Happy Holidays

From Toaster and myself, to you and yours. L'chaim!

Movie Night: Hobbitses

I really don't understand why Peter Jackson insisted on 48 fps.

For one, it didn't really add anything. It did however make me want to vomit during the opening pan over Erebor. But after that, it didn't do anything special, other than make me think I was watching a PS2 chugging on some high definition cut scenes.

Anyway, it's the Hobbit. What can I say? I wish they would release all 3 of them at once and let me live at the theatre. And follow it with the Lord of the Rings trilogy. That's about 18 hours of film in total. I got a strong bladder. Just bring me food and feed my dog.

I loved my friend's boyfriend's review of the film: JUST KILL SOME FUCKING ORCS ALREADY. For me it's FAST FORWARD TO SMAUG PLEASE. Alas we can't have it all. I think I was in elementary school when I last read the book. (It's in my bookcase right here though). I also remember bringing in the animated version to class after we were all done with it. Hilarious that I find Martin Freeman looks exactly like that animated Bilbo. He's also perfect at that "oh my god I'm going to die" face without ever saying anything to us. Tim from the Office. Now a Hobbitses.

Seeing this film was supposed to be part of my family's annual Christmas Day tradition of going out for Chinese food and a movie. Scratch that. My parents decided to go see the fucking Miserables instead (no thanks, I despise musicals on films and saw the stage one already). Considering Pacific Rim appears to be coming out in the Summer, I'm FUCKED for what to do on Christmas Day. I guess it's up to you, Doctor Who...

Yea. I was wondering the same thing...

Waiting....

WELL THIS SUCKS! IT'S DECEMBER AND YOU IDIOTS ARE STILL NOT PLAYING HOCKEY. We're sitting here waiting for you....

Happy Birthday Toaster!

Now we just need hockey to compliment that snazzy sweater.

I went to the Bell Centre and a hockey game broke out

Last night I went to the Bell Centre. For...hockey? I think it was hockey. I mean there's no other reason for Terry Koharski to referee with his eyes closed. Unless he really does enjoy walking around with a blindfold on.

Firstly, memo to fans. The Baton Rouge next to the Bell Centre? While the food is delicious, it's really expensive and the menu is completely different from the usual Baton Rouge. OK mostly I'm still annoyed the Scores on St-Catherine's disappeared!

Anyway, the hockey game. Yup. A bunch of fresh-from-Junior kids vs the Calder champions went how I thought it would. But I can't say the Lightning kids weren't anything special. Mostly just a good system, good practice on that system, and better on-ice organization. I can say that if the Bulldogs could snipe the way Quailer did for his first goal of the season, they'd have made it a game. Dustin Tokarski literally sits on his knees the minute the puck is over his blue line. And when you're not Jason Missiaen size, that's not a good idea for a goalie...

Praise be Robert Mayer and his scrambly scramble. He kept the Dogs in the game until I think he just got tired and overwhelmed. The best players not in pads for the Dogs would be Quailer and Gallagher. Those guys can FLY. But with Blake Geoffrion sent to hospital before the first period I don't think there was much else the team could do. Especially when already down one Louis Leblanc.

The other highlight of the night was Jarred Tinordi pummeling some guy who decided to pick on the most unassuming player in the world in Michael Bournival. Tinordi is a beaaaaaaast.

Boo!

Look out for one mad Chiweenie Hot Dog! Happy Halloween!

Assassin's Goalie

Thanks to this lockout, Carey Price can continue his budding acting career.

The Brooklyn Islanders

Sad. But now you can officially mothball that dump on Long Island as the Islanders take their skates to the new Barclays Center. Pretty sure the tattoo parlor will just move across the street.

Do me a favour? Burn those shit grey-dayglo-orange third jerseys please.

I am however miffed that you announced this NOW instead of negotiating with the NHLPA to actually PLAY in that new rink...

It's finally here! The season starts--OH WAIT!

I could be enjoying my Habs right now.

Instead I'm on the sofa watching Supernatural reruns and HGTV with my snuggle-puppy.

Fuck you NHL. I'm comfy. And I want my boys on my TV. Now.

Hey Switzerland...

...I AM VERY JEALOUS OF YOU! :( :( :(

Can I go spend the lockout in Switzerland?

Movie Night: Dredd

This no-hockey stuff SUCKS and Pleky is overseas dishing sweet Czech Sausage to Jiri Tlusty... So I went to see Dredd 3D in the meantime.

And with this no hockey stuff, it was strange how incredibly EMPTY the movie theatre was on a Saturday night in the middle of the Montreal suburbs... I swear 10 people were watching the film with me and that was it. There were more idiots in the Hurricane arcade machine than watching a film!

So how was Dredd 3D? It was A+ as far as super violent simple story films based on a graphic novel go. (Hey I don't care much for Oscar material. One of my favourite films ever is Cobra, you know). It sticks to it's source material fairly well, complete with keeping the helmet ON and none of this love interest crap Stallone felt he had to do. I'd call it the more practical "realistic" Dredd, like what Batman Begins is to Tim Burton's Batman. It's also one of those rare instances when someone uses 3D properly and for a reason instead of just "hey look bullets flying to your faaaaaaaaaaace". Also Karl Urban knows to keep quiet and snarls better.  But the film was basically the Raid, only dystopian future-y Dredd themed and a hundred times larger.

