flyers, Carolina Hurricanes, Columbus Blue Jackets.
Because when I hear the word "metropolitan" I totally think of the Carolinas, or Columbus, or Pittsburgh.
My pick: That Division.

The Central Division
Teams: Chicago Blackhawks, St. Louis Blues, Nashville Predators, Minnesota Wild, Colorado Avalanche, Dallas Stars, Winnipeg Jets
Fairly bland in the "well you're technically in the middle of the countries" definition.
My pick: The Other Division

The Pacific Division
Teams: Los Angeles Kings, Anaheim Ducks, Phoenix/Arizona/Seattle Coyotes, San Jose Sharks, Vancouver Canucks, Calgary Flames, Edmonton Oilers.
Four out of seven that can actually see or physically touch the Pacific is better than nothing, I guess.
My Pick: The Bob Division.

Now go pat yourselves on the back, kids. Clearly you've strained your brains real hard for these names and the effort absolutely oozes from my screen. I mean, really. No "Joy Division"?

Habs 4, Leafs 1: It's all over

I'd say this photo basically sums up my reaction to the Habs season.

We have 1 rule.

No matter how the season went. No matter how much it has generally sucked. No matter if your team is playing a meaningless game. No matter if a loss will help push the draft lottery slightly in your favour. The one rule is just beat the Leafs.

And oh how the delusionally mighty have fallen. This is why you don't plan parades in October, Leafs.

Remember when they said Erik Cole would be the worst free agent signing, and that Tim Connolly would be the godsend center the Leafs were looking for? Yea. Cole's got 35 goals and still dropped down to block a shot in a nothing game with 6 minutes left while up 3-1.

Not only are the Leafs bad, but they gave up a 5-on-3 shorthanded goal. By the way, that 5-on-3 was being killed by Pleky, Campoli, and St-Denis.

They pulled Scrivens with 3 minutes left and Brad Staubitz bowled it home 200ft. He only scores probably a goal a year, but it always seems to be the LAST game of the year. And he was mauled by the bench.

Once the game was done, the staff, team, and injured players went to center ice. The amount of players in suits was quite astonishing...and a big reason why this team ended up where it did. Some will say injuries are a lame excuse. Frankly, when that many key players are down? Why is it only OK for the Islanders to use that excuse? But Carey Price with his cowboy hat on was a wonderful sight.

There's not much else to say, really. I miss the Habs already...

Is it October yet?

You know you're bored when...

...News breaks out that Andrei Kostitsyn reportedly told some Russian newspaper through translation that Jacques Martin doesn't talk to him even though he's tried talking to the coach.

Snore...

Do I need to remind you all again that Kostitsyn is one of those "comfort zone" players? A guy who wants to know why something was changed when something was initially working well? A guy who finally has mustered up the courage to actually go talk to his coaches? A player who was given new challenges defensively and didn't fail at those tasks?

He's done everything this organization has asked of him, from playing in Hamilton to changing his game so he could become a more well-rounded player. The least his coach can do is talk to him some times. Don't base your opinion of this player on the heresay of RDS or talk radio.

So go back to your summer slumber, everyone. We all know how much of a stubborn dude Martin is. And just like any job, Kostitsyn can still work without Martin. After all he's got the rest of the guys in the room to turn to.

The Stanley Cup finals are for...

10. Sleeping on the sofa.
9. Sleeping on the sofa with the dog.
8. Discovering other sections of the newspaper.
7. Going back and replaying the Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess and basically just standing in Hyrule field with the music going full blast while watching the clouds go by.
6. It's a pretty epic song so turn on your Wii and give it a try.
5. Not wanting to talk about it then rolling your eyes as your suddenly bizarrely interested in hockey father has something stupid to say about it.
4. Discovering your mother is no better.
3. Conversations with your brother are still pretty normal (Habs, hockey, video games, but mostly video games).
2. Cleaning the apartment and ironing a shitload of clothes.
1. Watching HGTV. A lot.

Game 7 - Habs 3, Bruins 4 (OT): Live and Let Die

It was close in the end but it didn't start out like that.

Predictably, they came out playing the way they always did in back-to-back games. You know the usual chasing around, standing slackjawed, have the play pretty much entirely in their own end... Spotted the Bruins a 2-goal lead early then Martin calls a timeout. I'd say it helped a bit but really, unless you got them strapped to an intravenous of Red Bull it seemed they were heading for 60 minutes of perimeter play. And then Ryder takes a stupid penalty. Weber scores.

