Got nothing to talk about? Stir up some shit!

Oh the media. When the going gets quiet, the fingers get tapping! But hey, it's the internets. I can blog nonsense too! Apparently Bertrand Raymond has crawled back out from under his vacation rock with a new piece of blog bile aimed to stir up the masses againsts Gainey. Of course! He's an evil anglo! With Tanguay waiting to hear from the Lightning after his physical about whether or not they'll pay him about two-million to get creamed by Pronger, the rest of the wouldn't haves and couldn't haves begin to surface.

Why naturally an old member of the organization/now player agent whispered in Bob's ear during the Draft if he would do his client a favour and give him a job on the team. Said client being a good old Quebecois, and one who'd die to wear the Sainte Flannelle, why he thought Bob would be all over that. Unfortunately his client was Denis Gauthier, the one who's 5th suspension on the year was handed down upon him for knocking Josh Gorges' brains into the stratosphere. Wonder why Bob told him to go call other clubs? I mean the guy only has a history of being a headhunting moron. Any other team would sign him at the drop of a hat! Right? Sure.

And then there's Beauchemin claiming he'd have gladly accepted the money Bob gave to Spacek (never mind his very recent torn ACL). I'd hate to burst your bubble, Frank, but Spacek scared me more than you did. And if the injury to Markov wasn't enough of an example of how easy this team is derailed without him, Bob did the right thing to pick up the Spaceman to help alleviate the weight on Markov's shoulders. Plus he's been quiet, so I like him already. There must be a good reason why the Sabres pinned the C on him as part of their rotating captaincy, and all (players and fans alike) pouted when he left them. I do not like whiny players like you, Frank. And Paul Mara had more hits than you, and he punches Darcy Tucker a lot. It's a win win situation.

And now back to Tanguay. Pending his physical, he may or may not be a Bolt. Ironic, considering his season was placed on the IR because of the Russian Truck Artyukhin squashing him into the glass like little bug under foot (as said with a Russian accent). Doubly ironic that the Lightning have traded said Russian Truck. Tanguay was a fine player when healthy, but I ain't going to cry over him going elsewhere. He's free to try the love connectiong between Vince and Marty, assuming Vince remains on the line with Marty considering he was booted off it last season and replaced by Stamkos the Boy Wonder. And for a guy who hits once in a blue moon, he may not be the favourite of Tocchet's attempt at creating the Flyers South. I thought Bob's press message was clear in that he was looking for more durable players?

So keep playing the same old tune, Bertrand. Playing for the Canadiens isn't a god given birth right, it's earned. It isn't the place where ever Jean-Guy can weasle his nephew in just because he's local. And how about you start praising the hard working guys who earned their stripes, like Lapierre. Bob's job is to ice a team he and the commitee thinks will win games. They're not working to please you. Wonder how much he'll plotz when/if Boivin gets ousted and replaced by Geoff "T-Shirt Cannon" Molson? For a guy who praised the horrible trade of Chris Chelios, frankly your opinion is moot.

Sergei says? NEGATIVE BUZZER!

Hockey Canada Triptych

Is this not a beautiful sight? All three Team Canadas together (Men, Women, Sledge) surrounding the Hockey Canada logo on the ice... Lovely stuff.

By the way, I'm rather obsessed with Sledge Hockey. Picture a team of Chantale Petitclercs, buzzing around the ice like water bugs, with arms of steel and a burning desire to win. It's absolutely fascinating. And just because they're sitting and rowing around doesn't mean they don't get chippy. I've seen line brawls in Sledge! Actually, I once saw a guy split the entire opposing team to score as if he were Kovy on a sled. And yes, they even have shootouts.

He's totally going to stalk us...

Yes, I totally thought of Sneak King (aka Stalker King) when I heard Kovy talking

Oh Kovy, you jest! We know you've got one eye on the puck and one eye on home. But, alas, you couldn't make up your mind on the contract terms and Bob wasn't in a waiting mood that day. In the end, there was no more room for you unless you were willing to take a hometown discount, which is probably what you'll need to realize in two years when you have to find another team. There is, however, enough Kovalove here to welcome you back in said two years time, so don't worry Kovy. We'll keep your number warm.