Of course if you don't like excessive violence, well, you probably shouldn't see it. Though watching someone go splat in super slow mo in 3D from the point of view of the pavement was something I never thought I would see and ended being an interesting new way to fade a scene. Do we call it splat to red?

Lockout Talk: Ovechkin Threats

Leave it to Ovechkin to drop the bomb we've all been waiting for: You don't like it? I go home to play, suckers.

"I said it before, before I sign a contract, if the league decides to cut our salaries and cut our contracts for what they want, I don't know how many guys will be coming back. We signed contracts before so why do they have to cut our salaries and our contracts right now? They signed us, [now they] want to cut it. I think it's a stupid idea and a stupid decision by the NHL, [commissioner Gary] Bettman and the guys who work there."

Meanwhile, TSN roundtable fools laughed at Ovechkin's idle threats. Sorry, guys. But I completely agree with Ovechkin on this. The fact the owners allowed their teams to throw huge money to players with this malicious intent to rollback salaries 24% is complete and utter crap AND WE DON'T HAVE HOCKEY NOW BECAUSE OF STUFF LIKE THIS. How can anyone legally offer contracts knowing full well they don't intent to fulfill them? Especially in the high profiled entertainment business of professional sports.

Owners crying poor 'cause their hobby venture is sucking money? Cry me a fucking river. Maybe you're losing money on your fancy toy 'cause your team is in a shit place? (Don't forget, these owners are billionaires who make their money from other ventures like beer and Comcast. For the most part, these hockey teams are really just one giant penis contest).

Funnily enough, if Ovechkin decides to "fuck you NHL", he will be in violation of his contract and will be sanctioned by the IIHF. No owner will face any sanctions by violating the contract of the players though.

And I don't care how much money Ovechkin makes. You don't pay superstars 500 000 anymore. Maybe the owners need to get out of the 70s when they were allowed to screw their players left, right, and center. And you know which owners I'm talking about...

That's right. Suck it, Ted. We go to watch him, not you or your rich fat friends.

As midnight falls...

The NHL has officially gone into a lockout.

That's why teams signed over 200-million dollars worth of contracts in the past 48 hours under a CBA their owners apparently hate so very much despite fighting so very hard to put it in place 7 years ago. Oh and the president of the Florida Panthers was tweeting about eating frozen yogurt.

Whatever. Go Bulldogs!

Ring a Bell

You may have heard the propaganda notice on air while listening to stations like CHOM or TSN690. There's a cheery, matter-of-factly dude casually explaining how Bell Media is being picked on and the buying of Astral is REALLY for the good of Quebec and how they're committed ever so deeply to the very cultural soul of the province and how they will be creating more original French-language content locally.

What the happy dude fails to mention is that Bell Media is A PACK OF FUCKING ARSEHOLES and are creating this French-language content by REMOVING the English-language content they acquired a year ago, where they even went so far as to boosting the signal to better serve the English community by going to 690.

Let's be clear: the demise of CKAC was a shame, but it speaks volumes when many Francophones prefer listening to CKGM. Maybe it's because they'd rather hear Mitch Melnick instead of what is basically the radio version of L'Antichambre. Maybe it's because the English station isn't so Quebec-centric by finding the happy medium of boosting local sports talent with world talent and not devoting all their time to the David Desharnais Is Better Than Tomas Plekanec shrine. And let's not forget, CKGM is listened to all around the world over the internet. This talk of the station being operated at a loss sounds exactly like Electronic Arts' profit-firing ratio (we only made 5-billion this year instead of 10 so we're firing a thousand of you we'll probably have to rehire in a month). They just ripped the rights to broadcast Habs games from Talk800, and apparently have this goldmine for like SIX years! I seriously doubt the ratings count anyone listening online. They sure have plenty of commercials for a station that supposedly isn't reaching anyone...

"See this book? This is you pissing off an entire community.

By the way I have 9 of these."

And how much more disingenuous can the people from Bell Media be when they claim during the CRTC process how they would love so very much to keep the station English DESPITE NEVER BOTHERING TO ASK FOR AN EXEMPTION FROM THE CRTC OWNERSHIP POLICY, OF WHICH THEY ARE PERFECTLY ALLOWED AND CAPABLE OF DOING?! This reeks of Bell Media not giving two shits of a fuck about the English community of Montreal. I mean hey what's one more shaft to the English community right? And creating more French content while eliminating English content is complete and utter rot. You want to better serve your consumers? CREATE A NEW FRENCH SPORTS STATION AND LEAVE THE ENGLISH ONE ALONE WHICH IS HOW IT SHOULD BE instead of somehow shoving the fragmented carcass onto Talk800 (the boring network that used to have the Habs games, but really is just 24hrs of complaining about something). Frankly there are way too many contradictions in Bell Media's talk about the issue, never mind the fact the company is just eating way too much for anyone's liking... Regardless, the Montreal market is way too different to follow CRTC rules and we only have 2 community focused talk stations which they want to smash into one (the FM stations hardly cover that front and one of them beams in from Burlington, Vermont).

Maybe the station should go back to it's pirate-y radio roots and move to Kahnawake. Oh and play the Bulldogs games again.

Millionaires VS. Billionaires

How I picture most of the owners

So you think there will be a lockout.

