Habs 4, Whalershitheads 5 (OT): Send more booze

I hope you choke on your champagne, Hassenfucker.

The Whalercanes spent an entire period worth on the powerplay, and the crowd had the nerve of chanting REF U SUCK when they gave their little fucker of an angel Eric Staal an actual penalty and an extra for being a bitch. Some of the calls were real, most of them were garbage. I think my favourite was Lars Eller's solid backcheck where he shouldered the guy off the puck and on his ass that somehow turned into a tripping penalty even though there was no stick nor feet near the guy's lower regions. Actually my favourite was the extra 5-on-3 the Whalercanes were gifted because the little princess in the stripes got his feelings hurt.

And then there was the poor coaching decisions. Let me see, PK on the ice: good stuff happens! Emelin, Bouillon, Diaz on the ice, GOALS AGAINST HAPPEN because they got their heads up their asses and aren't even looking in the right direction. Why the second those two came out in OT, the game ended. Good job, asshole. Except I fear what this team will trade to get better...

The only reason this team got a point here was because of Carey Price and a goal by PK. Actually I feel completely comfortable in claiming they might have even gotten a point, or hell even WON, if Price played the Panthers. I hope Fucale is watching because that shitshow he was backing up in Sweden earlier today ain't NOTHING compared to the garbage he'll have to deal with once he makes the NHL with this team...

This team doesn't deserve Price. Neither do most of the "fans" of these team either.

Go away, 2013. No one liked you.

Habs 2, Bolts 1 (SO): Carey Price

Thank you very much.

You know, I sometimes wish the NHL would adopt IIHF point system so players wouldn't dick around until they get the loser point and then dick around more in OT so they could take turns on the goalie in the crapshoot.

Would it maybe give players and teams more urgency to win in regulation?

(Of course I hate how gold medals can be won in shootouts in the IIHF so fuck that).

There was a whole lot of nothing in this game though. Too afraid to screw up. Not enough to take a chance. Dump. Chase. Snooze button.

Lars Eller is sick in shootouts. Even Ben Bishop being large couldn't save him.

World Junior Championship update!

He who shall be known as "Fuck you Vancouver for picking Jordan Subban ONE PICK AHEAD" is actually turning into a "Eh no problem Vancouver for picking Jordan Subban one pick ahead". Honestly, how much fun is Martin Reway to watch? I hope you're checking out Slovakia at the WJC this year. If he were Marko Dano's size people would probably talk more about him.

Let's see...
- Didn't look out of place in preseason. Actually looked like he should make the team by his own skill, will, and ability. But yea, is still very young.
- Continues to play well against teams that are defined as "way better than Slovakia".
- Continues to play well against the best teams with the better talent at the WJC.
- So much skill... Can the Habs borrow him for the powerplay?
- The puck is on a string with him. He's like a mini-Kovalev with a side order of Gallagher.
- Current scoring leader of the tournament!

As for the other Habs kids...
- De La Rose would be PERFECT for Eller's line.
- Collberg continues having a tough time scoring but still creates a lot.
- Lehkonen got hit AGAIN by De La Rose.
- Fucale probably would have made more saves than Paterson.
- Hudon proved that idiot Sutter he should probably play more.

Habs 4, Perds 3 (OT): Hobbitses...

I was just getting out of the Hobbit movie when DAYJARNAY outmuscled  a guy twice his height and weight and score top shelf to save the game that Marek Mazanek gifted them in the first period. And please. Your 6'4 204lbs defensemen got outworked by little David DAYJARNAY. It wasn't a slew foot you hitting from behind pieces of shit that got Markov thrown out of the game because the ref didn't call that and he voiced his obvious displeasure to the ref as you scored on it.

Also nice dive by your own guy earlier. So shut the fuck up.

But speaking of Hobbitses... I want to talk about Mr. Useless himself: Danny Briere.