Do not fret, Sens fans. It's not another drama to add to your Summer of Heatley. And while he may be the prima donna, Kovy's the type of guy who speaks his mind, and he's not about to fly into Bryan's office and demand a trade. He's absolutely brutally honest, something that is rare among players and usually comes across as being an arrogant asshole. But he'll do his job. He'll put up the points as well as one can while trying to work with 4 guys trying to neutralize him every night. It's all part of being Alex Kovalev, International Man of Mystery. Also, like the Black Knight in Monty Python and the Holy Grail, he'll play regardless of how sick or injured he is. Unless, of course, you got Bob on speedial to give him a call, walk the banks of a river with, or tell him to stay home and clear his mind (or go to the fucking doctor).

"I can still shoot the puck with my nose!"

Of course, if he ends up sad and depressed while distracted and dreaming of what lies an hour away down the highway, I'm sure we can help you out for a draft pick.

My senses are tingling, who is that mysterious man?

Over the course of a few weeks this August we were introduced to the wise cracking duo of Gomez and Cammalleri, the towering gigantor USS-now-HMCS Hal Gill, the bearded Paul Mara, the farmer boy Travis Touchdown Moen who always wears his cup, and the one who got lost in a crowd of skating kids Brian Gionta. That's the jist of most of the n00bs, but what about Jaroslav Spacek?

Maybe Pleky should interview the Spaceman. Or Hammer, being a fellow defenseman. Or Jaro should interview the other Jaro. (Even if one is Czech and one is Slovakian, but hey, it used to be together!)

Maybe he doesn't speak, like Markov. Wow, that will be one crazy quick and intensely silent defensive pairing! Bet they're able to will the puck out of the zone with MIND BULLETS!

Adventures in Montreal: I has a garden

This is the extent of my backyard and my 2x4 garden. It felt like I planted these cherry tomatoes and green peppers eons ago... And with the crap summer we had I thought they would never do anything. Frankly those tomatoes have been little green balls for a month now, waiting for some hint of sun. And the green peppers? They had little flowers, and tiny tiny tiny peppers...but then they would just fall off.

Finally, summer has hit our area. And though I would love for this humidity to take a fucking hike and allow me to live without wanting to fall over dizzy and sick, my veggies have grown! It's also nice that I have a balcony with a glass panel that protects the plants from the dust of the busy road and traps the heat of the sun (I'm on the sunny side of the building). Since this is my first summer in my new place, I had no idea if this was going to work... But voila! Lots of tomatoes turning red, one pepper is growing and more are budding!


I ate them with my supper, and they were delicious.

Adventures in Montreal: Montreal is cool

OK well I work only a few blocks from this place, and I've never seen it because I don't normally go over there. It's near Place des Arts though, which isn't too far from the rather questionable section of St-Catherine Street that is soon to be reinvented with a lot of funding. (It's actually pretty facinating how sudden that street goes from "ew" to "woo" to "cool" to "oh my god did we cross the tracks?"). I personally don't really hang around that area much unless I were heading for St-Laurent to find my mysteriously disappearing record store (yes, vinyl) or searching for those weird retro clothes stores.

But it's so bloody cool!

Forget about Woodstock!

We got Habstock!


D'Agostini: "Hey Kovy, I just got a one-year two-way contract! Ain't that cool? If Martin doesn't think I'm ready to start up here, I get to go to Hamilton, where I burnt out all the red lights. I'll also get to work under Coach Le Chiffre! He's bound to teach me the finer points of defense as well as offense! What do you think?"
Kovalev: "..."
Bob: "Alex, get yer sulking arse over to the Ottawa bench..."
Lapierre: "Mmm, water."

Stewie's back to kick your ass for one more year (or more!)

Wearing his newly scalped Bruin. So avant-guarde!