And with the horrible PR battle going on, it sounds more and more like there will be one. However, every which way Gary Bettman tries to spin it, his side isn't exactly getting much support like last time.

Last time, the concept of salary caps and such was new. Players gave in to everything the owners wanted. This time it's different. We've seen how the League operated since that lockout. How owners allowed their GM to fork out ridiculous money to many players who didn't deserve it. This isn't the players doing. The League created this environment. The GMs created a crazy market where a player's value has gone off the deep end. And you know what? The players deserve it.

The League has turned a blind eye to all it's warts. The concussions. The dumping of professionals into the minors because their contracts are far too bloated in contrast to their performances. The lack of action on headshots or fighting. And don't get me started on the old boy's club of collusion. The professional hockey player only has this to do: play hockey. His window is, for the most part, extremely small. It can be fantastic and it can be stressful. It can result into incredible highs and create depressing lows. The enforcers are already a dying breed, and many of them are actually dying. Player safety and protection is of little concern to the League they play for. Frankly the players deserve the money they make because there is no League without them. They worked so hard to get to this point, their families sacrificed much, their childhoods were spent for the most part in gyms and on the ice, preparing, striving to be the best of the best...and they shouldn't get paid for it?

I'm not talking Dan Ellis problems. Though with a 24% rollback on salaries, he really won't be able to afford those new rims on his BMW.

Considering how much a fucking BASEBALL player makes for mostly sitting on his rear in the clubhouse, why shouldn't a hockey player make the money he does? This isn't the pond down the street. This is the professional league, and the entertainment business. The hits are as brutal as football, at double the speed. They're running around a slippery enclosed area with nothing but a small door to escape from with razorblades strapped to their feet and blocks of plastic covering their shoulders and elbows, blocking a little round piece of  frozen rubber that reaches the same velocity as a rifle, while getting hacked and poked at with sticks. The players get popular with fans and make a shitload of cash for the League from a marketing standpoint in merchandising sales (I mean 30 fucking bucks for a t-shirt!)... Add in overpriced beer and overpriced food from an average set of about 18-thousand people for 82 games per team?

It's not the players fault half the franchises are floundering. It's not the players fault great teams like Chicago and Washington can't crack any profits. It's not the players fault the Floridas, the Phoenixes, and their ilk have to gussy up the deals to get butts in the seats, adding in extras like free gas on top of the four pizzas and four drinks. Is it the players faults teams give tickets away for free?

The bottom line is, Gary: YOUR GRAND PLAN HAS FAILED. And now we're going to lose out on our favourite game because you're a pig-headed fuckface and your greedy rich friends have failed their teams by mismanaging them. They whine about uber-contracts WHILE GIVING THEM OUT THEMSELVES (looking at you Minnesota and Philly). The contradictions are above and beyond and you're not winning this. And hey the players have been very reasonable in their measured response to your ridiculous proposals, but it's YOU who said there will be a lockout while the players were more than happy to continue under the old deal until the new one gets done.

Of course, only the NHL can somehow manage to still get their money from NBC despite not having any hockey to show for it. Talk about sneaky. Mind you, NBC probably would show the games on delay anyway. What's a missing year for them?

How about this proposal: NO ONE GETS PAID UNTIL THE DEAL GETS DONE. That includes your 8-million dollar salary, Troll Gary.

Awake from your slumber!

Surprise announcement! Habs extend Max Pacioretty's contract a year early to SIX YEARS in the middle of the night in August. For dirt cheap too. That got the Blackberries scrambling eh?

Cue mandatory FUCK YOU CHARA. There, done.

Cue mandatory photo of Toaster, back from the vet and sporting his new Old Navy sweater (says "Little Rebel" on it).

Now back to...well what the fuck I'm not doing anything right now except yelling curse words at Gary Bettman and his pack of annoying idiot owners. Seriously dudes, if you guys lock out again you're fuckwits. Take that 8-million dollar salary and shove it up your ass. I can't live off random Canada-Russia Summit Series all year...

Movie Night: RISE

The Dark Knight Rises is perfection.

You could call it a training film in "how to properly end a trilogy franchise". And all my theories were correct on who the new characters represented, so that had me high fiving myself as I was trying to un-numb my butt from the IMAX seats. (Dad got the tickets and stupidly picked 3rd row from the front when he thought he was picking in the middle, so I could see up Bruce's nose).

I'm not going to sit here and spoil the film though. If I could spend my every waking day watching it, I would. The one thing that hits you--that probably is the cause for it's general criticism--is it's unsettling intensity. Like someone in your face for 3 hours. It will be tough for any future versions of Batman to match such mastery. Hell even the new Superman feels like a farce. (Then again I was never much a Superman fan).

I'm curious how many steaks Tom Hardy had to eat for this film...

ATTENTION EVERYONE! You're simply Diazling

Two years, 2-point-something million. Celebrate this Diazling signing with a giant pineapple. For sure, ya! Though he's currently busy doing his mandatory military "training" (ie. using fancy facilities in the Swiss Alps), party in the Zug!

Still plenty of cash for PK left! (And BamBam).

We just don't matter...

In 2012, we just don't matter.

Never mind TSN/Team990 is listened to around the world. And not just by expats.

Yes that's right. The all day yell-fest will be back from CKAC to TSN990, soon to be RDS690. Where all Russians are lazy, all Anglo players could be replaced by Mathieu Darche, and François Gagnon will never be challenged again.

