Finally time for my 3rd round playoff preview

Well whatever. I pray this round has more goals but somehow I don't think so. At least LA realized the real Brian Elliott was in nets.

IN THE EAST!
New York Rangers (1) VS. New Jersey Devils (6)
So basically the players could walk to each other's arena right?  And if Stu Bickel takes the opening faceoff Monday night, I'll lol. Either way, I fear even less goals will be scored in this one. Will there be more goals or more fights? You decide!

IN THE WEST!
Phoenix Coyotes (3) VS. Los Angeles Kings (8)
If the Coyotes win the cup I'll buy a #24 Kyle Chipchura jersey. But really, could people stop comparing the Kings to last year's Bruins? For one: THEY AREN'T DIRTY DOUCHBAGS.

Between Torts and Sutter, you might get a whole sentence going for a press conference.

Never fear, for my 2nd round playoff preview is here!

Now that you've all thrown your brackets out and basically lost in your playoff pools, it's time for my half-assed preview of the second round! Are you even awake? Yea me neither.

IN THE EAST!
New York Rangers (1) VS. Washington Capitals (7)
Where have I seen this before? Oh right. EVERY YEAR! But now the Caps play like the Rangers play and no one can score/hit the broadside of a barn. So...Caps in 7. Now excuse me while I go marry Joel Ward for knocking the Bruins out.

Philadelphia Flyers (5) VS. New Jersey Devils (6).
Lucky for the Flyers, Fleury went back to sucking and the Penguins lost their fucking minds. Incredible because I never thought it capable to suck more than Bryzgalov in the playoffs. But the Flyers seem to be the only fucking team in the post-season capable of scoring goals and not putting me in a coma so...I begrudgingly thank them.

Wait, Rangers and Capitals and Flyers and Devils? Patrick Division, RISE FROM YOUR GRAVE!

The Official Distract Marty Brodeur Pizza now on sale in Philadelphia.

IN THE WEST!
St. Louis Blues (2) VS. Los Angeles Kings (8)
Lord help us because these teams will score negative goals. And don't be surprised when you find yourself out cold on the sofa during the 5th quadruple overtime game tied at 0-0, waking up at 5am only to realize you didn't miss anything. Maybe someone will score before breakfast if we're lucky.

Phoenix Coyotes (3) VS. Nashville Predators (4)
Seriously. These guys might finish their games before the other match up does. Maybe. Wake me up when it's over. I predict the Western Conference will do wonders for my insomnia.

"Top 10 Ways" is sad Habs are out but happy with the draft pick

Usually around this time I'd post a Top 10 Ways the Habs could win a series. Now that they're out, there isn't anything I can top 10 about... Top 10 Ways Gary Bettman Can Screw the Habs of a High Pick? Top 10 Ways Brian Burke Will Make It All About Him? I'm just not all that in to it. Like Erik Cole, I'm sad there are no playoffs.

So I guess I'll look at the actual first round match ups and give my opinions. Hey, NHLN has to fill 3 days of that shit. I got nothing else to do until the draft lottery tomorrow. Also I'm keeping them short because other than the Blackhawks I really couldn't give a crap about any series.

IN THE EAST!
New York Rangers (1) VS. Ottawa Senators (8)
Ottawa will find out if Craig Anderson is really just a Patrick Lalime Redux. And maybe Henrik Lundqvist will get some support to win a series? Senators are boring. Rangers block shots to death. I might sleep through this one until Ryan Callahan gets bored and runs someone under the tag "leadership". Taking the term #ShitDenisPotvinSays to epic levels.

Boston Bruins (2) VS. Washington Capitals (7)
I will be very disappointed in Caps fans if those cutout Obama facemasks on sticks things Vancouver fans carry around don't show up. This is also where I wished Jason Chimera really was a fire-breathing lion-goat-snake thing. Watch out for Andrew Ference's wardrobe malfunctions.

Florida Panthers (3) VS. New Jersey Devils (6)
Dull. Boring. Don't give a fuck. Also will this even be on TV when it goes to Florida? And will they have upgraded their cameras from "some dude in the 10th row with an iPhone" to an actual TV camera or two? Crazy prediction: some way some how they'll manage to take each game to a shootout even though there are no shootouts in the playoffs. THEY'LL FIND A WAY!