Probably the best quote I've seen to describe Greg Stewart would be "he's ambidextrous so you never know which of his fists is going to break your nose." He's also made of rubber, and never seems to bruise. My brother thinks he's made of stone. Maybe he's a golem! Still, not bad for a guy who basically took up hockey on a whim. Bonus, he'll be RFA next season too, like a pack of other players we got. Montreal HEARTS you, Stewie!

And now, we reminisce on Stewie's accomplishments.

BIFF!


POW!


ZING!
(Oh yea, who won that game? Yo. Suck it Western Conference TV guys. It's like they've never seen anyone stand up to a wrecking ball before. Oh right).

In other news, the Leafs have given up on Pogge and sent him to the Ducks, while going out to sign Joey Mac, instead of using their newly acquired so-called goaltending guru to mold the young lad better than the waste of a system he was festering in previously. Say hi to Scott Clemmensen and Tuukka Rask, part 3!

Soapbox: It's getting kind of personal...

A blaring headline on my twitter screen reads "NHL wants Balsillie out of mix for Coyotes". As curiosity compelled me to click it, the subtitle of the article made me laugh extremely out loud (good thing I live alone). The subtitle proclaims "Team owners conclude Canadian billionaire would be untrustworthy".

Heh.

Now the summer soap opera of the Coyotes has brought as much amusement to me as Dany Heatley's ongoing soap opera, but the previous comments of Daly, Bettman, and now the BOG have totally jumped ship to the Comedy Network. Apparently the perfect character to buy a struggling team needs to be like the ever honest fraudsters that have recently plagued the League and currently find themselves residence in jail. I'll even take a stab at our dear George Gillett, who for all intents and purposes didn't really want to sell but ended up going for the money 'cause that pricetag sure was delicious enough even though I can see him getting more out of a Saudi prince for his soccer team... (And sorry George, but I hear the football league is going to be in heaps of problems some day soon thanks to overspending and underfunding, but hey, the Molsons say "hi").

Declarations topping this motion in the Anti-Bals charge this time is noted greedster Jeremy Jacobs, owner of the Bruins, and Craig Leipold, ex-Preds current-Wild owner, on the fact that Balsy would be untrustworthy despite the fact they approved him as an owner 3-times before fucking around with him. Also Leipold should know that Balsillie was so untrusting that William "Boots" Del Biaggio III got a higher nod over him...with intention to move that franchise anyway to Kansas City later, but that's fine 'cause Bettman would OK that one...you know 'cause it's not a hockey market but makes the NHL look big. Some notion that "bigger means it's good" or something. Whatever. (Also gotta laugh at the BOG snub nosing Balsillie's mock-season tickets drive, when Kansas City itself was peddling luxury boxes, but it's supposedly not considered the same thing).

Of course with the Pens, Bals wanted to move that deadbeat team (at the time) to Canada too, so that's why he was shuffled out on it. But it also took Lemieux to blackmail the city with a move to Kansas City if their new building wasn't built. Hey, Kansas City seems super popular! And it isn't even really in Kansas! (It's Missouri, which sounds like misery, and yes I know about the minor minor leagues there, but I also know many of them are folding because no one cares to see them).

Difference is, Pensburgh is a fairly viable hockey market. I mean, at least they get SNOW and don't have golf as their major selling point. And after being horrible for so long, now live off the easiest choices of drafting and a Stanley Cup for their troubles. Preds? Eh. When they have to explain to you what icing is on the jumbotron time after time, I start questioning. And while Garth Brooks is a fairly big hockey fan, he wouldn't even buy the team either... But the Coyotes don't have a bad set of players either. Despite that, they still can't sell tickets until the Habs or the Flames roll into town.

And your theory about "who would care about a Rangers vs Hamilton/Waterloo game" is moot because no one gives a damn about a Rangers vs Phoenix game either.

