A Winner is You!

Thank god. Now we won't have to see that shaved ape raise the Cup every opening intro anymore. Congrats, LA. May your bandwagon remain full for a few more weeks.

East meets West: My half-assed Stanley Cup finals preview

Also known as FOR THE LOVE OF HOCKEY, KINGS, YOU BETTER FUCKING WIN. Honestly I don't care, but New Jersey must be stopped.

Meanwhile...

(From Twitter)

Hal Gill has started his summer vacation. He calls this Summer Of Hal. Goose, sparkling water, lime, mint, and a raspberry.

Survivor Playoffs 2010: WE HAVE A WINNER!

The Flyers have been voted off the island, folks. The Blackhawks take Lord Stanley.

Patrick Kane, doing his best imitation of Sidney Crosby's golden goal, created the most confusing and anti-climatic Stanley Cup winning goal in the history of the game. What was I doing? Well, I was watching TV on my laptop with the game on my actual TV muted, looking up occasionally, only to see Mullet Boy shoot on net and throw his gear into the air in celebration as he skated back into the Hawks zone.

Michael Leighton finally realized he's horrible.

The world finally realized Antti Niemi would be the next Vesa Toskala if he were on any other team.

Patrick Sharp is the best player you can take in a playoff pool.

Duncan Keith can now get some teeth.

Marian Hossa can finally smile with a huge chunky ring on his finger.

Captain Serious Conn Smythe stayed true to the freaky mural.

Pronger can go grumble to a wall now.

Mike Richards can stop looking like Rabbi Shmuley.

Adam Burish can continue to be hilarious.

Kris Versteeg just gave a bottle of champagne to some fans in the crowd.

Patrick Kane still looks sleezy even when surrounded by his sisters.

Scotty Bowman can come home and fix the Canadiens now. (PLEASE!)

Chicago can finally stop feeling sorry for itself and party hard.

Jeremy Roenick can keep crying.

Here's to October.

And this is what happens on a Sunday afternoon...

This is what it's all about.

Just a bunch of guys playing the game they love for the holiest of keggers, the Stanley Keg. And yes, Louis Leblanc and his team of younguns are old enough to drink it. Well, they are in my province anyway.

You can view video of the event here.

Summer will now interfere with no call

Hey! Just like the Red Wings!

How much you wanna bet if the Habs played that kind of interference defense they'd be in the box the whole time and we'd have to listen to Houde & Brunet tell us how indisciplined they are? I know because I've seen it a few time when Breezer or Hammer step up to challenge a guy only to get called for some phantom interference. As my brother said "because we're not marketable, because you don't need to sell the game to Canadians". They need a team like the Wings to market to the feel-good story of the year for the poor burnt out husk of Detroit. (I dunno, it always looked that way too me. Was a creepy quiet place last time I drove through there). Gotta redo those faceoffs kids 'cause Detroit didn't get the puck! How many times can one crosscheck a Penguin without getting called but hey Malkin don't you dare tap that guy from behind so that he falls over like the world just crashed on his back. It's all water under the bridge now. In the end, and NOT according to Red Fisher or Don Cherry or those stand-ins on CJAD that have very annoying tones in their voices, the better team won. That's right, the Penguins finally got their Cup after stinking up the joint enough to round up a dozen first-rounders of the high draft pick choice. I was hoping they would do it, mostly because Detroit infuriates me. And for Ho Ho Hossa.

That's right, I just don't like Detroit.

And while people cried that the superstars did mostly nothing the whole series, it's not easy to work with a big target on your back. (And I disagree, as they were working very hard but getting shutdown, their presence however was always felt). That's why you got the other Superstar (and the Staal-Clone). Bet Talbot will work on a new car ad this summer.

But in the end, now we can say: Satan's name is on the Cup.

Stanley Cup Clusterfuck

There can be only one, and the rest should be proud to have made it this far.

So they announced the match-ups finally, but didn't get around to posting the dates. They did get around to saying the Draft Lottery will take place Tuesday... The poor Islanders have a 25% chance, while Toronto's 4% and Dallas is 3%. Tampa Bay's at 18% and probably won't stop until their team is entirely made up of 1st overalls, but whatever. On to the Cup race.

To the East:

Series A - Boston vs Montreal
You better believe it. There will be blood. Or, to the regulars, just your average Spring... Nothing surprising here, folks. Next!

Series B - Washington vs New York
Or "How much of a fucktard can Sean Avery be before someone feeds him what's left of his spleen". Could be fun, either way. Goalie duel between who can choke first, Jose "5 Hole" Theodore or Henrik "On My Knees with my Oversized Glove and Illegal Shoulder Pads" Lundqvist. Hot!

Series C - New Jersey vs Carolina
Battle of the snorefest and the "my crowd is less than your crowd". Bring back the Whale! Either way, one of them is going down and whoever it is will be good for the rest of us.

Series D - Pittsburgh vs Philadelphia
See Series A in terms of blood and intensity.

To the West:

Series E - San Jose vs Anaheim
With the Battle of California, I'm guessing it'll be intense, but I wouldn't know 'cause I never gave a damn about those two teams. And I find teal a nasty colour. Bleh. But don't mess with the 'stache! I have a feeling the Ducks are going to be a pain in the ass.

Series F - Detroit vs Columbus
Or the OMGWEFINALLYMADEITIN team vs the YaWhatevsWeWonLastYear team. I'd like to see Columbus give them a good run for their money though. Depends on who can stand on his head better, Osgood or Mason.

Series G - Vancouver vs St. Louis
I'll take a serious side note here to congratulate the Blues for finally getting back into the playoffs after missing it for so long. Go Blues! They're an underdog team, but they're probably the one good hockey story of the season.

Series H - Chicago vs Calgary
Assuming there's anyone left to play for Calgary...

And for everyone else, there's a consolation prize of maybe playing for your country in the IIHF World Championship. Hey it takes place in Switzerland!