Please tell me Martin has written in caps in his notebook: "PLAY WEBER AGAINST THE BRUINS!!!" Really. He's got 3 goals against them with two BIG ones this series.

Then Tomas Jagr scores shorthanded while on a breakaway. You just start to believe. You can't help it. (By the way, Bruins 0-for-everything on the powerplay. Yea, Kaberle).

Punch in the gut as Kelly scores alone on a bouncy rebound after the refs miss not only a high stick but a spear to Hamr's throat. Can't be pleased, but there were 4 other guys on the ice that did nothing to stop him. I mean it's Chris Kelly. Blow on him, he'll fall over.

The goal and situation seemed dire. Price had to make more game saving saves. Would have bee 5-2 in a few minutes if not for him.

It's then you've come to terms and resolved your satisfaction with a team that was supposedly not even make the playoffs according to every talk show panel out there. Suddenly, like the secret agent he is, Patrice Bergeron high-sticks Wisniewski in the face. He heard the ole ole ole and like the Manchurian Candidate he is opened the door for the Habs dangerous powerplay to kick in.

PK Subban rips it. Thomas had burn marks by his ear. The kid is clutch. Game 7 goes to overtime.

Habs came out of OT like they realized they could take it. Unfortunately they were shooting the equivalent of wet socks towards a very nervous looking Thomas. Bruins nearly put the puck in their own net, twice, which were the most dangerous plays he faced. And just like that, more running around deep in their own zone. Horton is allowed to rip it from the point and the puck bounces off 3 guys just past Price.

Series over. Season over. Final score of 17-17 if you could believe it. I know a few media types around town are surprised.

I can only be proud of the Habs especially minus Markov and Gorges, but more importantly without Pacioretty who was brutally eliminated by that team's captain. He would have been a definite plus in this series, just like he was in every game he played against them.

And one cannot be depressed over the revelations of Lars Eller, who has grown exponentially in this series. We saw his skills, his prowess, his speed, and his resilience. We saw PK become the leader in ice time in the whole NHL for a defenceman. We saw Ryan White outhit the Bruins and the Red Sox. Desharnais showed what we all knew: that he 5'6" and 8' of HEART. And of course Weber, showing his versatility but more importantly HIS GOALS.

They worked hard. They tried. They lost by a millimeter. Right until the bitter end through all the hacks, slashes, cheapshots, and bad ice. Couldn't ask for a better series. And now we finally don't have to hear the Bruins whine until next season.

And as the Bruins go on to play the Flyers...I say Go Team Meteor!

Yea, what I'm rooting for Nashville.

Don't forget the AHL: Tomorrow the Bulldogs take the next step against the Moose! Apparently only Ryan White can rejoin them. As for the rest of the guys eligible, I'm hoping they have enough left in them to go play for their respective countries...most notably Price and Subban for Team Canada.

Here's to next season. Good Night, and good luck.

A bad case of the Mondays...

Heeeere radio radio radio...

This is the problem with Montreal: everyone and their dog has an opinion on hockey and if you stick a mic on them, they think they're legit. In this case, I think the dog would have better insight than PJ Stock.

It's tough enough waking up on a Monday. Harder after you've spent the wee hours of 2-3am phoning security and then the cops on some suspicious activity happening below. And doubly harder when your crappy alarm clock radio has difficulty reaching your favourite station which hails from Vermont and plays ACTUAL music so your stuck with the terrible morning show of CHOM who decided they'd get in on the Sports scene more by firing Ted Bird and hiring former-useless facepuncher PJ Stock (who was "fired" from the actual sports station) to berate the Habs every fucking morning. His bitterness can't be cured with a morning coffee. Or maybe it's those early hours waking up that causes him to kvetch so much. Either way, it's NOT how I wish to wake up in the morning. But the fleeting chance of a traffic report or say some actual music has me stuck on this station. Also, THERE'S NOTHING ELSE unless I sleep on my sofa and set my TV to wake me up...which might not be a bad idea other than the prospect of ruining my back.

Sadly until the solar prominence, I won't be getting my Vermont station on my shitty radio (can barely get it on my car in the parking lot too...maybe my building is radioactive). And so I'll continue to wake up pissed off and annoyed as PJ Stock whispers absolutely laughable nothing into my ear. Does it wake me up? Sadly not enough to throw my radio, but just enough to anger me with a "what the fuck am I listening to and what the fuck is going on here".

