The Day Fun Died

Look! The Habs are saluting their crowd!

With the (sad, disappointing, useless, uptight, ageist, douchey) news that MT2.0 has from this day onward banned all future Triple Low-Fives as performed after a hard fought victory with great excitement and happiness by PK Subban and Carey Price, I've discovered--thanks to my super secret hamster spies--a list of the other "team concept rules" MT2.0 has pinned to the locker room cork board.

- All pink shirts are banned (coach exempted). As is Aaron Palushaj's plaid suit if he ever finds himself called up (or healthy). No cowboy suits either, Carey.
- Any excessive forms of happiness are banned. Brendan Gallagher is seriously pushing the envelop but we understand he may have a condition known as chronicus smilus syndrome. It may be infectious...
- PK Subban's mix tapes are banned from the locker room.
- If you find Nathan Beaulieu's mix tapes, burn them.
- Goalies, if you manage to win a rare nail biter of a shootout, you are banned from striking a pose. It might put sand in the vaginas of your manly opponents.
- There is no I in TEAM. There is however TAME.
- When you score a goal, please submit a written apology to the goalie you scored on and forward a duplicate to his teammates/coach.
- An updated list of preset answers are available in your 2013 playing manual. Do not go off script. This includes badly handled responses that will result into media controversies.
-  All photos and films shall be done in black and white. We're trying to bring back tradition by going back in time.
- If you have a problem containing your personality traits, we'll have Dr. Mulder poke at your frontal lobe.

The War on Fun has come to town.

RIP Triple Low Five 2010-2012

Habs 3, Bolts 4: I have an idea...

Hey guys!

Perfect plan! Once the whistle blows, shoot the puck into the net. Apparently it counts!

Regardless of it being a bad goal or not, you don't change the fucking rules on the fly while the ref is blowing the play dead and waving the goal off. Never mind on replay whistle blows with the puck on the line. But hey, let's allow another Sun Belt team to get everything it needs 'cause you know the money's tight and all. Sick of watching the Habs get hosed on the Intent to Blow call, but this is the first time I ever saw it overturned by someone two-thousand kilometers away in a mysterious room full of multiple screens including one with probably a dog on it (see HBO). Usually Habs score a goal on the Intent to Blow call, against Carolina. It's called every fucking time and screws us every fucking time.

And of course they never recovered from it. Suddenly defensively the Habs forgot what they were doing, while the Lightning miraculously remembered how to defend. Suddenly all the offense disappeared or went wide or deflected every wrong way while the Lightning were deflecting everything perfectly on net. And yes, the goal was shit but Price saved his team's ass more than enough times tonight to warrant a little extra help from guys who can cross the fucking red line...

Just prior to the bullshit goal that should have never counted, RDS was happily praising Cunney's 2-man-forecheck and the team's ability to beat the 1-3-1. They were cutting through the system like butter and I was left thinking: the Flyers couldn't do this? Clearly they were too busy throwing hissy fits over tactics instead of playing.

Whatever. Doing the two-step to either a playoff spot or Grigorenko. In the end I couldn't care less. I'm just sick of seeing the League change it's mind on the rules every time it involves this team. Whether it's Price holding the puck for nearly 8 seconds and not getting a whistle or Patches nearly dying on the ice... May as well just throw the fucking book out.

You forgot a Conference...

The great big BOG meeting on some radical realignment plan (that kind of looks like the old alignment plan) forgot to add the Outer Space Conference, which would realign the Bruins with Mars.


Mars needs hockey teams.

In all seriousness, other than proving to us that they don't understand the basic concepts of geography, I think the new Conferences are a load of crap. Mostly because now it'll give RDS more Tampa Bay to wank at.

Meet the new boss. Same as the old boss.

I don't even need to watch the video, really. I'm done trying to figure out this League. Every time Shanaban opens his mouth he contradicts himself against suspensions he didn't dish out or suspensions he did. Giving Pacioretty a game? Fine.

But THREE?!

About the only thing consistent about the NHL disciplinary committee has been their inconsistency.


On top of it all, Pacioretty is now a "repeat offender", while actually never-punished repeat offenders get off with a parade and front page news about what a hit they threw.

Tweet of the night to sum it all up:
@AndrewBerkshire Moral of the story, when you hit someone in the head, don't apologize. Blame them, then laugh about how it's funny they're hurt on radio.

Just as inconsistent as the previous regime with just as much bullshit.

Up your petard

So ShanaBan decided to ShanaBone the Habs with an explanation that left much to be desired. To me it sounded like an excuse, a cop out, and if I'm Clarke MacArthur I'm pissed off big time.

So what was it really? ShanaBan was doing so well. Is he tired already? Did he get pressure to slow down from those who don't like the new methods? Did Marty Brodeur threaten him by banning him from his own pizza chain? What could it be...

A-ha!
Damn you, Yzerman!!!

As disappointed as I am in hearing how ShanaBan dropped the ball on this one, I'm equally happy to learn that Campoli is doing fine and is with his teammates on their secluded team-bonding shindig. Lucky for the Habs they hired players with thick skulls.

Guess we'll have to wait for a player to lie motionless on the ice with his neck broken for the NHL to be real serious about head shots. Oh right.

---

Enough of that crap.

So Brendan Gallagher raced across the country to meet up with his team in Kelowna, got on the ice with barely any sleep after playing a whirlwind 5 exhibition games, scored a goal, hit the post, and had 2 other quality scoring chances that were denied by the goalie. His team lost but you gotta love that kid. He makes rainy days where you feel like a killer cold is killing you slowly into good days. (Yes, this was me since Saturday so excuse me if I'm a bit crabby because I still feel the same).

Have a listen to this lovely little interview of him. Aw shucks ain't he adorable?

And then there were two.

It was a riveting Game 7. Riveting, that is, if you enjoy smacking your head against a concrete wall repeatedly. The Lightning had no clue how to stay on side and looked more lost on the ice than my mom trying to navigate a map. (Hint: she once had the ski map to Jay Peak up-side-down). And the Bruins were not exposed for the slow, sluggish troglodytes they are but sure knew how to make 4 goaltenders appear. No penalties? Sure, OK there buddy. You may remember Stephan Walkom from such hits as "I Allowed Colton Orr's Goal When He Clearly Was Sitting On Scott Clemmensen" and "E-mails By Colin Campbell: Stop Calling Penalties On My Son". Coupled with the good Irish boy Dan O'Halloran, you do the math.

Since when does Game 7 dictate that you don't call penalties? What a joke.

And the NHL should be ashamed of themselves for allowing Nathan Horton to even step on the ice. The greatest taboo in the League is accosting a fan regardless of how much they're taunting you. Tortorella was suspended a game DURING THE PLAYOFFS for dousing an annoying Caps fan. Rypien was given 6 for shaking an annoying Wild fan. I think Sean Avery was reprimanded for something he did in the penalty box once. Horton sprayed the guy with water, then threw the bottle into the crowd after losing Game 6.

Of course he's the one that scored the ONLY GOAL, a sleepy tip-in while surrounded by a pack of bored looking Lightning players.

I hope you're satisfied, NHL. Go fuck yourself. And while it pains me to say this: GO CANUCKS.

Call me when it's Draft day.