Pre-season: Where analyzing too much could seriously hurt your brain

Too much rain today. And while I spent most of my day nursing my inability to digest food properly, the remnants of tropical storm Nicole did little to up my mood.

Guess the moody weather hit our boys hard tonight. They looked out of it. In complete disarray. Then again, the lineup wasn't exactly what I'd call a proper roster. It was another one of those experimental combinations, where many of them made no sense. Regardless of the outcome of the game, standing on your soap box and crying about Alex Auld while proclaiming the Habs should pick up Martin Gerber on waivers totally negates your credibility of rational thought. In fact, excuse me while I laugh out loud. Literally.

HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!

Ok, back to the nitty gritty. Nothing has changed with the Sabres hemorrhaging style of play and Patrick Kaleta is still a dirty fucktard that deserves many Alex Ovechkin elbows to the head. (Tried to kill Subban and Lapierre, but missed, and Lapierre was so angry the trainers were afraid to see if he was ok). Tyler Myers is still tall and still picking up game stars because he's tall. Derek Roy is still a douche. At least they got their jersey right finally.

Lars Eller at center is a few years off by NHL standards. I'd prefer to have him on the wing with some veterans else it could hinder his development. In other words, if Pouliot continues pissing his chances away I'd rather see Eller with Gio and Gomez. Ryan White makes the team with Tom Pyatt. All night everyone was shitting on Andrei Kostitsyn, and while no one really had that good of a game tonight, he surely wasn't the worst. He can cradle that puck like a baby and backhand it like a nobody's business. Didn't help that he was stuck on an experimental line that made zero sense logically. Gotta say though, Alex Picard isn't looking as bad as I remember him when he played for the Sens. This may be a trap. And while I can't really say much about the special teams because of the lineup I can't really tell which system fits the team better. Perhaps they'll work once the team exits pre-season with the proper personnel, like Cammy and Pleky, or Moen and Gorges and Gill on the penalty kill. Alex Henry belongs with the Bulldogs no matter how much he tries. (Besides, we need him to protect the children from evil Abbotsford Heat players).

It's too bad our first glimpse of Captain Gionta was such an empty game. The good news? One more pre-season game left...

Pre-season Bulldogs: Take it to the rock
Bulldogs started off their pre-season with a 3-0 smackdown on the BingySens. JT Wyman tipped in two and Palushaj popped in a tenacious effort to get the 3rd goal. But most impressive to Derek Wills? Alexander Avtsin! Even Brad "MAYDAY!MAYDAY!MAYDAY!" May was enamored with the spunky young Russian's skills. Avtsin is the youngest member on the team. If he were a North American player, he would have to be playing somewhere in the CHL. He dazzled the crowd all night with his moves. But he didn't just show off his puck skills, he also showed off his rugged side. I got a good feeling about this kid.

Captain, My Captain

He's 5'7" on a good day.

He'll screen the goalie somehow.

He loves pissing off Zdeno Chara.

He goes out on the ice against men three times his size wearing gear he's probably had since he was 8.

He's actually taller than his parents.

You can't spell "giant" without him.

He's Brian Gionta. He's our Captain. Touch him and DIE!

GYFH!

Pre-season: The kids are alright

I'm keeping track of your penalties, kids. Both teams totalled up to 120 minutes including 4 misconducts.

Considering how craptastic it is outside right now, nothing like a spirited game between the Hamilton Bulldogs and the Rochester Americans to cheer things up. Makes you warm and fuzzy, like seeing Ryan White's pink cheeks as the blood drips from his nose and that wide, pearly grin beams with pride.

The BarelyHabs also handed the BarelyPanthers their first preseason loss. Like I said, my brother thinks they should just ice their preseason lineup during the regular season. Couldn't hurt...

