Top 10 ways Habs can win Round 1 VS. The Senators

That's right folks. From 15th to 2nd, your Montreal Canadiens are Divisional Champions. And because the Bruins appear to still be in a coma, they lost their deciding game, and ripped out of the gleeful fingers of HNiC the "sure bet" (not really) Habs-Leafs playoffs series everyone but myself was waiting for. (Even though there will be plenty of chances for that under the new format, assuming the Red Wings don't ruin everything, which they do). Instead, we get to ride the fucking 417 to Ottawa while stabbing ourselves in the ears over every Erik Karlsson lovefest while dodging raccoons and trucks.

Seriously folks, I'm glad for the Thursday start, but I can't take four days of every mediot gushing over Karlsson. I'm not going to make it.

But fear not! Top 10 ways is back for this sprinted season! So if I don't survive til Thursday, here's hoping the Habs do, and prep themselves accordingly.

10. Lars Eller will switch jerseys with David Desharnais between shifts, especially when a powerplay is designated, guaranteeing him at least 20 minutes of ice time to score a goal and set up 2 others. People will casually forget how tall he is, and maybe not notice altogether as they'll be blinded by the glow of his pale Scandinavian skin.

9. Jarred Tinordi vs Jared Cowen. Mind = Blown. (Or maybe that was just Cowen's knee again. Again).

8. If you see a guy with crazy hair and a wild beard who's a "son" of an "Alfred", probably a good idea not to have a Bouillon on the ice. Especially with a few minutes left in a period where he might score a goal while you blinked.

7. If we've all fallen asleep by the 2nd period of Game 1, someone set up a Youppi/Spartacat cage match. Please.

6. As this series appears to be a confrontation between two possible Jack Adams nominees, I think it's high time someone set up Paul MacLean's look-alike with Michel Therrien's look-alike. They're practically made for each other!

5. Remember that game in Pittsburgh that closed the series in your favour and shut down the Igloo? Remember that moment, Travis Moen? Now would be the best time in a rather half asleep season of yours for you to channel the Travis Moen of that night and dipsy doodle around Sergei Gonchar like nobody's business. Otherwise, someone might dipsy doodle around Markov. Hopefully you do it first.

4. The Senators motto was "Tied at 1, taking it to OT, win in a shootout". Thankfully there are no shootouts in the playoffs. But Habs would do themselves a grand favour in NOT letting Silfverberg zoom off on a breakaway to unleash his top-shelf snipe. Because that's all he does.

3. If Chris Neil tries to start shit, just let Brendan Gallagher laugh in his face. Else, punch him in the gums. Or push his helmet over his eyes.

2. Whatever you do, make sure it pisses off Denis Potvin so much, he goes on an epic condescending rant about some injustice or some such. Hopefully it includes a goal by PK Subban after an epic stumble by Kyle Turris or Guimauve (to equally annoy RDS).

1. The plan for Craig Anderson is simple: Replace efficient Clorox ice cleaner brigade with ice girls.

Seems all these preview shows only believe there's one player playing for the Habs, and he's not allowed past the red line. Nuts to you, rest of the team. Guess you can go home early. Yet in the end, it's like they're begrudgingly putting you to win the series...with a few thousand buts attached to it. Shove it in their faces, boys.

Go Habs Go!

East meets West: My half-assed Stanley Cup finals preview

Also known as FOR THE LOVE OF HOCKEY, KINGS, YOU BETTER FUCKING WIN. Honestly I don't care, but New Jersey must be stopped.

Meanwhile...

(From Twitter)

Hal Gill has started his summer vacation. He calls this Summer Of Hal. Goose, sparkling water, lime, mint, and a raspberry.

Finally time for my 3rd round playoff preview

Well whatever. I pray this round has more goals but somehow I don't think so. At least LA realized the real Brian Elliott was in nets.

