Realined

With the new schedule released once the Sochi thing got cleared up, the NHL announced what they're calling their new clusterfuck of divisions. Sorry guys, no Floreast in sight. My brother also proved that he's too smart for the NHL with his A, B, C, D division names. Instead, the evil geniuses have graced us with these sparkly jewels:

The Atlantic Division
Teams: Boston Bruins, Buffalo Sabres, Detroit Red Wings, Florida Panthers, Montreal Canadians, Ottawa Senators, Tampa Bay Lightning, Toronto Maple Leafs.
If we're in the "Atlantic" division, I demand easy access to a real Atlantic beach that doesn't require 5+ hours in a car.
My pick: This Division

The Metropolitan Division
Teams: New York Rangers, New York/Brooklyn Islanders, New Jersey Devils, Washington Capitals, Pittsburgh Penguins, Philadelphia Flyers, Carolina Hurricanes, Columbus Blue Jackets.
Because when I hear the word "metropolitan" I totally think of the Carolinas, or Columbus, or Pittsburgh.
My pick: That Division.

The Central Division
Teams: Chicago Blackhawks, St. Louis Blues, Nashville Predators, Minnesota Wild, Colorado Avalanche, Dallas Stars, Winnipeg Jets
Fairly bland in the "well you're technically in the middle of the countries" definition.
My pick: The Other Division

The Pacific Division
Teams: Los Angeles Kings, Anaheim Ducks, Phoenix/Arizona/Seattle Coyotes, San Jose Sharks, Vancouver Canucks, Calgary Flames, Edmonton Oilers.
Four out of seven that can actually see or physically touch the Pacific is better than nothing, I guess.
My Pick: The Bob Division.

Now go pat yourselves on the back, kids. Clearly you've strained your brains real hard for these names and the effort absolutely oozes from my screen. I mean, really. No "Joy Division"?

Front seat view of Bettman's Empire

It takes the same amount of time to drive to Myrtle Beach as it does to drive to Sault-Ste-Marie.

I have one more day to fry upon the sandy shores of Myrtle Beach, South Carolina, while the Pens and Wings fight to the not-death for Lord Stanley's glorious silverware. And as I try to reconnect myself with the Northern portion of this hemisphere for some relevant news, I've learned a few things about The South.

For one, apparently there's a lot of Pittsburgh Steelers merchandise around and this is confusing me.

But as I stand just South of 'Canes Country (even though I'm pretty sure South Carolina has way more hurricane activity than North Carolina), I can count on one hand the things I've seen related to hockey. And TV isn't one of them.
- A kid in the lobby was wearing a Crosby shirt.
- A guy seated in the chinese restaurent was wearing a Red Wings jersey (and I think it was his own name too).
- A car had a lame attempt to decal itself with a painted Go Redwings (sic) on it.
- A guy working at some Surf and Board shop in a fancy new marketplace was apparently a Caps fan.
- A car parked at the Cracker Barrel had one of those Hurricanes fan plates on for the front of the car.

When the finals kicked off, Versus was showing rodeo. Television sets were tuned to football or baseball, hell I even saw soccer, while the Pens made a series out of the series. By the time I even find NBC's awful feed the games are already over. (Nevermind it took me the entire week to find a decent radio station). The "sports" section at the local Barnes and Noble doesn't even have The Game let alone anything that related to the legends or history of hockey but there sure was plenty of baseball. I have no idea what the newspapers are like. They're mostly about Obama's day anyway, which is a step up from last year being mostly about Britney Spears I guess.

Bravo, Gary Bettman. You're plan to expose and convert the Southern sun-fried bible-thumping masses was apparently a smash hit!

I'm kind of sad to be leaving on Sunday, as I hear the weather is beyond shit back home and the seperatists are starting up yet again with more stupidity, and Mario Tremblay is rumoured to be coming to the Habs as assistant-coach-gag-me-with-a-spork... but school's out finally around here and the kids have all gone insane. Kids apparently have a curfew too, so they try to go insane just before it's time for bed. So in a way, I'm thankful to be heading home soon before some idiot launches a firecracker from the beach into my room. Also this humidity is ruining my hair.

Failure thy name be ELBOWS

Someone should inform Patrick Eaves that UFC moves are not proper NHL defense. Despite all his flying elbows, and the fact he only managed to connect with Staal for one after-whistle elbow to the face, he gets caught for a tripping penalty.

Here's to you Mr. Stupid NHL Ref That Doesn't Care To Stop Headshots and Elbowing. You're a Real Man of Genius.