CJAD knows it's snooze-talk radio and brought Gomez in to wake us all up
- Seriously. If he ever sprains an ankle this season or tweaks a nostril and can't play, PUT HIM IN THE BOOTH. Told the world he's on Spacek for making preseason miserable lol.
- Disturbing that a little Team B infusion into Team A = win? It's all Ryan White baby. I wish I had a video of his goal 'cause that was sweet glorious effort. Same for the one off the post earlier. Roster spot please.
- Lunatics have left the building, and Price showed why this is preseason. Chill dudes, this is exactly what he was talking about. Looked calm and comfortable. Stickhandled around forecheckers (didn't mean too but his teammates get very absent minded when he has the puck) and made some solid saves despite not facing many shots. For a guy who likes to be busy this is also a good sign. The concentration was there.
- Jacob Markstrom came in the 3rd and didn't have to throw a fit. The Habs threw a fit on him though. Looked like they all got zapped with instant-energy for some reason.
- Passing play looked good. I mean it started off a total slop fest but then they thread the needle, found all the lanes, and passed the puck on that horrible ice like they actually knew what they were doing.
- Weber got stronger as the game went on. He terrified me patrolling the blueline early on the many powerplay opportunities (if you watch Bulldogs games you'll know he's responsible for nearly all the shorthanded goals against). Then I saw him on the penalty kill, which was weird. But he had a huge shift in the 3rd followed by a great shift on the penalty kill. Promising!
- Maxwell was solid. Took a BIG hit to make a pass that ended up as a goal for Tom Pyatt. I'm so proud of him this training camp! He was also 7-for-11 in the faceoff circle at 64%. The highest on the Habs centers who took the bulk of the faceoffs. (Desharnais was also good in the circle).
- That said defensive zone faceoffs could use some work but Pyatt, Desharnais, and Maxwell each went 2-for-3 so it wasn't so bad.
- The Subban/Henry pairing is something no one wants. And Subban had a strange game. Could have done without the penalties... Henry was doing what he does best which is protection.
- Lars Eller is adorable. Three assists tonight, tenacious player.
- Dumont might want to check his height against Price before dropping the gloves on his cousin Keaton Ellerby. That's a 6'4" manchild on D you're trying to punch, you 5'10" shitdisturber :p
- Meanwhile Gudbranson will think twice before picking another fight with Travis Moen. First round draft pick? KAPOW!
- BOW BEFORE PLEKANEC!
- Gomez making fun of Cammy for doing the "what the hey I have a puck I will score" goal with 8 seconds left. It was beautiful. You know and I know Gomez was just jealous.
- Gomez's 3 stars: Spacek for not having 5 turnovers tonight, White for being awesome, and his boy Pricey for a job well done and he's happy he got a win. Awwwww~!
- Gomez's other 3 stars: Scott. Carlos. Gomez.

What we learned tonight other than Ryan White is the bees knees? PENALTIES! STOP IT NOW!!!

Pre-season: Is pretty useless to us when not on TV

Oh to win a hockey game while only making 11 saves. Tis but a dream! Or was that horrible Flyers game last year. Remember that one? It was right after the Centennial, and right around the time Peter Laviolette became their new coach.

An 11-save victory. Sounds like a Western Conference game.

It technically was as the Minnesota Wild--or more accurately, the Houston Aeros with Cal Clutterbuck--added another notch in their pre-season hockey losses by being downed 4-3 this chilly evening by Team B. First time I heard the crowd leave early in a win though. Sunday night, gotta wake up early I guess?

Gotta feel for the Wild a little. Well, no, actually I feel for Josh Harding. Injuries up the wazoo. Get's surgery over the summer. Signs a one-year deal. Then BLAMO! Gets slammed in pre-season and is now out with a torn ACL/MCL and could be done for life. It's too bad. I always liked that kid... Chubby (Khudobin, his head is so round) was in nets tonight.

Ryan White, Dustin Boyd, and Max Pacioretty had a solid, steady game. Also apparently steady? Well, let's just say the words "steady" mixed with the name "Alex Picard" frightens me...

Anyway, notes for Coach Martin:
- Keep puck away from other team.
- Keep puck in opposite zone.
- Forecheck aggressively and be aggressive.
= RESULTS!

Powerplay still needs some looking into though.

Pre-season: By the power of Greyskull

So while the latest flock of disappointed delusional pricks--I mean, fans head for the nearest bridge to topple off (PS, I give pushes for free!), it's too bad I don't seem to have any video highlights available but if any good comes out of this pre-season it's this:

Dear Tomas Plekanec,
Or should I call you Tomas Jagr? Maybe you'd like to be known as Tomas Datsyuk? Either way, those hands you apparently found? Please, please, PLEASE keep them once these pre-season games are done. Absolutely fantastic.

Love,
A fan and her hamster

Meanwhile, my scouting senses say "please fix this nao":

Holy fucking penalties, Batman! You guys both nearly clocked in 30 minutes EACH tonight!

And yes that really is TWO too many men on the ice penalties for the Habs.

Oh and Hal Gill, darling, hope the eye is ok but don't you fucking DARE trip Price in a real game when he's working OK? Gotta watch that extra-long stick. Thanks sweetie.