Plain and simple: no one gives a damn down there. Sure there are fans of the team, but most of the people in town would rather just head over to the Cardinals across the street (if they do even that). And no one gives a damn elsewhere. Like the Panthers--and I know Panthers fans--there are fans of the team, but they are so far and few that while the team was a step away from making the playoffs the NFL still took the centerpiece of the papers. Not that they paid them much attention anyway. Hell, hockey below the Mason Dixon line is moot in newspapers, as a first hand experience during the playoffs while vacationing in Washington/South Carolina. (I barely found a team shirt and when I did it was just Ovie and Semin...oh and the store was very very empty). And I pity the fool that has to deal with the local broadcasting of Lightning games (cringe). Makes you wonder if anyone can stay a fan of teams via these outlets when they don't even put the effort to said the players' names correctly. Isn't that right, Corey Price?

But you want to get personal, NHL? OK. The NHL started because the team owners were upset at the constant arguings, wranglings and general annoyances by Toronto owner Eddie Livingston. If the BOG had any balls of their own like they did in 1917 and got fed up with Bettman's constant arguings, question dodging, nose up in the air, Napoleon attitude and Daly's ass-licking followings, could they maybe do the same? In particular, say, the Canadian teams tired of paying for their failed "brothers" when lord knows that money would never go the other way should a local franchise need some cash, break the League and create their own? Call it the Canadian National Hockey League. After all, we wouldn't have problems selling tickets or TV time up here to our audience, and Bals could make his franchise all he wants in both Hamilton AND Waterloo (and Quebecor could make their QC team too boot). Winnie would return. I dare say, a team in the Maritimes. Our league's cashflow would nary miss a beat, nor suffer loss of interest, but I can't see the Rags and the newly rejuvenated Hawks or Bruins happy with sharing their money to feed the struggling franchises in the sun. I can also see many of the teams like Buffalo and the hockey holiday ticket price hikers of Florida suffering way more from lack of Leafs/Habs fans. On the flipside, I do know the Habs and Leafs would be very happy to NOT be sharing their profits to keep Vinny happy in beachland. (Sorry to Habs fans outside Canada though, but there will probably be a way to get Habs games somehow on TV, and if not, there's always the internets. If I can find a way to watch Dallas or Chicago, then anyone can). Eventually, through this scenario, would the Bettman NHL turn into a one-team NHA league like Livingston's?

It's all food for thought. At the same time, it isn't uncommon in the business world to reward failure with a bailout or two, but the NHL isn't the automobile industry. So when the BOG and Bettman and Daly finally get their heads out of their arses perhaps they'll smell the real scent of the manure they've set themselves up with. However, if by September, Jerry Bruckheimer offers a bid on condition to move the team to Las Vegas and he gets the OK to do so, then the League has officially nuked the fridge.

The thunder rolls...

Random Friday: Someone just made my day

That dog from Duck Hunt was always my nemesis, but today, he's my hero...

(And that's MVParkov bringing out his inner video game-ness.).

How could you neglect this face?

Dear Hamilton,

Though I wholeheartedly support to Make It 7, why do you keep forgetting about adorable little me? I'm your kind and loyal pro-hockey team, and I've been around for a good long while...

With me you were able to witness the beginning of many NHL stars as they diligently worked their way up the ranks. I brought you joy when I won Ontario's only championship trophy in...eons. And with me, the silent and tireless charity work of many young players like Maxwell and Weber and countless others brought hope and happiness to your city and your children through school programs, sports recreation and hospitals. And I always try my best to do my best even when I'm injured or my friends have to go play with the big guys 'cause of their own injuries. Also PK Subban is coming to town! Isn't that exciting?

And am I not adorable when the Marlies and their immitation puppy dog mascot gets destroyed when they come to visit?

So why would you openly forget about me every time on national TV when my handsome logo rests on the ice of the Copps Coliseum. How could you forget that I have a most appropriate and very original goal song that even comes with it's own dance? It's far better than that damn howl... Why would you select that ratty old scavenger pup from the desert when he should go back to Winnie where he belongs?

Please, Mr. Balsillie. While I support your efforts, don't evict me from the Dog Pound (even if it's in our lease that says you can do so) that is so conveniently located near my divisional rivals. While I'm sure the good people of Newfoundland would welcome me into their homes with open arms, and actually fill the building to capacity every night, St.John's is so very far away and inaccessible by roads.

