Habs 6, Stars 4: Let's suck and win like nobody's business!

 Sometimes, licking a pole in -40 weather is what it's like to be a Habs fan.

Hey Team Canada. I hear every one of you droogs selecting it prefer Jamie Benn over Milan Lucic except of course Chiarelli who can go fuck himself if he thinks Lucic is better. That's like saying "I prefer the large slug over the quick sniper on extra-large ice where mobility and skill will be important". Oh wait! That's exactly what he's saying!

And just think, if Kunitz's "mystical" chemistry with Crosby punches him a ticket to Sochi, how about Tyler "Miley Cyrus" Seguin with Benn? Oh right, you don't like him. Never mind. Goals and speed are so overrated on big ice anyway.

- FoxStars used the term "vaselinity". That with Seguin's tongue and I feel like I need to clean my TV screen.
- PK Subban giving Lindy Ruff a refresher course on why he should be on Team Canada. Now I have a four point night. Ho Ho Ho Ho Ho.
- Hey icing. I hate you. Seguin with a completely open Jamie Benn, however, loves you. (Re. I still hate you).
- Pacioretty slipped through the Stars with much vaselinity for a breakaway goal. Still sucks in shootouts though.
- Also what an amazing assist by Subban on that goal. Take notes, other defensemen. This is how you clear the zone instead of getting forever trapped behind your net on the boards--oh what never mind, you'll never learn.
- Our D pairings should just be PK Subban with someone else. He can take it.
- And PK Subban is doing this awesome stuff stuck babysitting Frankie Bubbles, by the way...
- EVERY FUCKING TIME MURRAY AND DIAZ GET ON THE ICE, BAD SHIT HAPPENS.
- That penalty shot was bullshit. Also it's Nichushkin. He would have scored whilst fanning on his shot.
- This game probably would have ended 5-2 or 5-3 (because Seguin-Bomb) if the Habs would have stopped allowing the Stars to enter the zone with IMPUNITY. Also what the hell is with the 50 people in Price's crease. Get the fuck out and do your jobs!
- Speaking of which, there was always someone's butt in Price's face, and not just Garbutt's.
- We had an Erik Cole vs Douglas Murray footrace and it was...even.
- Similarly we had Douglas Murray vs Tyler Seguin footrace/match up and it was omfgwhatareyoudoingontheice horrible.
- All fans who bang on the glass should be using their heads.
- Since causing that (bullshit) penalty shot, Gorges was incredible. Actually it was the first time I felt I saw 2010 Gorges. I hope he stays! I missed 2010 Gorges...
- Remember Patrik Stefan? He who essentially murdered the Stars in the playoffs by walking to an empty Oilers' net and fucked it up and they lost? That's what Desharnais reminded me of on those breakaways. I mean Lehtonen was flat on the fucking ice. LIFT THE PUCK. Also NO TOE DRAG JUST SHOOT.
- I'm still laughing at the Stars who think the puck in Price's crotch a full foot in front of the crease was a goal. Try selling that harder next time, jokes.
- I'm sure Antoine Roussel's visor is on the IR now thanks to Travis Moen's fists. But +1 for playing Guile's Theme you nerds.
- It's been a while because coaching decided the best player to fuck around with to "get other lines going" was Lars Eller but KNEEL BEFORE LARS. That goal? I had Good Kovalev flashbacks.
- Hilarious: people actually think Lehtonen should have had that. Are you kidding me? Do you know hockey?
- Playing with fire: After every Habs goal, staff sent out Murray-Diaz pairing because we obviously think having hair is completely overrated.
- Pacioretty actually scored the empty netter. This is not a drill!

The Stars were apparently red hot and it showed. They just gave up on defense and went balls to the walls all out on offense. Actually their idea of defense was skating into people. Thankfully Habs realized this and decided they could score some goals here, or it would have probably ended poorly in OT. Again.

Still some terribly glaring issues, though. And the coaching staff repeating costly errors...

Habs 2, Bolts 1 (SO): Carey Price

Thank you very much.

You know, I sometimes wish the NHL would adopt IIHF point system so players wouldn't dick around until they get the loser point and then dick around more in OT so they could take turns on the goalie in the crapshoot.

Would it maybe give players and teams more urgency to win in regulation?

(Of course I hate how gold medals can be won in shootouts in the IIHF so fuck that).

There was a whole lot of nothing in this game though. Too afraid to screw up. Not enough to take a chance. Dump. Chase. Snooze button.

Lars Eller is sick in shootouts. Even Ben Bishop being large couldn't save him.

Habs 4, Devils 3 (SO): Try again

This is our backup goalie, guys.

Cory Schneider might have to sacrifice a goat or two to get this New Jersey shootout thing down right.