Pre-season: Take 2

Pre-season games, in all their nervous jittery sloppiness can sometimes be fun. However this requires a visual aid. The 5-minute clips on RIS do nothing but provide a fleeting moment. May as well wait for the highlights, if there are any. Via radio, especially today's boring version, the game lacks a certain je ne sais quoi. I don't know how Derek Wills does it, but the man describes the game with so much energy and enthusiasm that I can pretty much close my eyes and picture the boys skating, checking, scoring, blocking, saving, fighting in my mind. It's edge of your seat fantastic. The Canadiens, however, don't have the luxury of having their games vocally describe this way. Instead we're stuck with the dull tones or Rick Moffat on CJAD800 AM. Thankfully Sergio Momesso has taken away the long drawn out "weeeeell" of Murray Wilson. Nevertheless, it's still dull. Dull dulcet tones. Like Barry Manilow singing you play-by-play "action".

I can't see what you're saying. Ergo, you're doing it wrong.

Tonight's Team B faced off with the BarelySens with better results from Wednesday's debauchery (for lack of better terms). Sounded like a different system was being tested. You know, the one that actually got them better results last year? The aggressive forechecking one? Or maybe it was because of the more aggressive players like Schultz and White doing what Conboy did in the first game (ie. hit anything that breathes). And Lars Eller will make you forget that goalie they sent to the Blues. Mike Fisher definitely won't forget Lars Eller...

I'm sure the Sens took note on the video reviews: don't turn over the puck in the slot with Andrei Kostitsyn looking at you. Speaking of Andrei, he's on the point on the powerplay. While I found him better suited for the front of the net for that, please please please make a note of this Coach! Looks like they were trying out Guy Boucher's powerplay system. (Psssst, Coach. Ben Maxwell, on the point, trust me *wink*).

Ian Schultz beat out Alex Henry on the "who fights first" bet, and took on Cody Bass. All Henry really got was a roughing penalty later. Ryan White took on some douche who tried to take off Pacioretty's head. Guess he missed the NHL video class?

And now it's retarded non-stop games continuing tomorrow in Ottawa with the BarelySens again, back home for the Wild on Sunday, and a Monday date with the Panthers (who my brother says should just keep their pre-season team as the regular season team).

The Over-Under on Team B

Actually I don't really know who's on Team B per say...

- Auld and Mayer split net duties I guess because Delmas is still lurking around camp. If you boo/sarcastically cheer them I'm sending out The Squad.
- If you stand Gionta on Gomez's shoulders you get Lars Eller.
- Well not really, but it's close!
- Alex Henry will most likely punch Cody Bass and hopefully not break his hand this time.
- Kovalev is not a Hab anymore. Andrei Kostitsyn still is. Have some respect.
- Desharnais still won't make the team but watch how he wins faceoffs!
- We pray Pacioretty doesn't pop a shoulder while power forwarding into Jarkko Ruutu.
- It's not on TV so grab a sub and listen to Sergio Momesso (who was also a rather underappreciated Hab once upon a time) while pretending Rick Moffat is Derek Wills. (Pretend really really hard).

Inglorious Booterds

So me, Kyle, and theactivestick are forming a group. This group will patrol the Bell Centre, looking for those gutless pukes that hide in the shadows and boo Carey Price to satisfy some sick little demon that is obviously their true form. (I picked up a few things from watching Supernatural). The Bell Centre terrorists. You know the ones who say "I pay for my seats and it's my right to boo" types? We going to chop you up into itty bitty hamster bits. Then feed you to PJ Stock.

Seriously though. What part of PRE FUCKING SEASON do you not understand?!

And here I thought those Leafs "fans" booing their team yesterday after the 100th consecutive failed 5-on-3 powerplay were morons. Nope, Habs fans got them beat as the worst pieces of turd to ever cheer for a hockey team. OK maybe those Leafs fans were worse considering they actually got their tickets for free from a contest. You're still no better than them. Here I was laughing at their stupidity and you turn around and do the same fucking thing!

You're an absolute embarrassment. And you've also pissed off the other guys on the team.

If tomorrow I wake up and hear calls for Sanford to be the number 1 goalie on this team I think it's high time to burn the Bell Center down and tell the boys "Run! Flee! Save yourselves!"

This city. This "fanbase". They don't deserve you.

Back to the task at hand:
If 50 minutes of sealegged hockey was your thing, you might have managed to see the whole point of pre-season which is see the new kids and watch the regulars slowly get themselves into game form.