IN THE EAST!
New York Rangers (1) VS. New Jersey Devils (6)
So basically the players could walk to each other's arena right?  And if Stu Bickel takes the opening faceoff Monday night, I'll lol. Either way, I fear even less goals will be scored in this one. Will there be more goals or more fights? You decide!

IN THE WEST!
Phoenix Coyotes (3) VS. Los Angeles Kings (8)
If the Coyotes win the cup I'll buy a #24 Kyle Chipchura jersey. But really, could people stop comparing the Kings to last year's Bruins? For one: THEY AREN'T DIRTY DOUCHBAGS.

Between Torts and Sutter, you might get a whole sentence going for a press conference.

Never fear, for my 2nd round playoff preview is here!

Now that you've all thrown your brackets out and basically lost in your playoff pools, it's time for my half-assed preview of the second round! Are you even awake? Yea me neither.

IN THE EAST!
New York Rangers (1) VS. Washington Capitals (7)
Where have I seen this before? Oh right. EVERY YEAR! But now the Caps play like the Rangers play and no one can score/hit the broadside of a barn. So...Caps in 7. Now excuse me while I go marry Joel Ward for knocking the Bruins out.

Philadelphia Flyers (5) VS. New Jersey Devils (6).
Lucky for the Flyers, Fleury went back to sucking and the Penguins lost their fucking minds. Incredible because I never thought it capable to suck more than Bryzgalov in the playoffs. But the Flyers seem to be the only fucking team in the post-season capable of scoring goals and not putting me in a coma so...I begrudgingly thank them.

Wait, Rangers and Capitals and Flyers and Devils? Patrick Division, RISE FROM YOUR GRAVE!

The Official Distract Marty Brodeur Pizza now on sale in Philadelphia.

IN THE WEST!
St. Louis Blues (2) VS. Los Angeles Kings (8)
Lord help us because these teams will score negative goals. And don't be surprised when you find yourself out cold on the sofa during the 5th quadruple overtime game tied at 0-0, waking up at 5am only to realize you didn't miss anything. Maybe someone will score before breakfast if we're lucky.

Phoenix Coyotes (3) VS. Nashville Predators (4)
Seriously. These guys might finish their games before the other match up does. Maybe. Wake me up when it's over. I predict the Western Conference will do wonders for my insomnia.

"Top 10 Ways" is sad Habs are out but happy with the draft pick

Usually around this time I'd post a Top 10 Ways the Habs could win a series. Now that they're out, there isn't anything I can top 10 about... Top 10 Ways Gary Bettman Can Screw the Habs of a High Pick? Top 10 Ways Brian Burke Will Make It All About Him? I'm just not all that in to it. Like Erik Cole, I'm sad there are no playoffs.

So I guess I'll look at the actual first round match ups and give my opinions. Hey, NHLN has to fill 3 days of that shit. I got nothing else to do until the draft lottery tomorrow. Also I'm keeping them short because other than the Blackhawks I really couldn't give a crap about any series.

IN THE EAST!
New York Rangers (1) VS. Ottawa Senators (8)
Ottawa will find out if Craig Anderson is really just a Patrick Lalime Redux. And maybe Henrik Lundqvist will get some support to win a series? Senators are boring. Rangers block shots to death. I might sleep through this one until Ryan Callahan gets bored and runs someone under the tag "leadership". Taking the term #ShitDenisPotvinSays to epic levels.

Boston Bruins (2) VS. Washington Capitals (7)
I will be very disappointed in Caps fans if those cutout Obama facemasks on sticks things Vancouver fans carry around don't show up. This is also where I wished Jason Chimera really was a fire-breathing lion-goat-snake thing. Watch out for Andrew Ference's wardrobe malfunctions.

Florida Panthers (3) VS. New Jersey Devils (6)
Dull. Boring. Don't give a fuck. Also will this even be on TV when it goes to Florida? And will they have upgraded their cameras from "some dude in the 10th row with an iPhone" to an actual TV camera or two? Crazy prediction: some way some how they'll manage to take each game to a shootout even though there are no shootouts in the playoffs. THEY'LL FIND A WAY!