WHY THE FUCK CAN'T THERE BE BOTH?!

CKAC became a traffic station for some reason. And we'll be forced back to dull CJAD.

Just think, instead of yelling at Pierre McGuire's stupidity, you can now yell at Benoit Brunet's Barney Rubble laugh all day long. And stupidity.

So long objectivity. Good bye covering ALL community events.

After all, what's another English radio station when there's only about 4 of them...

Note: send your CRTC complaints here (using option 1 for 2012-0573-2) and sign the petition here and here. I already sent 3.

ATTENTION EVERYONE! part you got Larsed

To år mere!

Something definitely isn't rotten in the state of Denmark

There was a bit of nervous hand wringing going on concerning the remaining cap the Canadiens have to sign a few more players, most notably PK and Eller. Well, voila. The level-headed Mr. Reasonable Dane signed for two more years at 2.65 million dollars. Total. Basically he gets a very modest raise from his entry level contract and leaves behind a flock of shocked fans wondering how shitty his agent is.

But Eller is succinct. According to his (translated) words to some Danish sports paper, he's more relieved to get the two years and the contract done quickly.

He was worried the contract talks would drag on, that he'd be without one a week before camp begins. THIS was bothering him. And boom! Barely out of the UFA frenzy distraction, he's got his new deal done. To him, he calls it fair because he understands he's still developing. In those two years he expects to reach some potential and prove what he's worth and what roll he can fill on the team.

Also he and his wife are expecting a mini-Eller (or mini-Ellerina) soon.


More importantly now I can officially buy his shirt number easily right?

Now...GET PK DONE!

ATTENTION EVERYONE part 2!

CAREY PRICE FOREVER! Well, OK, six more years. But in hockey terms that's forever. Proceed to triple low five the person next to you. Hey pro goalie dudes, explain to us what Carey Price is please.

Price is one of the best damn goalies in the universe. You guys want me to explain the "CP31 Speed Bubble" I always talk about? I'm bored. The CP31 Speed Bubble is a trait that only he displays. It's a mental awareness in which he moves at his own speed and his own pace regardless of the speed or the pace of the play around him. Regardless of what happens around him, he always moves and flows at HIS pace. So there you go. Price lives in a speed bubble, and this is why he looks so even-keeled, moves so effortlessly. He's almost always unfazed.

Fans often get disgruntled because he'll look passive or "lazy" at times, but that comes with the territory of the CP31 Speed Bubble. Deal. Price reads and processes plays with calm precision, moves similarly. So positionally structured & economical, he could play until he's 45. -- Justin Goldman (the Goalie Guild)

Translation: Price is the goalie equivalent of the Matrix, and WE GOT HIM! So fuck off the reservation, McGuire.

What else did GMMB get us? Some familiar faces and some better bottom-six rugged dudes to make life a little more comfy for the top-six guys.

Who's back?
- Travis TOUCHDOWN Moen for four more years!
- Alexei Emelin for two more years! BOOM!
- Brendon Nash for another year! Now don't get destroyed in fucking training camp again please.
- Petteri Nokelainen for another year! But there's a big chance he gets waived early. Again.
- Michael Blunden is back even though he didn't get the qualifying offer.
- Cedric the Entertainer Desjardins is back for Hamilton after, well, realizing our other goalies still kind of suck.
- FrankieBou is back! Proving that he does indeed have a life clause that stipulates he can only play with either the Habs or the Preds.

Who's new?
- Brandon Prust for four years! Will help block the shots with Gorges.
- Colby "Closet Habs Fan" Armstrong for a year! And he's still getting paid by the Leafs so BONUS!

You can stop dreaming about Jagr. Either he signs for a reasonable price already or he stops using Montreal as leverage for other deals. Anyway, the dude is 40. I doubt he wants to really play for this team...

ATTENTION EVERYONE!

I have an important announcement to make!

Ryan White has re-signed for another year. Hopefully it won't start with a sports hernia nor end with a concussion so that he can re-sign again for more years after this one.

BAMF!

Drafting Class of 2012 (or Give Timmins a Big Ass Raise NOW)

Christmas in June is now over. And as we wait for Boxing Day in July, we can find out a bit more about this interesting batch of youngsters the Habs drafted. For one, the theme appears to be International Men of Not-So-Mystery. Sort of.

Alex Galchenyuk C - Sarnia Sting
(1st round, 3rd overall)
Suddenly being 15th in the East feels so good right now. Just don't make a habit of it, regardless of how wonderful these young players are. He's American. And Belarusian. And grew up playing in Germany, Italy, Switzerland. Then back to the USA. Then to Canada. Dude's passport must be crazy.
- Falls on the proverbial line between "small forward" and "big center" but still has room to fill out.
- Would have been first overall if preseason didn't kill his year.
- Skill of a Russian, grit of an American, hair like his father.
- We've succeeded in cloning Erik Cole!
- Hilarious dude.
- Already chirping Malcolm Subban on Twitter.
- Speaks Italian, Russian, and English. Forgot his French.
- The Leafs didn't get him.
- Favourite player is Malkin


On a scale of 1-to-5 Floating Creepy Pierre McGuire Heads (on my McGuire Drool Factor scale), I give him a 4.