- Tinordi. He is absolutely fantastic. He's also the newly minted answer to the ultimate question of life, the universe, and everything. In other words he wears 42. He also totally dropkicked a bunch of our D-prospects off the list. He was the best defenseman out there tonight. So calm, so smooth, so everything I liked about Ryan McDonagh except more fluid and can shoot the puck. Oh and his vision. If he were a tad meaner/dirtier he'd be Pronger. And he's only 18!
- Leblanc didn't look out of place once he started breathing steady. Another great prospect in the making.
- I honestly didn't even notice Tyler Seguin. I only notice the Bruins up their old MAUL YOU defence and that Horton is still fugly.
- Palushaj! Definitely on the call-ups list.
- Pouliot. He was doing things right but...there's a but... He looks like he's trying too hard...
- Plekanec involved in everything and anything and both goals. He doesn't take long to shake off the summer rust.
- Lapierre is switching between the crazy selfish Lapierre he once was and the stupid Lapierre who doesn't look where he's passing the puck. But I'm sure he'll work it out. His skating looks fine now and I like that he's always around the net. Also good job locating that Czech Sausage shorthandedly.
- Weber really needs to shoot more and really should just come out when it's powerplay time. Although holding the blueline is totally not his forte.
- Maxwell gives me chills. He looks like a young Kirk Muller (in looks only, hence the chills). He's improved. Shifty, quick, smart.
- I totally called Conboy dropping the gloves in the mid-second. He dropped someone in the first and got a lame penalty for it (should have given the Bruins one too but I see the refs are already in fine mid-season form). He's not really a fighter though...more of a hitter.
- Dumont buzzes like a bee and needs to watch those penalties.
- Pyatt is still a joy to watch. I also noticed a few Bruins trying to check him over but they just bounced off him.

Team B should be in the next game. That would be Friday against the Sens. Hi, Corey Locke!

Pre-season: Just getting warmed up

Let's make one thing clear right off the bat: pre-season hockey is essentially a glorified warmup. It's for skaters to get their stride back. It's for goalies to get back to game speed. It's for shooters to find their angles. It's for defencemen to know when it's a good time to stickcheck or hipcheck. And it's for kids or journeymen to make an impression on the coach and maybe win a few hearts in the stands or with the press. Sometimes it's the only time a kid will get to play with one of the superstars, sometimes even with one of his idols.

In this hockey sick city, people make too much of intra-squad scrimmages in who's scoring goals and who's coasting around. In this hockey sick city we sometimes forget that a season isn't determined in pre-season.

But pre-season games can be fun! They can be equally intense. Last season we had a whole new set of guys on the team and a whole new set of staff members, so that was interesting. My favourite pre-season games were the two Detroit games two years ago (except for seeing Mathieu Carle getting knocked out into another solar system). It showed us Pacioretty when he was raw and not injured from smashing into people. We saw the save of the year even though it wasn't even the year yet. We saw Guy Carbonneau wonder what the hell is up with Mike Babcock not sending out the kids in the shootout like he did but rather sending out the veterans. We saw starry-eyed Bulldogs playing with Kovalev and chasing/injuring Chelios, or just starry-eyed from stepping onto the Bell Center rink.

Because not everyone follows the Bulldogs, it's also the only chance many Habs fans will see the prospects that may or may not make their way to the big squad. This year, you'll even get to see a few players that are still in junior: namely Louis Leblanc and Jarred Tinordi. Well also get to see who's really taller between Tinordi and Gill.

So when you seat your arses down in front of the TV or in the stands, no matter what you think of pre-season hockey just enjoy it. Because I know the guys on the ice are going to enjoy it. Hockey's back!

The over-under on Team A
- Price and Sanford will split net duties.
- Who gets a letter tomorrow? Gorges, Gill, Cammy, Pleks? Pleks was very captain-like when he was leading the B-Squad in Roberval.
- Palushaj gets to play with Cammy and Pleks. Pouliot's there too but he's checking his rear-view mirror on this one.
- Ben Maxwell is misunderstood by everyone.
- I give Conboy at least until the mid-second period to drop the gloves with someone.
- Pyatt and Lapierre will hopefully remain chained together.
- You will be captivated by Louis Leblanc's eyebrows.
- I will probably laugh when Tinordi goes out there next to...anyone.
- Tinordi could probably fit Pleks and Cammy in his jersey.
- I'm already starting with the Jolly Green Giant Tinordi jokes.
- OK I'll stop.
- It's 7:30 on RDS tomorrow. Tune in and start your own Tinordi Is Tall jokes.

Number31 has one more year to reach her number

Only 7 current Habs on the roster are older than me. Even Alex Auld is a year younger than me! And yet I still feel 18. I'm trying to figure out where 12 years of my life disappeared to. (Answer: Work. And public transit. Man that's kind of depressing). Sad that no Hab is born in 1980. Actually that's kind of weird...

So while the boys where getting tortured in their medicals, I was turning 30!