Did the Habs give you that torch to light a fire under your ass? You don't want to "peak" too soon? You're saving yourself for the playoffs? Excuse me while I question this. We had Gomez do the same shit just before you came here and he didn't bring it in the 2nd playoffs so get your fucking ass moving you useless waste of space. Louis Leblanc is sitting in Hamilton trying to score with a goon and an ECHLer on his lines (though miracles of miracles they finally put him with Andrighetto but will probably not do that ever again because that would be productive). He would at least TRY. You bring NOTHING to the table. You kill hockey plays. You make every line you're on suffer. But it's everyone else's fault right? It's the coach's fault for not removing productive players to suit your fucking needs? (Even though he already fucked up with our best line and now totally killed Eller into the new Plekanec just to fix the other Hobbit, who at the very least is actually finally doing something). Frankly you can take your mush brain and your lazy play and your torch and SHOVE IT. Retire. Go away. Go back to Philly to see your family. And leave us alone.

And you can take your media hack friends with you.

Also get off the main Habs page. I'm ashamed you were given that torch.

Happy Festivus.

Habs 3, Coyotes 1: Tornado warning

Look out, Pacioretty!

Mike Smith Tornado Zone!

A cold front has slammed into the area. This mass of cold air hitting the mass of warm moist air from the south has caused instability for goaltenders 6'3" with curly hair and a short temper. Tornado warning in effect. Do not skate near the goaltender or you'll find yourself deposited in the penalty box.

Mike Smith is going to the Olympics. In Brazil.

After a cacophony of goal posts, Habs decided they remembered how to hockey in the third period, scored 3 goals including that elusive empty netter, pissed of Mikey Ribs, and added another victory in their sparkling record versus the Coyotes. That's right, Pacioretty. Next time you score, just walk over to the bench and shush their players. That's Mike Ribeiro approved!

Gorges saves a 4-on-1

Habs 1, Panthers 2: Nice of you to start early

Honestly, don't give a shit.

I think my favourite part of the game (other than when Galchenyuk scored) was when Eller was starting a rush up the ice and was blowing past everyone, made it to the Panthers' blue line where Briere uselessly cut in front of him for some reason, kicking the puck off his stick and turning it over then watched as Eller went all the way back to fix his shit. Oh oh and THEN when the Habs had a lengthy powerplay, Eller was benched while Briere got some time to fuck around by the wall uselessly.

Can we mail him to the moon please? I can't take any more of this shit. OH BUT HEY GUYS WE MADE HISTORY BY PUTTING AN ACCENT ON HIS FUCKING JERSEY. ÇA SENT LA COUPE!

Habs 1, Islanders 0 (OT): Kill it with fire

And then I can warm myself by it's burning embers.

Wow that was shit. About as shit as the game before in Philly which I happily missed due to a Christmas work dinner at a crappy Portugese place that served frozen bread, salad with hardly any dressing, I think my meal was cooked, and ice cold Creme Brule that tasted more burnt than it should be... And now Toaster and I are freezing by my lame base-heater. I really need to buy an electric fireplace or something.

About the only thing interesting was Lars "leads team in hits" Eller exploding Tavares clean and getting a penalty for it because Tavares can't tie his fucking helmet on properly.

Price shutout. Pacioretty scores. START THE CAR! START THE CAR!!

Example of Habs strategy.

Habs 0, Kings 6: To the bar!

The only cure is more booze!

Honestly this game was crap. Defense was atrocious, most of the forwards blew their assignments, two goals were allowed despite blatant interference, and Price got mercy pulled (thank god, because last year Therrien would just leave him out to dry). I don't even think I even heard Pacioretty's name all game.

This is why Quick can spend most of his games on his belly. Totally protected. And this is why his two backups can just slip right in while he's injured.

Anyway, hopefully this wakes the team up because they've been lucky 80% of the time. And the upcoming schedule looks promising. I don't lose sleep over 2 points lost to a good Western team much.

So hey, here's a hedgepig.

Habs 3, Sabres 2: Bored to win

What a boring, sloppy win. But I'll take it, so long as they don't do this next game versus the Kings because nevermind what your glowing historical record is on them...

