Habs 6, Stars 4: Let's suck and win like nobody's business!

 Sometimes, licking a pole in -40 weather is what it's like to be a Habs fan.

Hey Team Canada. I hear every one of you droogs selecting it prefer Jamie Benn over Milan Lucic except of course Chiarelli who can go fuck himself if he thinks Lucic is better. That's like saying "I prefer the large slug over the quick sniper on extra-large ice where mobility and skill will be important". Oh wait! That's exactly what he's saying!

And just think, if Kunitz's "mystical" chemistry with Crosby punches him a ticket to Sochi, how about Tyler "Miley Cyrus" Seguin with Benn? Oh right, you don't like him. Never mind. Goals and speed are so overrated on big ice anyway.

- FoxStars used the term "vaselinity". That with Seguin's tongue and I feel like I need to clean my TV screen.
- PK Subban giving Lindy Ruff a refresher course on why he should be on Team Canada. Now I have a four point night. Ho Ho Ho Ho Ho.
- Hey icing. I hate you. Seguin with a completely open Jamie Benn, however, loves you. (Re. I still hate you).
- Pacioretty slipped through the Stars with much vaselinity for a breakaway goal. Still sucks in shootouts though.
- Also what an amazing assist by Subban on that goal. Take notes, other defensemen. This is how you clear the zone instead of getting forever trapped behind your net on the boards--oh what never mind, you'll never learn.
- Our D pairings should just be PK Subban with someone else. He can take it.
- And PK Subban is doing this awesome stuff stuck babysitting Frankie Bubbles, by the way...
- EVERY FUCKING TIME MURRAY AND DIAZ GET ON THE ICE, BAD SHIT HAPPENS.
- That penalty shot was bullshit. Also it's Nichushkin. He would have scored whilst fanning on his shot.
- This game probably would have ended 5-2 or 5-3 (because Seguin-Bomb) if the Habs would have stopped allowing the Stars to enter the zone with IMPUNITY. Also what the hell is with the 50 people in Price's crease. Get the fuck out and do your jobs!
- Speaking of which, there was always someone's butt in Price's face, and not just Garbutt's.
- We had an Erik Cole vs Douglas Murray footrace and it was...even.
- Similarly we had Douglas Murray vs Tyler Seguin footrace/match up and it was omfgwhatareyoudoingontheice horrible.
- All fans who bang on the glass should be using their heads.
- Since causing that (bullshit) penalty shot, Gorges was incredible. Actually it was the first time I felt I saw 2010 Gorges. I hope he stays! I missed 2010 Gorges...
- Remember Patrik Stefan? He who essentially murdered the Stars in the playoffs by walking to an empty Oilers' net and fucked it up and they lost? That's what Desharnais reminded me of on those breakaways. I mean Lehtonen was flat on the fucking ice. LIFT THE PUCK. Also NO TOE DRAG JUST SHOOT.
- I'm still laughing at the Stars who think the puck in Price's crotch a full foot in front of the crease was a goal. Try selling that harder next time, jokes.
- I'm sure Antoine Roussel's visor is on the IR now thanks to Travis Moen's fists. But +1 for playing Guile's Theme you nerds.
- It's been a while because coaching decided the best player to fuck around with to "get other lines going" was Lars Eller but KNEEL BEFORE LARS. That goal? I had Good Kovalev flashbacks.
- Hilarious: people actually think Lehtonen should have had that. Are you kidding me? Do you know hockey?
- Playing with fire: After every Habs goal, staff sent out Murray-Diaz pairing because we obviously think having hair is completely overrated.
- Pacioretty actually scored the empty netter. This is not a drill!

The Stars were apparently red hot and it showed. They just gave up on defense and went balls to the walls all out on offense. Actually their idea of defense was skating into people. Thankfully Habs realized this and decided they could score some goals here, or it would have probably ended poorly in OT. Again.

Still some terribly glaring issues, though. And the coaching staff repeating costly errors...

Habs 4, Oilers 1: Thankful for that warmup game yesterday

I spent much of the first half of the game wondering if future Hall of Famer Devon Dubnyk was going to one-up JoeyMac's easy night in Calgary. Then Gallagher happened. Saved by the 5'8" (with skates) wunderkid, and his twin Galchenyuk!