Sebastian Collberg RW - Frolunda
(2nd round, 33rd overall)
People remember Friberg's shootout goal on the U-20 Swiss junior team for his Tiger Williams-like celebration, but it was Collberg's that was technically the winner! Good times.
- Probably drafted because Habs suck so much at shootouts. This is his bread and butter.
- Smallish but probably still growing. I think he was on of the youngest kids at the WJC.
- He couldn't take the men's league in Sweden but it was only his first go at it. As Therrien loves to say MEN AGAINST BOYS.
- He kind of looks like Erik Karlsson.
- Plays with Lars Eller's brother Mads.
- Timmins says his build reminds him of when he drafted Alfredsson.
- If he turns out to be half as good as Alfredsson I'll be happy enough!
- Favourite player is Ovechkin.

On a scale of 1-to-5 Floating Creepy Pierre McGuire Heads (on my McGuire Drool Factor scale), I give him a 3.



Dalton Thrower D - Saskatoon Blades
(2nd round, 51st overall)
Cancer has pushed this kid beyond his limits. His mother is a survivor. His father is undergoing treatement for stomach cancer. And while he worried about them and pondered returning home to be there, they told him to go play hockey.  And when he was 6, they all survived a terrible car accident that ejected everyone from the vehicle except him. Definite proof that whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger.
- He's kind of like Bouillon. A smaller D but built like a tank.
- And he can THROW 'em.
- Seriously. NHL headlines will love this guy.
- After he didn't get an invite to the Top Prospects thing despite his 18 point in 30 games, he went on a tear, forcing them to invite him on injury replacement.
- How? With 11 points in 4 games.
- Eventually ended 8th in scoring, with 18 goals in his 54 points.
- Seems to have mastered the back-door goal goaltenders hate.
- Even pulled off the same move that Mario Lemieux now has bronzed outside the arena.
- Darren Dietz already told him everything about the team.
- Bruins fans wanted him.
- Favourite player is Bieksa.

On a scale of 1-to-5 Floating Creepy Pierre McGuire Heads (on my McGuire Drool Factor scale), I give him a 3.



Tim Bozon LW - Kamloops Blazers
(3rd round, 64th overall)
He has three passports! Technically he's French (from France) but was born in St. Louis while his father was playing for the Blues but was raised in Switzerland while his father played there. He plays for the French National Team in tournaments.
- Went to the WHL because he wanted to challenge himself with the tougher Western hockey style.
- His father always wanted to play for the Habs. Now he'll have to live through his son's chances.
- PUCK ON A STRING
- Only real alarming thing is I find he looks a bit like Mickey Ribs. Thankfully doesn't seem to be a similar greasy slime...

On a scale of 1-to-5 Floating Creepy Pierre McGuire Heads (on my McGuire Drool Factor scale), I give him a 4. Hey he's tall for a Frenchman!



Brady Vail C - Windsor Spitfires
(4th round, 94th overall)
Born in North Carolina, raised in Palm City, Florida...somewhere Gary Bettman high-fived himself.
- Defensive specialist who takes great pride in the defensive side.
- So defensive he even played defence for the Spitfires when they needed help.
- Is a self-starter in the sense he realized actual hockey wasn't going to be easy and will work on his offensive game.
- His love of hockey came from his uncle giving him a hockey stick one Christmas.
- Serious maturity in his voice.
- They say he's like Ryan Kesler, just less of an asshole.

On a scale of 1-to-5 Floating Creepy Pierre McGuire Heads (on my McGuire Drool Factor scale), I give him a 3.



Charles Hudon LW - Chicoutimi Sagueneens
(5th round, 122nd overall)
When his name was called his group was right near the TSN990 guys so you could hear their happy cheers. By the way, happy birthday! Probably the nicest present a young Habs fan could get eh?
- Though honestly we already have Gallagher, except he's on the other wing.
- Scores at will.
- Sadly his claim to fame is being knocked out from behind by Jonathan Huberdeau (who got suspended for it).

On a scale of 1-to-5 Floating Creepy Pierre McGuire Heads (on my McGuire Drool Factor scale), I give him a 2.



Erik Nystrom LW - Modo Jr.
(6th round, 154th overall)
They released Westin and drafted his teammate. Ok!
- Apparently he's supposedly better than Westin. And didn't get trolled by the killer goalie on the bench.
- Got called up to the Big Modo club when Timmins was out there scouting. They even drove him there!
- That's all I know about him.

On a scale of 1-to-5 Floating Creepy Pierre McGuire Heads (on my McGuire Drool Factor scale), I give him a 2.

NUMBER THREE

Thank you, Edmonton. Thank you, Columbus. I white knuckled those first two picks, desperately hoping you wouldn't take him. Edmonton goes with Yakupov. Columbus takes Murray. HARK the angels sing, I GOT MY GALCHENYUK!

Bonus: His number his totally available. Get ready to re-customize those Tom Pyatt jerseys. What?

Brian Gionta and Brendan Gallagher can be his Yakupov. Also he can easily go to the wing if needed. Basically, he's got the net drive of Erik Cole so we've checked off the "clone Erik Cole" box. Add in a bit of Pacioretty and voila!

Stop saying he's Russian please. His father is BELARUSIAN. You know. Like Gretzky.