- This win was made possible thanks to the fourth line, who was the best line tonight. And a Prusty goal to boot.
- I wish the Habs had drafted Zemgus Girgensons... How can we free him from Fuckalo?
- And Luke Adam.
- Both would be with the Bulldogs tho.
- Someone needs to remove Steve Ott's smelly ass from Price's face.
- Or just remove Steve Ott.
- The schedule appears to have hit these guys. PK and Markov are making sloppy errors, guys are just leaning on their sticks, staring at the puck and not going at it. My favourite is the attempt to clear the zone by waving their magic curve wands at the puck hoping to invoke the power of wind to move it.
- Price masks many of the errors though...
- For the second time this week, Desharnais nearly had his knees blown out by someone pretending not to knee-on-knee hit him.
- How purple did your face turn when Ennis did a spinorama on Markov's knee? He's fine! You can breathe!
- Considering how both Rinaldo and Thornton declared this "Grab A Guy Who Doesn't Want To Fight and Throw Him Down On the Ice and Punch Him in the Face Day" the Sabres were remarkably quiet and somewhat well behaved. Even shitface Ott! (Other than the knee thing with Desharnais).
- I think Nolan just really likes us.
- I had to check but I had no idea Matt Moulson played tonight. How weird is that?
- Of course Ennis scored so we could see his fugly face on screen.
- But it's ok because HAD PLEKS.
- Galchenyuk scored. Apparently he scores every 3 games now.
- Nice to know you can maybe play 5 minutes of hockey and win eh? AND get tied with the Pens as first in the East.

See you at the bar, jerks!

Habs 2, Bruins 1: Trumpets and all that fanfare

Allow us to bask in this glow...

First in the Atlantic, baby!

Exhausted? Check. Carey Price? Check. Bruins? Teehee. Got Pleks? Hell yes.

And they scored those goals after I noted how gassed they looked, figuring they won't score a single goal tonight. Reverse psychology!

Habs 4, Devils 3 (SO): Try again

This is our backup goalie, guys.

Cory Schneider might have to sacrifice a goat or two to get this New Jersey shootout thing down right.

- Honestly I have no idea how to recap this game.
- I mean, after Gionta's "fuck you Jersey" goal, Habs played like idiots.
- And it was dull. And it was BORING. Coking my pasta was more interesting and exciting.
- Prust uppercut Janssen. And we all nodded in approval.
- And suddenly, the third period was full of goals!
- Obligatory Ryder goal.
- If Ryder played the way he does against the Canadiens when he played for the Canadiens, he might still be one.
- The Devils thought they had this. Lars Eller laughed.
- Then the TSN WORST PLAY IN THE SPORTS UNIVERSE FOR TODAY (really) by PK Subban turning over the puck for Elias to score happened.
- I blamed the ice. Which probably is likely. Guys were falling all over themselves.
- Hey Team Canada, yea PK turned the puck over for that goal, but Therrien put him right back out there because the Habs needed a goal to tie it back up and WOULDN'T YOU KNOW IT like more often than not, they did with his help.
- Remember those long Gionta bombs from the point that never used to work? Well it worked.
- I repeat: IT'S NOT PHYSICALLY POSSIBLE FOR DESHARNAIS TO HIGH STICK A PUCK IN.
- If PK was this excited about tying a December game in New Jersey, imagine if these guys ever win the Cup?
- So why didn't Lars Eller not take more shootouts?
- Desharnais. Shootout. Cory Schneider tears.

Happy Birthday Habs!

Habs have the best record in the East over the last 10 games and are 2nd best in the NHL (Sharks are first). When Therrien said they want to coach the best team in the East, he wasn't kidding eh? Of course it helps he finally started doing things like what we were all screaming about. You know, by playing PK Subban more.

Hey look! Remember the Bruins? Yea those fuckwits are up tomorrow.

Habs 3, Devilzz 2: Old men bested by young men

HEAAAAAA!

Hell yes. The Devils and their old farts can get their discount trip back to New Jersey for the rematch in thist first of a home-and-home series. Speaking of which, who the fuck thought "A home-and-home series with the Devils is JUST what we need! Let's pick the speedy Habs team to do it too!"