Pittsburgh Penguins (4) VS. Philadelphia Flyers (5)
Hopefully they'll destroy each other.

IN THE WEST!
Vancouver Canucks (1) VS. Los Angeles Kings (8)
Maybe the Kings will score some goals so they won't get shutout/swept in 4?

St. Louis Blues (2) VS. San Jose Sharks (7)
Ken Hitchcock's hermetic hockey up against Antti Niemi? Haha good luck with that, Sharks. Guessing Joe Thornton concussing David Perron will be the only storyline in this one. Yawn.

Phoenix Coyotes (3) VS. Chicago Blackhawks (6)
THROW THE SNAKE! Hawks in 6. They don't have Chris Campoli fucking up anymore.

Nashville Predators (4) VS. Detroit Red Wings (5)
Mustard vs Ketchup. Turn down the brightness on your TV. Preds are bringing SUNSHINE. Please return Andrei once you're done with him, thanks.

Survivor Playoffs 2010: The Washington Capitals

When my brother and I left Game 4, he turned to me and said "I hope the Caps don't win the Cup." When I asked him why, he said it was because they didn't deserve it. "They're arrogant," is what his reason was.

Arrogant is one. Predictable is another. A better bounce here. A smarter defensive move there. Habs could have stunned them by winning this in 5 (or 6). We've seen it before. Other versions of this team has done it before. Even the Bulldogs stunned their typically number 1 team by beating them in 5 for the Calder. There's a reason why I wanted the Habs to meet the Caps in the playoffs, and not just for the entertaining value or the excitement, but because I thought they could have a legitimate shot at beating them if they played them properly and smartly.

All the talent in the world means nothing if you fall apart.

And while the media knowitalls laughed at the mismatch they forgot one thing: there's a big difference between WANTING to win and EXPECTING to win. It would seem that after Game 4, Caps thought it was in the bag. They didn't expect Kirk Muller to become the ultimate puppetmaster and help rally this team straight. Believe in what you can do, come together for the dream, play the system your Coach has decided on. Sure we still think you're playing with fire if you think blocking and defending and waiting for that good scoring chance while facing the Caps. The WANT however was greater. Caps were already thinking to the next series, forgetting this one wasn't finished yet.

A Pens fan actually explained it best: that it was like the saloon shootout in Unforgiven, where the favored home team panicked and sprayed shots wildly while the visitor calmly picked them off one by one.

Ted's Take was very honest and straight to the point. He has a good team, but it needs to be better and smarter if it wants to go all the way. We know the Habs have a hard long road coming in the next round. We know they probably won't beat the Pens. I think it was Dickie Moore who came into the room during the '89 playoffs after each series win and said "Congratulations, you didn't win a thing." We know how it goes. But the Caps have a lot more thinking to do this summer.

Survivor Playoffs 2010: The Phoenix Coyotes

Dave Tippett's nemesis: the McGill Tie. Fear it! I bet he must have nightmares about it, as it thwarts his every attempt to bring a team through the playoffs.

Well, I was hoping this team would do something with itself before they ship it back to Winnipeg where it belongs but it seems the wheels just fell off right at the end. Too bad, though. Poland's pride Wojtek Wolski (who's last name is 10-times easier to spell than mine) was a good pick up for them considering they have a pack of Peter Mueller's growing in the wings. I also thought Yandle would never stop scoring. And who couldn't love the glee on Shane Doan's face when he scored that goal?

Sadly, it wasn't meant to be. And everytime Todd Bertuzzi scores in the playoffs, Dominic Moore grrs. Go away, Red Wings. Shoo.

Now we can't yell THROW THE SNAKE anymore...

So... Go Jets Go?