- Honestly I have no idea how to recap this game.
- I mean, after Gionta's "fuck you Jersey" goal, Habs played like idiots.
- And it was dull. And it was BORING. Coking my pasta was more interesting and exciting.
- Prust uppercut Janssen. And we all nodded in approval.
- And suddenly, the third period was full of goals!
- Obligatory Ryder goal.
- If Ryder played the way he does against the Canadiens when he played for the Canadiens, he might still be one.
- The Devils thought they had this. Lars Eller laughed.
- Then the TSN WORST PLAY IN THE SPORTS UNIVERSE FOR TODAY (really) by PK Subban turning over the puck for Elias to score happened.
- I blamed the ice. Which probably is likely. Guys were falling all over themselves.
- Hey Team Canada, yea PK turned the puck over for that goal, but Therrien put him right back out there because the Habs needed a goal to tie it back up and WOULDN'T YOU KNOW IT like more often than not, they did with his help.
- Remember those long Gionta bombs from the point that never used to work? Well it worked.
- I repeat: IT'S NOT PHYSICALLY POSSIBLE FOR DESHARNAIS TO HIGH STICK A PUCK IN.
- If PK was this excited about tying a December game in New Jersey, imagine if these guys ever win the Cup?
- So why didn't Lars Eller not take more shootouts?
- Desharnais. Shootout. Cory Schneider tears.

Happy Birthday Habs!

Habs have the best record in the East over the last 10 games and are 2nd best in the NHL (Sharks are first). When Therrien said they want to coach the best team in the East, he wasn't kidding eh? Of course it helps he finally started doing things like what we were all screaming about. You know, by playing PK Subban more.

Hey look! Remember the Bruins? Yea those fuckwits are up tomorrow.

Habs 2, Caps 3 (SO): Turkey

Hey Budaj. Stay in your net. You're not Carey Price.

Anyway, other than that, who the fuck puts a FRIDAY game at 5pm where one team is Canadian?! You know we already had our Thanksgiving. So while we're stuck in the Metro, or on a bus, or in traffic, we can't watch the team we cheer for.

Also while we eat. And I was out eating dinner, the game was on the tiny little TVs hanging from the ceiling. I did see this...

KNEEL BEFORE LARS!

I also saw Pleky and Galchy not score, while that little shit Grabovski did what I'm always yelling at guys to do in the shootout (ie. JUST SHOOT). Oh well.

Hey speaking of little shits, it's Leafs tomorrow. Can you see my excitement? It's also Toaster's birthday.

Habs 3, Lumbus 2 (SO): Obviously

Columbus "scores" two garbage goals in the first, one off Gorges' skate and another that shouldn't have counted due to incidental contact. Galchenyuk scores a gorgeous goal to end the first and Eller bangs home a rebound on the powerplay in the second. Both teams dick around for the rest of the game. PK Subban skates circles around everyone in OT only to have Markov turn the puck over. Galchenyuk make a hilarious fuck up in the shootout. Lumbus sends out some guys I have no idea who. (Sure as hell ain't no Rick Nash anymore). Desharnais does the only thing he's really good at now: scores in the shootout.

TAKE THE POINTS AND RUN.

My eyes are still hurting from squinting with how terrible this game was filmed. Shame on you, Lumbus. Get some real cameras.

Habs 4, Islanders 2: Kiss it

Now, can we please stop breaking up this line and leave Parros benched? Thanks. And yes, Denis Coderre, I've been on the "send Desharnais to Hamilton" for months now. No one will pick him up on waivers.

Habs 2, Flames 3: As per usual

It doesn't matter who's on the team, who coaches the team, who the GM is, what the culture is or how much character they get... The Habs enter Calgary and play like wet farts.

- At least we have PK. Beast Mode is always on.
- When he scored his goal he turned to the bench and screamed. If he's not our next captain, this team will forever be stuck on that halfway point.
- He also said they all had a terrible practice the day before and weren't prepared for tonight. Unlike most of the guys though he actually went out there and kicked this game's ass.
- I don't even want to talk about the rest of the defence tonight.
- That wide empty net is a terrible goaltender.
- Seriously. We have Price doing a fucking circus act and Francis Fucking Bubbles still clears the puck to a fucking Flames player while Curtis Glencross is owning the rest of the team.
- OK I'll talk about the defence. In 24CH I remember scaring Toaster as I burst out laughing when JJD singled out Diaz and told him to knock the guy on his ass, to take the body. Clearly you have no idea who you're dealing with here...
- SOFF.
- The fancy stats tell me the Habs were good at holding the puck and did fuck all with it for most of the game...
- Someone find a trunk and lock the Wunder Twins in it.
- If you're wondering who the Wunder Twins are, I'm talking Desharnais and Briere.
- Rene Bourque disappeared somewhere after puck drop. I think he went to have dinner with his family on the concourse.
- Easiest shit JoeyMac ever faced, save for that one Markov sequence.
- Therrien said ice time would be given to those who deserved it. Guess that was only last game. Or he forgot about it.
- LARS ELLER SCORES ALL THE GOALS.

- I didn't want to talk about the defence tonight but they were just so terrible that all they were missing was everything.
- They pulled the goalie with under 2 minutes left while on the PK and Bouillon cleared the puck to a Flames player THREE TIMES.
- Shockingly enough they didn't give up the empty net...but that was mostly because the Flames missed twice.