So while you continue dreaming of hearing Derek Wills call a Montreal/Hamilton game, please try to remember this adorable little puppy. I can be trained to bite Bettman if you like.

Sincerely,
Cute, little Bulldog

You make me into this

Replace the face of poor doomed Torchwood scientist with Dany Heatley's and you get my drift about my sentiments right now.

Forgive me as I explode on an angry rant for a moment, but really, what the holy glorious fuck is wrong with everyone? We first get a rumor that Bob is thinking of trading with the Kings for the holy trilogy (that would be Frolov, Kopitar, and haha Schenn) for the Kostitsyn brothers, Rhino, Dagger, Stewie, Hammer, and a partridge in a pear tree. Not only is that by itself downright delusional, but it's downright insulting (to the Kings mostly, for I can't see them being that stupid to trade away their Big Three even if it's for our whole depth chart). This has now ballooned towards another Californian team, and it's all Dany Heatley's fault.

That's right, Heater. If this all comes true, and it's your fault, well I for one will be truly annoyed at what your drama has transpired and that it now involves MY team to satisfy your fucking needs you disgruntled asshat.

But my anger is not solely directed at that disgruntle twat. I'm more angry at what has happened to the fans of this team. The new rumor du jour is that the Sharks want to make a deal for Heatley, but they're lassoing the Habs into it to help because apparently Cryin' Bryan isn't happy with what Team Teal has to offer. The usual suspects are named from Halak to Higgy (OOPS pick again), and on their side it's the Cheechoo Train, Erhoff, and yet another 1st round pick (which San Jose seems to never want, and seriously, thank you for Pacioretty again). Then there's also Marleau, I guess because he's got a french-sounding last name even though he's not french. But this has now spiraled down to pondering a trade that includes...CAMMALLERI?! I was just at Fairview today and they already have his t-shirts on sale and you think he's on the list to being traded when he just fucking signed with the team last month and has been running around clicking his heels whilst jumping through the air proclaiming "I'M A HAB WOOOOO"?! Seriously, how stupid are some fans to even speculate openly such a thought as reasonable, especially considering what may be returning in the other direction for what will be lost?

Know what I call this? Cabin fever for hockey fans. Offseason is HELL.

What has me worried, however, is that Dagger and Stewie have yet to get their contract (they have their qualifying offer though, but the final terms are as much a mystery to me as to you). But are we now the Expos? Are we the training ground for the NHL where we raise some fine young talent and then quickly dispatch them to other teams in the league so they can come back to haunt us until they either find their way back here later or go on to have fine careers? Sure Stewie is a fringe player, but he's a character guy who's still growing, and has proven himself useful not just to the Dogs (where he scores his goals) but to the Habs (where he punches people). Of course Moen is probably securing that part, and will probably include some goals there, but one shouldn't give up on the kid with the rubber face yet particularily when the team's supposed guard spends most of his time on the IR and Conboy isn't exactly NHL ready yet (he's not an enforcer though, he's just a tough player). Same for Dags, who will learn a great deal from the new guys Bob signed up (who head for the net and use their speed, which is what he needs to remember to do as it gave him his success).

You know, I was enjoying the quiet where the last bit of signing info was for a career backup goalie to backup the backup. Sure the summer has been a pile of rainy shit and we've not seen the sun more than once a week (if we're lucky), but this has just nuked the fridge for me. And if something does come of it, and we lose more because someone needs to satisfy Heatley's little tiff with his coach, then after all the excitement I actually felt for the changes, and all the pain of dealing with the changes, will just be thrown off the bridge into the river where it will wallow with the mutant fishes. I'm even starting to hope some big storm knocks out all internets until October.

Right now I could use a good pick me up. So as the storm clouds swirl around the Heatley Maelstrom and it slowly, hypothetically sucks us into it...I'll take the Doctor's word about hope being a good emotion. And for the love of whatever, Bob, don't trade the Kostitsyns!!!