Behold the latest wisdom from the insightful yet vapid mind of PJ Stock:
- The Habs lost their best powerplay point getter in Glen Metropolit.
- The Habs lost their best point getting defenceman in Marc-Andre Bergeron.
- The Habs lost their best checking forward in Dominic Moore.
- The Habs lost their best player in Jaro Halak.
- The Habs suck.
- The Habs don't have a goalie signed.
- The Habs suck so much I gotta remind you every fucking morning.
- I talk in pauses 'cause it makes me look smrt (sic) and shows I know what I'm talking about. I stole this from Obama.
- I just got owned by the traffic lady.
- The Habs suck and will suck forever. Too bad my name is engraved on that Centennial statue, assholes.
- The Habs suck so much they got a second line of Cammalleri-Plekanec-Lapierre.
- The Habs suck because they got Brock Trotter penciled in on their 3rd line.
- This opinion was so important that I had to phone it in.

For one, PJ, I'll be very impressed with Brock Trotter if he could score for the Habs on the 3rd line all the way from Latvia.

---

While I'm on the subject of RADIO PEOPLE WHO ANNOY ME...

Hey Tony Marinaro, why don't you and Jaro get a room already so you could just get this over with? Not only do you temporarily take over the best radio show in the city (Melnick's on vacation), but I don't think a day has passed where you haven't gushed in a romantic fantasy trance via a selective memory of events about the former Habs goalie. Every day it's the same damn thing! GET. OVER. IT. You're making me hate Jaro by constantly shoving this down my earlobes.

Here. Use this song and head over to the Queen E. I'm sure Gino would approve. Don't forget to bring Alan Walsh with you.

Alcan sales projected to be high by the end of the week

And just like that, the problem returns. It seems no amount of magic could possibly dispel the stupidity of this team's fanbase or the media consortium that surrounds it.

If it's one thing Quebec is good at it's ye olde propaganda. One just has to go to school here to be subjected to it. Take a history course in high school for example, and if your teacher is using the government provided textbook then you're better off heading to the library to do your own research. (My teacher made his own book so we could learn the truth). It's gotten to the point where final exams for Chemistry deal with a question on Hydro Quebec. Think I'm paranoid enough? It's laughable the amount of bullshit we deal with. And the motto "je me souviens" should be turned into "I remember...only when it's convenient". After all, if we're not going to be provided with the truth, then we may as well be provided with nonsense considered to be the truth. The conspiracies are out in full force! Something I think even the likes of agent Mulder wouldn't miss out on. (Minus the alien abductions though I'm convinced Gilles Duceppe is a laser-eye-shooting alien with hypnotic capabilities. Yea, don't look too closely at those campaign posters).

This long, drawn out introduction aside...it's been what, over 3 weeks since Jaro got traded for Eller and Schultz to the Blues? I swear, if I hear one more conspiracy, one more convenient selective memory aimed at repressing all the positives while highlighting nothing but the negatives, or one more snide bitter comment directed at Carey Price behind his back but publicly through the media like the cowardly hordes said media are who hide behind their microphones and their text BEFORE the new season begins, I'M GOING TO GO FUCKING INSANE!!! Assuming of course I haven't gone insane already.

Tinfoil tuque, how I've missed you.

Worst. Offseason. Ever.

Ice on a cake: the second slice

A continuation of my nonsense from yesterday. Bear with me, I rarely get to see the Western teams because they're on tv when I'm busy playing video games before bed.

Time to head West!

Anaheim Ducks
Like: Teemu, Parros the Moustache, Bobby Ryan
Dislike: YOU HAS MY SBISA! Ya pack of goons.
I hear there's this new guy on the team. I think his name is something like Saku? Could just be a rumour though.

Calgary Flames
Like: Iginla
Dislike: Phaneuf
Chalk one up for nepotism!

Chicago Blackhawks
Like: VERSTEEEEEEG. And Buff.
Dislike: I find Soupy rather overrated...
Can you say Byfuglien correctly?

Colorado Avalanche
Like: Wolski! (Poland represent!)
Dislike: Darcy Fucking Tucker

Columbus Blue Jackets
Like: Rick Nash, woah.
Dislike: FUCKING UMBERGER!
"Umberger" used to be a playoff curse word.

Dallas Stars
Like: Turco! Morrow!
Dislike: Mickey Fucking Ribs
Ribs wasted like 7 years of our lives...