Pittsburgh Penguins (4) VS. Philadelphia Flyers (5)
Hopefully they'll destroy each other.

IN THE WEST!
Vancouver Canucks (1) VS. Los Angeles Kings (8)
Maybe the Kings will score some goals so they won't get shutout/swept in 4?

St. Louis Blues (2) VS. San Jose Sharks (7)
Ken Hitchcock's hermetic hockey up against Antti Niemi? Haha good luck with that, Sharks. Guessing Joe Thornton concussing David Perron will be the only storyline in this one. Yawn.

Phoenix Coyotes (3) VS. Chicago Blackhawks (6)
THROW THE SNAKE! Hawks in 6. They don't have Chris Campoli fucking up anymore.

Nashville Predators (4) VS. Detroit Red Wings (5)
Mustard vs Ketchup. Turn down the brightness on your TV. Preds are bringing SUNSHINE. Please return Andrei once you're done with him, thanks.

Thirty teams in thirty words or less

Most people have a good chunk of their summer to do this. I've got what, 2 days? Better blurb!

Anaheim Ducks: Have Hiller, will travel!
Boston Bruins: Same old skating troglodytes, only with more bling and Benoit Pouliot to kill momentum.
Buffalo Sabres: Now with shiny new toys! Some for TEN years!
Calgary Flames: We have a plan! We swear we do!
Carolina Hurricanes: Really hoping that Dalpe kid can spontaneously replace Erik Cole.
Chicago Blackhawks: First line is awesome! Second line is pretty good! Third line is ...who? Fourth line is ...really?
Colorado Avalanche: Stop calling us, St. Louis.
Columbus Blue Jackets: Really gotta do something in the playoffs. Assuming Wiz isn't suspended again.
Dallas Stars: Mike Ribeiro is our number 1 center?
Detroit Red Wings: By the death stare of Mike Babcock, save us Darren Helm!
Edmonton Oilers: Don't touch our kids. Or our cheerleaders.
Florida Panthers: Hodge-podge salary dump!
Los Angeles Kings: All that money better not go to twinkies, Drew.
Minnesota Wild: The new San Jose Sharks!
Montreal Canadiens: Haters gonna hate. And Hal Gill's on twitter! What a troll.
Nashville Predators: Ready to burn your eyes out with that new third jersey.
New Jersey Devils: Can't get more boring than Pete DeBored. Perfect fit!
New York Islanders: Moar draft picks!
New York Rangers: Now with another shiny new toy.
Ottawa Senators: Who?
Philadelphia Flyers: Totally pissed off all of Pittsburgh this summer.
Pittsburgh Penguins: Have Malkin, need Crosby, I don't know about James Neal.
Phoenix Coyotes: Don't move us to Quebec City please.
San Jose Sharks: The new Minnesota Wild!
St. Louis Blues: Totally not promising your money back this year.
Tampa Bay Lightning: Weenies.
Toronto Maple Leafs: Traded for David Steckel because we forgot we waived Zigomanis.
Vancouver Canucks: Still hated by everyone.
Washington Capitals: Ever hear of the Roman Hamrlik hat trick?
Winnipeg Jets: (Relocated Atlanta Thrashers) So this is what it's like to have a home arena full of interested fans! And they're OURS?!

Top 10 ways Habs can win Round 1

10. Sign Stan Chion to a try out. Re-introduce him to Chara. I hear they've had a falling out and Stan is eager to get reacquainted if you know what I mean.

9. Yes boys! That is indeed Tomas Kaberle. Andrei Kostitsyn's favourite pylon.

8. Repeat after me: The penalty box is an evil place. Life is better skating freely.

7. Remove Pouliot's brain and replace it with the fully cloned brain of Max Pacioretty Dr. Mulder was growing since he went down. Considering how quickly he recovers and how pain resistant he is, the brain should be fully functional within the hour. Finally, Pouliot will be a competent hockey player and not the laziest first rounder in his draft class.

6. It's Happy Ryder Hour at all Montreal pubs!

5. Have Alex Auld wear his mask the whole time to forever have the Eye of Dryden on Boston's soul.

4. When the going in Boston gets tough, distract them with a "OMG THERE'S A YANKEES FAN OVER THERE!" Sit back as the chaos ensues, and return to the hockey game.