Meanwhile...Malcolm Subban is a fucking Bruin. Jay Feaster is still a fucking moron. Stefan MATTEAU!MATTEAU!MATTEAU! is a Devil. Trololololol...

I'm so sorry, Malcolm...

A Winner is You!

Thank god. Now we won't have to see that shaved ape raise the Cup every opening intro anymore. Congrats, LA. May your bandwagon remain full for a few more weeks.

Hello, you look strangely familiar

Where have I seen this face before...

AH HA!

I sure hope you know what you're doing, Bergevin. Otherwise, we'll be seriously dipping into the wine big time.

I was listening to the press conference and I just hope all his ideas weren't just the old lipstick-on-a-pig trick like Jacques Martin did when he promised us puck possession. At least Therrien's seemed more plausible.

Concerning the team, my intention is to bring back the intensity, the pride and the discipline. Concerning our fans, I want to make sure that every time they come to the Bell Centre, they’ll be able to cheer for a team that’s working their hardest.

We'll see. If not, hey his contract lasts 3 years which is around the time Guy Boucher's is up in Tampa... And on the bright side, if next year's results end up similar to this year's? There's a kid named Nathan MacKinnon entering the draft!

We have a winner!

HONK HONK HONNNNNNNK!

No that's not the Nashville Predators. Congrats to the Shawinigan Cataractes (NOT AN EYE DISEASE, did you sleep in geography?) on winning the Memorial Cup last night against my London Knights. Yea, *my* London Knights. Once upon a time I almost moved to London for a job. Glad I didn't actually because a few months later, the place went semi-bust. But that wasn't why I cheered for the Knights. They were my OHL team. I caught on to them because I thought their uniforms were spiffy. And green, my favourite colour.

But I digress. The Cataractes deserved this. A 2-1 OT victory after the Knights decided the Hunter Lock Down Defensive System 2.0 was the way to go, essentially killing most of their offense and basically depending on Austin Watson and the Rupert Twins or hoping Tinordi-Harrington can lock it down. Eventually it looked like fatigue killed them once wave after wave after wave of yellow jerseys buzzed their zone. Also I don't think Morgan Ellis left the ice in OT. (Don't be shocked if he makes the Habs early next season, was what I said back in December).

I love how the two Russians--the ever bizarre Kirill Kabanov, and Anton Zlobin who I wouldn't mind the Habs grabbing--are the ones front and center with the Cup. Zlobin's two goals gave them the victory. Kabanov made Olli Määttä look like he doesn't belong in the first-round pick conversation all night long.

Ironic that it was the one time Tinordi was on the ice that the game-winning goal occurred. I think he played over 40 minutes...

Houser devastated, Tinordi stoic in a Ken Dryden pose.

I don't think he changed from that position for a while actually.

Still posing...

In the end only one BabyHab captain would lift it. It was a hard fought game. And the little guy came out on top.

Bournival living the dream. Hometown hero.

Meanwhile someone might want to un-flatten Morgan Ellis. We need him!

East meets West: My half-assed Stanley Cup finals preview

Also known as FOR THE LOVE OF HOCKEY, KINGS, YOU BETTER FUCKING WIN. Honestly I don't care, but New Jersey must be stopped.

Meanwhile...

(From Twitter)

Hal Gill has started his summer vacation. He calls this Summer Of Hal. Goose, sparkling water, lime, mint, and a raspberry.

Movie Night: The Avengers

I'm not really a fan of anything Marvel, save for Wolverine (and even those films were rather terrible in the "if it's on TV I will watch it but no way in hell will I buy the DVD" way). Frankly only reason why I went was because my dad had 4 free passes from his Air Miles card.

I heard it was great, and an example of how comic book films should be done. But then there's those Batman films--one of which is in the previews prior to this one. I guess if you compare comic book films done a la Michael Bay and one done by Joss Whedon, then sure I'll agree with you there. I flatlined my expectations and basically went to see an action flick. Conclusion: it was ok but not super-omg-amazing. I think the one part I liked in the film was the bit after the credits.

Also I was left picturing them all with serious garlic breath.


To me the Avengers will always be John Steed and Emma Peel.

Finally time for my 3rd round playoff preview

Well whatever. I pray this round has more goals but somehow I don't think so. At least LA realized the real Brian Elliott was in nets.

IN THE EAST!
New York Rangers (1) VS. New Jersey Devils (6)
So basically the players could walk to each other's arena right?  And if Stu Bickel takes the opening faceoff Monday night, I'll lol. Either way, I fear even less goals will be scored in this one. Will there be more goals or more fights? You decide!

IN THE WEST!
Phoenix Coyotes (3) VS. Los Angeles Kings (8)
If the Coyotes win the cup I'll buy a #24 Kyle Chipchura jersey. But really, could people stop comparing the Kings to last year's Bruins? For one: THEY AREN'T DIRTY DOUCHBAGS.

Between Torts and Sutter, you might get a whole sentence going for a press conference.

My 3rd round playoff preview is bored waiting for you...

So while the Caps take it to 7 (like I predicted), I'm bored. BORED! Doesn't help the hockey has been snoozerific either... And the strangeness of the schedules basically give me like an hour before the first game of the third round to write my preview. I blame NBC.