Kill me.

- PK Subban had more saves than Brodeur.
- Carey Price had more saves than Brodeur. Haha Habs were outshot 22-9 by the end of the 2nd. And were up 2-1.
- Obligatory goal by Bernier. Seems to remind himself he's a hockey player when he plays here. Still not enough to warrant that 3rd star though. Wondering if he has family in the media or they've promised him a job later..
- Obligatory goal by Ryder. Because of course.
- Jagr has big feet.
- Bourque LIVES!
- What is with the slide whistle? Did Molson hire a clown to provide musical entertainment?
- Remember folks, Galchenyuk could technically join the USA WJC team. But won't, obviously.

Also this.

- Needed more yakety sax.
- I found video of Desharnais forchecking the Devils with great puck pursuit.

- PK Subban and Carey Price combine like Voltron into Subbrice, Ultimate Goaltender!
- Moen crunched Fayne and it was loud. And crunchy.
- Zidlicky tried to take out Desharnais knees. The refs ignored it.
- This game was so dull even the puck was refusing to join in.
- Pacioretty fist pump celebration, still being reviewed by Toronto.
- Plekanec and Eller went all beast mode preventing Brodeur from going to the bench.
- Regardless of the win, the broadside of the barn is totally safe. (Practice those empty net shots or give it to Price dammit).

Oh my god we have to deal with these fuckers again? At least that takes care of two Devils game.

Habs 4, Leafs 2: CBC tears

You know the Habs had a good night when CBC is a steaming pile of whinebags who can't hide their Leaf blankies fast enough. And once Sportsnet takes over it's will only get worse!

- Remember kids! When you score a kick ass shorthanded goal, and it's your second of the night, don't you dare sheath your stick like a sword! You might motivate the team you're beating 4-0 to play better for a whole 80 seconds!
- Seriously, they can't pull the plug off HNIC fast enough. My biggest problem is TVA taking most of it over from RDS. Lord help us.
- Can we talk about how Pacioretty had 5 shots on net in the first 5 minutes? At one point he had outshot the Leafs on his own. And outscored.
- Price had an assist on that Pacioretty goal. Already better than Bouillon.
- You may want to read the rulebook if you don't understand why that Leaf goal was disallowed. JVR went into the crease on his own and didn't leave. He was in the way. It's rare you'll find a ref that actually understands this. So shut the fuck up, Carlyle.
- PK hit Orr. Orr revenge hit PK. Parros challenged him. Orr said no. Parros then took the puck up the ice for a scoring chance? Yea that happened.
- PK Subban. Put that in your Team Canada pipe and smoke it.
- Obviously he's just too good for the Olympics. The Russians are trying to find a way to "borrow" him.
- Plekanec cross checked Kadri and we all nodded in approval.
-Then Plekanec scored a goal, and we all nodded in approval.
- I still got major feels over that shorthanded Pacioretty goal.
 

- JVR's goal was the reason why Philly traded him. Way too much awesome skill for them. Which means the Leafs will probably trade him again.
- Obligatory Mason Raymond goal. Yawn.
- CBC couldn't be anymore Leaf blue than their entire studio is GLOWLING LEAF BLUE.
- Galchenyuk was benched for the entire 3rd period. No problem. He's a coach kid. He understands that penalty was bad.
- Carey Price save dot gif. All of them. Especially that one. And that one. Ohhh that one was nice too.
- Yea he's so good he doesn't even get a star anymore. But he'll probably get the Molson Cup anyway.
- If there's only one thing these guys need to work on it's scoring on an empty net.
- Bernier now 0-3-0 vs the Habs, I think. Regardless of whatever team he's on.

Pacioretty had TEN shots on net. PK had 6 shots. CBC cried about powerplays in Habs favour, even though Leafs had twice as many but SHHH they believe if they suck up even more to the Leafs, Sportsnet will rehire them. All in all, great night for the Habs.

And a GREAT birthday for Toaster!