Spent the evening/night with friends I haven't seen in a while because we're all so busy with work. Went to Brasserie T! which was ok but I felt like we were sitting in a fish bowl because they stuck us in the front behind the window menu. Oh, I had the best cookies EVER for dessert. Basically, the description I gave was "cinnamon clouds". Heavenly. I didn't ask for gifts but some of my friends brought some anyway. A Timmy's card and giant REAL Kit-Kat (I was complaining at the lack of real Kit-Kats, being overtaken by chunky Kit-Kats), bath salts that smell of chocolate-vanilla, and this O-Tamatone my friend Kelly got me (he's always up to speed on interesting items):

My friend Justin (who's playing the O-Tamatone) suggested to name him Terry. I can play the beginning of classic Donkey Kong on it already. And part of Iron Man.

It was a great evening, capped off with today being the start of TRAINING CAMP! That's right people! Hockey is back!!! And Lapierre just went ballistic in the first scrimmage. Actually, seems all the "designated" 3rd-4th liners got the goals today. Going to be an interesting year, I think! :)

Number31 and the Waiting Room of Doom

...CONQUERED!

Well that was fun. Now it's time to wash the puppy and hope I don't need a wetsuit.

While you were tweeting or sleeping...

Or giggling over Dan Ellis' latest freakout over twitter twats taking the piss on his tweets about "you don't know what it's like to make a million dollars and have escrow" even though he's playing for a team that benefits from the League's handouts (and is I guess essentially paying himself to play hockey?)... Pierre Gauthier and staff were still hard at work when no one was looking and finally snagged something away from Steve Yzerman for once! Well, sort of.

Ok, so it's only Jeff Halpern, who's essentially a cheaper/younger Dominic Moore/Glen Metropolit with weak knees and no speed. But who needs speed when you're taking faceoffs or standing in front of a goalie eh?

He also doubles as Steve Staios' cape!

My brother later gave me his astute observation on this signing by telling me he went to two news sources: one English, one French. English one said Halpern will help the Habs depth with his veteran status and hockey nerd attitude. The French one called him a useless bum. I've determined he's a safety who gave Habs fans something new to gripe about. And shana tova! He's a fellow Jew from Potomac (where my uncle lives). This gives the Habs as many Jews on the team as Chez Nous Boys. Waiting for Bertrand Raymond to start blaming "money and ethnics" in 5...

On a scale of 1-to-5 Floating Creepy Pierre McGuire Heads (on my McGuire Drool Factor scale), I give him a 3.

Like all things, the drama ends in an anticlimatic fashion

Two years, just like I thought he would get. At 5.5mil, it's a standard 2nd contract for a player of his type and draft position. Whether you think it's reasonable or not is moot, I can list you a bunch of other goalies in easier markets both playing-wise and tax-wise who have done less with their career yet are in or just above that same number.

And if you insist on bring up his numbers of 13-20-5, perhaps your memory needs to wake up from it's insanity. Did you know that in those 20 regulation losses, the Habs score a grand total of ZERO GOALS in FOUR of them, and in EIGHT games they scored a whopping 1 goal a game? One of them includes such terrible performances as "A Night in Nashville" where Pekka Rinne announced he could have brought his iPod, and included such hits as a 2-0 53-save performance, plus a Latendresse lulled from his nap a mere 30 minutes from warmup because Gionta's foot finally split in two. Soon after we had a game in Boston that was 1-0 Habs until Pleks lost a crucial faceoff and Spacek dumped Chara into Price's face. That one ended in a kick ass shootout victory with Angry Price giving the Bruins what for. There was also a 1-0 afternoon loss to the Sabres, in what was known as the most boringest game I have ever seen. My favourite game was the one in San Jose, where Price was showing the world THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH HIS GLOVE HAND but there's everything wrong with this team's "wait and watch" plan. But since most people watch games the same way Pat Hickey does, I'm not surprised you don't remember how he was playing while spending all your attention on your beer and only looking up when a goal was scored, not bothering to see the inbetweens until a fractured replay.

Ironically the contract talks seem to have been way more calmer than the fan frenzy over the summer. Did I not say to chill, that it will be done? No one ever listens to me anyway...

Now you can all shut up about it. Or start fretting over who the next captain will be (again). Either way, I don't care. It would be nice if the Habs could trade Hamr off the books (sorry Hamr, it's not you it's the money) and send an offer sheet to either Marc Staal or a forward like Bergfors, but Kovalchuk Watch is still going and may send Luongo and Hossa to free agency...in fucking September. A cure for all this bullshit owner vs owner crap would be to DROP THE PUCK ALREADY!