Survivor Playoffs 2010: The Los Angeles Kings

Summed up by Drew Doughty smashing his stick in anger against the end boards on an empty net.

Initially the Kings had exposed a vulnerable point in the Canucks: penalty kill. However as their own players tired, and as Jonathan Quick fell apart, the Canucks finally managed to kill penalties and finally managed to win games. And for every "great save Luongo" you will notice he could make his life easier if he didn't always somehow end up falling into his net on his ass and had to scramble back.

Be proud, LA. You got some good young players there. Now, do yourself a favor and dump that black jersey with the shield and just use your crown purple please?

Survivor Playoffs 2010: The Colorado Avalanche

Following the Senators ousting, the Colorado Avalanche were voted off the Island last night in a 5-2 double-empty netter (we know how that feels) loss to the San Jose Sharks.

Just like the Habs, you had an 8th seeded team giving the 1st seed a run for its playoff money.

Unlike the Habs, the Avalanche were way better than what we see daily. Only a slight stumble sent them into 8th but throughout the year their young players led the way brilliantly under a coach that trusted them and challenged them appropriately and allowed them to play.

Most nights it depended on Craig Anderson. Knowing how he is, his year starts off hot, he stumbles slightly, regains form, then stumbles again. His post season also played out that way, after an amazing 50+ save performance in front of his adoring home crowd and an unlucky goal by Dan Boyle into his own net, it looked like he had no idea how to make a proper save after that.

Speaking of Dan Boyle's goal: You talk about bad luck eh. The Hockey Gods were probably chuckling and saying "OK, enough's enough now. You can go on and win the series, we're just joking with you." However if the Sharks want to go further than the 2nd round, they'll need to be a hell of a lot better than what they were during this series.

To the Avs, this crying fan pretty much sums it up. He totally wasn't in any hurry to leave the rink.

Survivor Playoffs 2010: The Ottawa Senators

The Senator is not pleased. Then again that face always looks sour.

After avoiding elimination with a triple-OT win in Pittsburgh via a rather weak point shot from Carkner (really? NOW you decide to be an NHLer?) the Ottawa Senators put up a defiant battle to win another. Alas it wasn't meant to be. Up 2-nothing, then up 3-1, of all the rat bastards in the world to tie it that fucker Matt Cooke is the one who sends the game to OT.

Contrary to what the CBC thought, the Pens looked gassed all game. Fleury looked surprised on every shot he faced, no one remembered their positions, and actually attempting to score on anything but the rush was inconceivable. And credit the Sens were wearing the Pens down. Crosby wasn't allowed to breathe anymore. Malkin got thrown around. Shot blocking to the point of annoyance. But all it took was one slingshot over Leclaire to end it.

If the triple-OT game inspired the Habs, I hope they learned from this one as well. (Though apparently Chocula is scratching Sergei, and unless he's sick apparently Chocula wants us to lose).

It's heartbreak in Ottawa. See you in October.

Survivor Playoffs 2010: The New Jersey Devils

The New Jersey Devils are the first voted off the Island. My brother is happy that it isn't the Habs who leave first. Moral victories?

Lou Lamoriello tossed a jar of jam to make a point to his coaching staff that the Devils needed more jam. Can you imagine Bob Gainey doing that? I sure as hell can't imagine Pierre Gauthier doing that. Bob would have glowered at you disapprovingly, while Pierre AKA the Ghost wouldn't have even been in the room. Or he would, but you wouldn't have noticed.

The questions lies with Martin Brodeur: what the heck happened? The answer lies with Ilya Kovalchuk: why was no one else following you as you tried to create some offensive output? The addendum is directed to Parise, Elias, and Zajac: did you guys really miss Gionta that much?

We know we're an 8th seed up against a 1st not only in the East but in the League. For the #2 seed to be absolutely destroyed in the manner they did? Well, if they were a Montreal team, Sal the Caller would have exploded.

Enjoy the summer, Devils.