Anyway, the Berg is searching for staff members and one person we believe will join him as an assistant GM is Rick Dudley. Dudley, however, is currently in charge of player personnel with the Leafs. Frankly, it's a bit of a make-work title, and he has an out-clause in his contract that says he can depart 30 days after the last game. Brian Burke is a bit twitchy. He's worried Dudley will share state secrets of the magical Leafs drafting prowess with the Habs and wants him to wait til after the draft. Frankly I don't care when he shows up. Timmins does the draft. So go on back to your tinfoil hat, Burke. Because it really makes little difference if the Habs take Galchenyuk or Forsberg or whoever. It's how those kids grow within their future organizations that matter.

Hey, time for a picture of Toaster!

We welcome the new Boss-man

Jeff Goldblum?

He comes from the Pointe. He's 46 years old. Good looking. Hilarious. Speaks perfect Franglais. Worked with the Blackhawks' Stanley Cup winning team. Played for 20 years. Hides in hockey bags. He's Marc Bergevin: new GM of the Montreal Canadiens!


Finally someone with a pulse!

Also, hallelujah it wasn't McSplooge.

Never fear, for my 2nd round playoff preview is here!

Now that you've all thrown your brackets out and basically lost in your playoff pools, it's time for my half-assed preview of the second round! Are you even awake? Yea me neither.

IN THE EAST!
New York Rangers (1) VS. Washington Capitals (7)
Where have I seen this before? Oh right. EVERY YEAR! But now the Caps play like the Rangers play and no one can score/hit the broadside of a barn. So...Caps in 7. Now excuse me while I go marry Joel Ward for knocking the Bruins out.

Philadelphia Flyers (5) VS. New Jersey Devils (6).
Lucky for the Flyers, Fleury went back to sucking and the Penguins lost their fucking minds. Incredible because I never thought it capable to suck more than Bryzgalov in the playoffs. But the Flyers seem to be the only fucking team in the post-season capable of scoring goals and not putting me in a coma so...I begrudgingly thank them.

Wait, Rangers and Capitals and Flyers and Devils? Patrick Division, RISE FROM YOUR GRAVE!

The Official Distract Marty Brodeur Pizza now on sale in Philadelphia.

IN THE WEST!
St. Louis Blues (2) VS. Los Angeles Kings (8)
Lord help us because these teams will score negative goals. And don't be surprised when you find yourself out cold on the sofa during the 5th quadruple overtime game tied at 0-0, waking up at 5am only to realize you didn't miss anything. Maybe someone will score before breakfast if we're lucky.

Phoenix Coyotes (3) VS. Nashville Predators (4)
Seriously. These guys might finish their games before the other match up does. Maybe. Wake me up when it's over. I predict the Western Conference will do wonders for my insomnia.

A tale of two losers

I'm sure you've heard the hockey game that got in the way of the fight down in Philadelphia?

In my half-assed playoff preview, I had hoped the Pens and Flyers would just destroy each other. Well, surprisingly, the Flyers are doing it by playing actual hockey! Shocking! I know! However they're driving the Penguins completely mad in the process. And you know what? It's fantastic. That spoiled little brat of a team is falling apart at the seams, rolling on the ground kicking and screaming that mommy won't get him some wins. Or that Fleury is sucking more than Bryz, which is hilarious.

Basically, they're melting down more than the Habs in a third period. Only without CaKa for defence. However, they're not just being awful but losing every bit of dignity they had.

I don't care if Sidney Crosby flicked away a Voracek's glove. I do care that he's going around starting shit, knowing full well no one will DARE touch his head. The fight he had with Giroux was more of an intense hugging match. Even Scott Hartnell didn't dare punch him one. I have to commend the Flyers for their restraint because I'm sure they'd love to smack him good. And how douchey do you have to be to make the Flyers look like fucking saints?

Bottom line is the Flyers are playing great hockey, and Bylsma is getting out-coached. Again. While his key players are too busy being morons on the ice (hi Neal).

Of course the refs could help by throwing people out EARLIER. (Hi Neal, again).

Hop over across the continent to the Canucks-Kings series. The President's Trophy winner is down 3-0, much like the Pens. However they haven't lost their minds. Sure, we've had a few scuffles, but they were purely emotional outbursts during play. I hate fighting after clean hits, and Dustin Brown's hit on Sedin (the remaining one) was clean and hard. I understand the response as well, considering they're already down a twin. And not soon after, Brown was sent cartwheeling on a great hit (which he admirably sprung right back up and went back to business after). The Canucks are playing like a team completely deflated and at a loss, they're not playing very smart and aren't matching up very well, while probably wishing they had Cody Hodgson around at the moment instead of Zach Kassian.

The Canucks are equally frustrated to be losing. But instead of busting out the petulant child in a full donnybrook, they're continuing to skate and chip and try. Sucks to be them that Jonathan Quick owns their souls. Not much you can do when you face a hot goalie. But did you see that shift by Henrik Sedin? Or the relentless forechecking? They threw everything including the kitchen sink and the soap but came up empty.