3. That Bruins Bear would make a mighty fine trophy for Carey Price's hunting collection.

2. Ryan White is a BAD ASS MOTHER FUCKER! Cry "Havoc!" and let slip the dogs of war!

1. Have Lars Eller invoke the power of Tore Vikingstad, Norse God of Hockey. The Great Dane will write his own chapter in hockey history.

Jacques Martin's notebook: A day in practice

After last night's snowed-in lackluster affair, the Habs practiced in the rat-infested confines of the Nassau Memorial Coliseum before an afternoon charter out to Washington DC. "I really don't want HBO to capture my squinting, constipated face with another shitty performance by you guys!" He bellowed. "Time for practice."

Item 1. The barn


Flown in special delivery, two rink-wide barns were placed at either end and players were instructed to simply "hit it with hockey pucks" without any goalie in front. Baby steps, here.

Exercise 1.2 involved "hitting the broadside of a barn with hockey pucks while in movement". Players were instructed while going end-to-end to carry the puck into the zone and shoot at the barn, then repeat the other way. This was slightly more advanced.

Item 2. Skating


A lot of falling down occurred last night. Perhaps the turkey residue of Christmas dinner went to their knees? Or perhaps new skates were in order. Special delivery, 23 pairs of brand new figure skates were delivered with the barn to the rink and players were instructed to put them on. Once that was done, the instruction was "to skate around the rink, first in a forward motion, then in a backwards motion, then in a large figure-eight (forward/backward)". This seemed pretty easy, though Benoit Pouliot kept getting the toe pick caught on the faceoff dot (all of them) and was seen repeating these exercises on his own later.

Item 3. A new challenger!


Price was last seen doing some Zen stuff in a quiet room with Alex Auld and Pierre Groulx after the skating drills (he's been overused anyway) so the boss flew in, special delivery with with barn and skates, a new friend! Players were simply instructed to "hit the holes, not the goalie, with pucks". Similarly a more advanced exercise involved skating in the zone, 3-on-1 to pass or shoot at the holes around the lone defender.

Exercise 3.2 involved shooting at the goalie then hitting the rebound it gave into the holes. They weren't allowed lunch until at least 55% successful. Needless to say, lunch was a little late...

Item 4. The Walkman


After the stretching exercises and a late lunch, players were each handed out their airplane entertainment. Special delivery from 1979 (because Coach Martin is old school) were these Walkmans, each with the same tape inside. On the tape was a recording of Jacques Martin explaining the System, the Keys to Victory, and what they have to look forward too against the Capitals. No worries if the players fall asleep as the tape had the same information on either side and the Walkman automatically changed sides. Players would learn this information via osmosis so when they wake up in Washington DC they would know everything and anything Coach Martin has tried to instruct them and what the game plan is against the Capitals Tuesday night.

Item 5. Stay healthy


Rumour has it the flu is going around the room, getting Alex Auld and Alex Picard after the Colorado game and last affected Travis Moen so badly that he missed the game against the Islanders (and since he didn't even miss a game when he got a skate to the face, that must have been one hell of a flu). So each player was given a gift basket containing a bottle of Purell hand sanitizer, Tylenol Cold and Flu, and various Fishermen's Friend pouches.

Conclusion:
No idea if these practice tactics will have any effect on the club but "it was worth a try," said assistant almost-coach Kirk Muller.

Top 10 ways Habs can win Round 2

10. Recreate the Titty-Pleks line. "You bench my little brother for no good reason, my mind goes blank." Is Jacques Martin an only child? Because he sure as hell doesn't understand the connection between siblings. Bet he'd split up the Sedins if he had them.

9. Carey and Jaro switch jerseys and spend the entire series living with their masks on to conceal their plan. Makes eating difficult and looks weird in the shower, but the rest of the guys have already come to the conclusion that goalies are a little bit crazy. The plan could fall through when someone asks "Jaro" how he grew 5 extra inches and looks incredibly buff. Carey will practice his best Slovakian accent to reply "Chlots o' chokolet michlk". Jaro needs to start liking country music fast.

8. Andrei Markov, all-star defenceman. A man barely held together. Gentlemen, we can rebuild him. We have the technology. We have the capability to build the world's first bionic man. Andrei Markov will be that man. Better than he was before. Better, stronger, faster. He is the 5.75-million dollar man!