As they tiptoed through the first period, I said it looked like a terrible preseason game that ended in a 3-1 loss. You may as well play Beaulieu and Pateryn because unlike Diaz and Bouillon we can chalk up their errors to "learning experiences"! Also I'd rather have Tyler Fucking Bozak and David Desharnais. I SAID IT.

Oh yea, Gorges might be injured now.

Habs 4, Flyers 1: Da Da Da

Continue kneeling before Lars. He has like 5 points in 2 games now.

Meanwhile Briere has a shitload of nothing and took two annoyingly stupid penalties tonight. Did I mention Gomez even scored his first (and probably only) goal already? Help us! Save us!

The Flyers are morons at hockey and spend all their time taking stupid penalties. And goaltending is the least of their problems right now. However, if you want Briere back, you can have him.

Tonight's shutout buster was brought to you by Frankie Bubbles being completely useless on the penalty kill, losing the puck and ending up on his belly.

Bournival had the mother of all blocks, just as I was bitching they left that far point man wide open. Merci!

Gorges cleared the puck just as Couturier was coming out of the box and broke the inside glass as the door opened. It must be made of that movie trick glass because I don''t think Gorges can shoot that hard...

Also, PK Subban shot the puck INTO the pocket on the side of the net. That alone should give you 5 points bonus. Skillz.

First win of the season smells good. Going West now.

Tonight's game song.

Habs 3, Leafs 4: Me and hockey are done professionally

I'm sick of seeing Therrien mismanage this bench. I'm sick of seeing Markov vomit all over the ice. I'm sick of seeing Frankie Bou Bou Bambi leg his way to kicking another assist for the visiting team. I'm sick of Diaz shooting at the stars. I'm sick of PK Subban barely getting any penalty kill time. I'm already sick of Danny "Gomez 2.0" Briererererere. Desharnais's preseason was a ruse. Without Price in nets this game is 6-2 in the first half! AND WHAT THE FLYING FUCK IS DESHARNAIS AND PACIORETTY DOING ON THE PENALTY KILL?!

EXPLAIN.

Did I mention it's only game one?

I'm also sick of seeing another player carted off the Bell Centre ice after dropping his blood all over the place. Today's unlucky man was George Parros. He played a pretty good game. He threw his weight around. He nearly scored a goal. He had already punched Colton Orr in the face earlier. Neither of these guys have very good balance though. So naturally when Orr tumbled on himself dragging Parros down with him in their second tussle, Parros landed face first. My initial reaction was "OMG he just broke his neck" considering the force and the way he fell. Either way, face first on the ice is not a fun feeling. I was hit by a large snowball that was basically embedded with ice right in the face when I was 4. I saw it coming at me in slow motion. When I saw what happened to Parros, I saw that ice ball again. Much like when I tripped over a skateboard and fell head first onto the concrete curb. Slow motion and helpless. You can't do anything to avoid it. You just see this hard surface coming at your face. Parros' eyes were vacant and scary. Though he was moving, it still brought me little comfort that he was alright.

Which brings me to another thing. Tinordi and Ashton were having a disagreement in the corner. (Not a wise choice by Ashton, who got destroyed and then yelled at Tinordi for destroying him). This was your typical heat of the moment fight. I have no problem with that. Do your stuff, don't kill each other, and go sit int he box. However, Coach, STOP PLAYING THEIR GAME.

When the Canadiens play their game of speed and skill, they win. Example: Eller's line and their body of work tonight headed by our best player on the ice who ended with 2 goals and an assist. (Lars, who again, had less ice time than Desharnais). When the Habs play their game, whistle to whistle, turn the other cheek, skate and PLAY HOCKEY, they usually win. Usually by a shutout too. When they line up ready for a fight and play right into the other team's game, THEY LOSE.

Also enough with the Frankie Bou Bou. Enough with the Diaz. If a defenseman is going to play like an AHLer, PLAY A FUCKING AHLer.

And KNEEL BEFORE LARS.

Habs 4, Leafs 1: THE BEARDS ARE COMING

Sweet HNIC tears. Your anguish sustains me. Especially after that stomach turning pre-game stuff.

Lars Eller, who LOVES playing against this team proclaimed after the game, "We do not fear anyone." CBC seems to think so! Apparently they've never watched them play the Big Bad Bruins. And now with Eller centering the Gallys, Habs have struck gold.

Jarred Tinordi, your hired. Please stay.

Memo to Carlyle: you're a fucking fuckwit with a shitbag full of goons and sending out Colton Orr with 13 seconds left proves you're a fucktard. And nice of your Captain to crosscheck White from behind while he was busy giving Orr the hairy eyeball after the buzzer. COWARDS. Ditto for your other goon Frazer McLaren, who third manned on Tinordi after taking a boarding call which got him tossed from the game. No one cares for your stupidity. Go to the NAHL if you want to play that shit.

Lars Eller with two assists had more points in the second period than the Leafs had shots on goal.

See you in the playoffs, fuckers.

(Maybe).

(Unless the Bruins put Tuukka Rask's milk crates in nets and throw their

game tomorrow just to have the fun in beating your ass in four).

(Which is entirely possible).