Will the Canucks go down that dark path the Pens fell face first on to? The series is still young, and the League has fed this appetite for roidless roidrage. (Or we assume it's roidless). I guess it all depends if Shanahan has the balls to suspend Neal for what he did. He dropped the ball with Shea Weber and now the Penguins pushed him into a dark corner. However what the Pens are doing, the NHL created, and the officiating has taken a step back to allow on-ice assault. And now we're being told the ratings are high! That people are liking this? I'm sorry, no. We're here for the hockey. Hockey fights? They're fine. Hard hits? They're great. But the bullshit crap like crosschecking a kid high, flying elbows, or pounding a guy when he's already down? No, we're not watching for that. And why were we still watching the Pens-Flyers game? Well other than because it's hockey and nothing else was on, much like gawking an accident, you just couldn't look away. All we can do is hope the League has enough sense to make this crap stop instead of this fake caring about player safety.

I half expect these two teams to win their next game, but it wouldn't shock me to see either of them swept. If the Penguins could lose with dignity, it might be do them a world of good. Then again, there might be no one left on the team to douche it up. Maybe.

Well that was a waste of time...

NOT EVEN A FUCKING POWERBALL MACHINE WITH LITTLE LOGO COVERED BALLS! WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF DRAFT LOTTERY IS THAT, NHL?!

Habs retain number 3. Oilers win number 1 FOR THE THIRD FUCKING TIME IN A ROW which should be illegal. Someone in Columbus pissed off the Hockey Gods I guess.

Come June, the NHL Entry Draft will transform Pierre McGuire into a bird of prey. Watch out for poop.

"Top 10 Ways" is sad Habs are out but happy with the draft pick

Usually around this time I'd post a Top 10 Ways the Habs could win a series. Now that they're out, there isn't anything I can top 10 about... Top 10 Ways Gary Bettman Can Screw the Habs of a High Pick? Top 10 Ways Brian Burke Will Make It All About Him? I'm just not all that in to it. Like Erik Cole, I'm sad there are no playoffs.

So I guess I'll look at the actual first round match ups and give my opinions. Hey, NHLN has to fill 3 days of that shit. I got nothing else to do until the draft lottery tomorrow. Also I'm keeping them short because other than the Blackhawks I really couldn't give a crap about any series.

IN THE EAST!
New York Rangers (1) VS. Ottawa Senators (8)
Ottawa will find out if Craig Anderson is really just a Patrick Lalime Redux. And maybe Henrik Lundqvist will get some support to win a series? Senators are boring. Rangers block shots to death. I might sleep through this one until Ryan Callahan gets bored and runs someone under the tag "leadership". Taking the term #ShitDenisPotvinSays to epic levels.

Boston Bruins (2) VS. Washington Capitals (7)
I will be very disappointed in Caps fans if those cutout Obama facemasks on sticks things Vancouver fans carry around don't show up. This is also where I wished Jason Chimera really was a fire-breathing lion-goat-snake thing. Watch out for Andrew Ference's wardrobe malfunctions.

Florida Panthers (3) VS. New Jersey Devils (6)
Dull. Boring. Don't give a fuck. Also will this even be on TV when it goes to Florida? And will they have upgraded their cameras from "some dude in the 10th row with an iPhone" to an actual TV camera or two? Crazy prediction: some way some how they'll manage to take each game to a shootout even though there are no shootouts in the playoffs. THEY'LL FIND A WAY!

Pittsburgh Penguins (4) VS. Philadelphia Flyers (5)
Hopefully they'll destroy each other.

IN THE WEST!
Vancouver Canucks (1) VS. Los Angeles Kings (8)
Maybe the Kings will score some goals so they won't get shutout/swept in 4?

St. Louis Blues (2) VS. San Jose Sharks (7)
Ken Hitchcock's hermetic hockey up against Antti Niemi? Haha good luck with that, Sharks. Guessing Joe Thornton concussing David Perron will be the only storyline in this one. Yawn.

Phoenix Coyotes (3) VS. Chicago Blackhawks (6)
THROW THE SNAKE! Hawks in 6. They don't have Chris Campoli fucking up anymore.

Nashville Predators (4) VS. Detroit Red Wings (5)
Mustard vs Ketchup. Turn down the brightness on your TV. Preds are bringing SUNSHINE. Please return Andrei once you're done with him, thanks.

Habs 4, Leafs 1: It's all over

I'd say this photo basically sums up my reaction to the Habs season.

We have 1 rule.

No matter how the season went. No matter how much it has generally sucked. No matter if your team is playing a meaningless game. No matter if a loss will help push the draft lottery slightly in your favour. The one rule is just beat the Leafs.

And oh how the delusionally mighty have fallen. This is why you don't plan parades in October, Leafs.

Remember when they said Erik Cole would be the worst free agent signing, and that Tim Connolly would be the godsend center the Leafs were looking for? Yea. Cole's got 35 goals and still dropped down to block a shot in a nothing game with 6 minutes left while up 3-1.

Not only are the Leafs bad, but they gave up a 5-on-3 shorthanded goal. By the way, that 5-on-3 was being killed by Pleky, Campoli, and St-Denis.

They pulled Scrivens with 3 minutes left and Brad Staubitz bowled it home 200ft. He only scores probably a goal a year, but it always seems to be the LAST game of the year. And he was mauled by the bench.

Once the game was done, the staff, team, and injured players went to center ice. The amount of players in suits was quite astonishing...and a big reason why this team ended up where it did. Some will say injuries are a lame excuse. Frankly, when that many key players are down? Why is it only OK for the Islanders to use that excuse? But Carey Price with his cowboy hat on was a wonderful sight.

There's not much else to say, really. I miss the Habs already...

Is it October yet?