7. Put Bergeron in a box, wrap it up pretty with nice paper and a golden bow, and leave him by Dan Bylsma's office with a lovely card that reads "It's tradition to give the opposing coach a gift". Trojan horse, set!

6. Lure Fleury into playing the puck. Guaranteed at least 3 goals!

5. Give Subban the puck. No really, just give him the puck! And follow him.

4. Kirk Muller becomes the first player-coach in a long time. Taking over the team on the ice was only HALF his plan, now it's time to take over the bench. Martin will just do the press conferences to please RDS, CKAC, LaPresse, and Le Journal de Montreal. Ultimate puppetmaster and politically correct by Quebec standards.

3. Constantly comment on Crosby's big ass. Follow him around on the ice whilst whistling. Get Lapierre to do it.

2. Set the Saskatcheplow (Travis Moen) to destroy and aim him right for Matt Cooke. Might not be instrumental in winning a game but it'll make everyone feel better.

1. Hal Gill reveals he's not a Pretender battleship but the Green Lantern! Nothing in the rulebook against power rings. Pretty sure he's got enough willpower to build a couple of green walls. Shot blocking taken to a whole new level!

Bonus (because it's the Pens): Pens wear black. Hypnotize the Habs to believe they're playing the Bruins. Habs in 7.

Top 10 ways Habs can win Round 1

10. Habs, desperate, hand over Andrei Kostitsyn to the care of both Jaroslav Halak and Carey Price and charge them with the task of waking him up. Halak (the ninja) slips dosages of chocolate milk into his water bottle, Carey (the wizard) casts an angry spell that awakens him via humming a Garth Brooks tune. This strange forumla somehow sends the big Belarusian into a sugar-induce rage and he will be quoted while effortlessly scoring his 4th goal in a minute as yelling "ZEH THUNDAR HROLLS!"

9. Glen Metropolit is discovered to be "not of this Earth", said he wasn't surprised considering he doesn't really know who is father is, and returns to the lineup perfectly healthy, ready to score 10 more powerplay goals while no one was looking. Feels a little queasy when close to a green rock, though...

8. Ryan O'Byrne will accidentally on purpose destroy Marc-Andre Bergeron in practice while demonstrating how to hit and/or contain the Capitals forwards--who would have destroyed him anyway--thus solidifying his own roster spot.

7. Bruce Boudreau will look at the Habs lineup, flashback to the 2007 Calder Cup final and squeal like a little girl. They will later find him curled up in the corner sucking his thumb and mumbling "the Price is right" and "they told me Lapierre was all mouth and no hands" and "we were the best, number 1, but the best lost in 5".

6. Sergei Kostitsyn will blackmail Jacques Martin to keep him in the lineup on the 3rd line and to give him powerplay time with photographs he obtained by an unnamed source maybe named "Tony". We have no idea what they are photos of, but rumor has it they're possible proof that Martin does indeed have a proper suit and tie in his wardrobe but only wears it when he's "alone at home where no one can see him". SHOCKING! Surprised Francis Gagnon didn't find out about this rumor first.

5. Habs will discover that Brian Gionta is actually TWO even smaller people that combined themselves like a Power Ranger robot all year. Decided splitting them would add the power of almost 60 goals on the roster and wouldn't be very noticeable anyway as combined he's already below the line of sight of everyone on the ice.

4. Hal Gill will reveal he's actually a Pretender and is indeed a battleship. Once fully transformed, the Capitals discover there's some mysterious force preventing them from crossing the blueline, Gill will roll over and keep them from crossing the red line. (Makes opening faceoff a bit difficult though).

3. Scott Gomez will spend the entire time challenging and distracting Jose Theodore with Yo Mamma jokes, saying "Pleks said you weren't Ryan Miller, don't you want to prove him wrong?"

2. Kirk Muller decides it's as good a time as any to come out of retirement. Says Martin doesn't listen to anything he says anyway, so he may as well play. Also claims captaincy void.

1. Habs will accidentally on purpose send Jacques Martin on the wrong flight (solo) where he will end up somewhere in Europe. As it would be too much trouble to get him back, they'll call up Guy Boucher to fill in.