Detroit Red Wings
Like: Helm
Dislike: Don't get me started...
They should be called the Detroit Red Beards. Yar.

Edmonton Oilers
Like: Sheldon ya big lovely pylon
Dislike: Stortini the reawakened caveman found in an Albertan glacier
Say it with me "PISANI!PISANI!PISANI!"

Los Angeles Kings
Like: Doughty
Dislike: Now that Gauthier is unemployed, I don't really care much to put the hate on anyone else unless Justin Williams accidentally pokes out Saku's eye again.
Brian Burke's face when they picked Schenn #2 was priceless, and I thank you for that.

Minnesota Wild
Like: CLUTTERBUCK! And Mikko.
Dislike: The Boogieman.
I see Owen Nolen is still going.

Nashville Predators
Like: Tootoo and Weber
Dislike: Belak.

Phoenix Coyotes
Like: Doan. Lombardi.
Dislike: BRING BACK THE JETS!

San Jose Sharks
Like: Setoguchi and Pickles
Dislike: Thornton.
Roenick is gone, the air got clearer.

St. Louis Blues
Like: OSHIIIIIE! And Perron.
Dislike: Mason's freaky beard. Scary.

Vancouver Canucks
Like: Schneider!
Dislike: Those freaky twins...

Ice on a cake: the first slice

I like cake. I also like hockey. I don't like Maple Leafs. I do like maple though! And I still hate the Flyers. I don't like flying either. Some time at the begining of last season I listed what I liked and disliked about the other teams. Doing that again would be lame, and my opinions haven't really changed. So this year I'll list WHO I like and dislike on the other teams.

To the East!

Atlanta Thrashers
Like: Kovalchuk!
Dislike: Thorburn, Army
I feel bad for Evander Kane... stuck on a team who's season is determined on whether or not Lehtonen will explode into an injured husk or an All-Star.

Boston Bruins
Like: Blake Wheeler
Dislike: the rest of them
Suck it hated Bear tribe of the East.

Buffalo Sabres
Like: Nathan Gerbe, 5'5" of MEAN
Dislike: I dunno, these guys haven't changed in years...
How many more years will Lindy Ruff cross his arms and bite his lower lip for ya?

Carolina Hurricanes
Like: TOM KOSTOPOULOS!!!
Dislike: Staal, and his freaky eyebrowless face and wonderous diving skills.
It pains me that TK is now a Diver...

Florida Panthers
Like: Michael Frolik. He looks like a big hobbit.
Dislike: I only like to make fun of McCabe. Horton hears a boo.
Keaton Ellerby, you're the only Price Cousin not in the NHL yet!

New Jersey Devils
Like: zzzzzz
Dislike: zzzzzz

New York Islanders
Like: Streit of course! And Okposo.
Dislike: Biiiiirooooooooooon

New York Rangers
Like: No one! (Ok, Higgy!)
Dislike: All of them. (Except Higgy!)
No soup for you.

Ottawa Senators
Like: Sharkko Ruutu, my favourite cannibalistic idiot.
Dislike: Is it too easy to say Heatley and his 10million paycheck to whine? Chris Neil is also a toothless bastiche.
I don't recognize Kovy as a Senator. I don't!

Philadelphia Flyers
Like: YOU FUCKERS TRADED THE ONLY PLAYER I ACTUALLY LIKED! May Luca Sbisa haunt your very soul.
Dislike: All of them, now that YOU TRADED THE ONLY PLAYER I ACTUALLY LIKED!

Pittsburgh Penguins
Like: Mmmalkin
Dislike: Meh.

Tampa Bay Lightning
Like: Mini Marty!
Dislike: Phat contracts, fighting owners, and fired mascots OH MY!

Toronto Maple Leafs
Like: Haha, yea right.
Dislike: See above.

Washington Capitals
Like: ...I actually don't really like Ovechkin.
Dislike: I'm rather neutral on the Caps.

There's my useless waste of space for the East! Tune in next time as I dive into the dull waters of the Western Conference.

Oh hey Thursday

I'm so bored that I'm actually searching for funny Green Lantern pictures and found myself a page devoted entirely to Hal Jordan's head traumas. Fascinating stuff.

Oh and the new boys checked out the practice center and got their new sweaters. Hal Gill came last week, just to make sure he arrived on time for training camp. Golden comment via Gomez, "I love this jersey." So do I, mister. So do I...

Calamari dropped a Slapshot joke. For that, he gets the C in my book!