- It's amazing what those two can do with just 13 minutes of ice time.
- Yakupov also had 13 minutes of ice time. Ended minus 1.
- The old "get other guys who are stuck in neutral going" has caused Therrien to split Eller from his bros. Plekanec (who is still rather lost in space) got the Gallys while Eller got Briere and Pacioretty.
- I'm totally behind Eller with Pacioretty, but when stuff wasn't happening you had to wonder if our ONE working line was going to make a guest appearance in the 3rd. Didn't have to happen.
- Desharnais got tossed over to Gionta and Bourque. Did one fantastic takeaway, then fell on his ass so...
- And while he was completely non-existent last night, Bourque did the "fly down the wing and snipe one top shelf" that he always did to us. Except he hit the post. Or Dubnyk's face.
- For what seemed like an eternity, Habs did everything but score. Posts, simple practice shots, and a puck that walked the line...
- And of course PK plays Smyth properly on the penalty kill by clearing him from the crease only to have the puck deflect off the falling Smyth and in behind Budaj. That ended up being the premature play of night for the Oilers Sportsnet joke of broadcast.
- Of course they picked it right before Gallagher and Galchenyuk went 2-on-1 to score.
- Then again it's Sportsnet. You should see their Senators games. (Re: DON'T!)
- Budaj was surprisingly less of a ping pong super lucky goalie than he usually is and actually looked quiet and solid. However someone really needs to tell him to stop playing the puck. It's scary when he does. But it's PAYS to play him before December!
- Bournival's second game. Can we stop pulling him from the line up? Rest Moen if you want to play White.
- Beaulieu hasn't played much hockey lately and it kind of shows. Also pairing him with Bouillon is just a disaster. Tinordi is suffering because of it as well! If you're going to put a kid with a veteran, Bouillon is like not even on my first 10 pages of names. (GET ME HAL GILL!)
- Lars Eller did no score but was in absolute beast mode. So much so he lost his brain and hit Taylor "I get flattened 3 times per game" Hall. (It was indeed the 3rd time that game). Though a bad hit, the image of him standing completely remorseful over Hall with 5 Oilers hanging off his other arm was kind of funny.
- PK could stick handle in a phone booth with 2 other defenders in there with him.
- It only took Captain Planet Ference two periods before he remembered he's a douchbag and went after Gionta because HOCKEY!
- Speaking of douchebags, Perron seems like a douche.
- Dallas Eakins is upset another team is on the ice getting in the way.

Eakins does look like David Tennant.

- Dallas Eakins pulled Dubnyk with 4 minutes to go. Normally I'd be excited over this, but the Habs are allergic to empty nets.
- Pacioretty saved us from embarrassment and took the pass from Briere to score on the empty net. That said, I lost confidence in Briere actually scoring there.

Tonight we found out that a not-100% Josh Gorges is indeed better at hockey than a healthy Josh Gorges. Someone needs to re-tweak his MCL or whatever it was he had broken for 6 years. And in terms of tracking, Galchenyuk 1 Yakupov 0.

Habs 2, Flames 3: As per usual

It doesn't matter who's on the team, who coaches the team, who the GM is, what the culture is or how much character they get... The Habs enter Calgary and play like wet farts.

- At least we have PK. Beast Mode is always on.
- When he scored his goal he turned to the bench and screamed. If he's not our next captain, this team will forever be stuck on that halfway point.
- He also said they all had a terrible practice the day before and weren't prepared for tonight. Unlike most of the guys though he actually went out there and kicked this game's ass.
- I don't even want to talk about the rest of the defence tonight.
- That wide empty net is a terrible goaltender.
- Seriously. We have Price doing a fucking circus act and Francis Fucking Bubbles still clears the puck to a fucking Flames player while Curtis Glencross is owning the rest of the team.
- OK I'll talk about the defence. In 24CH I remember scaring Toaster as I burst out laughing when JJD singled out Diaz and told him to knock the guy on his ass, to take the body. Clearly you have no idea who you're dealing with here...
- SOFF.
- The fancy stats tell me the Habs were good at holding the puck and did fuck all with it for most of the game...
- Someone find a trunk and lock the Wunder Twins in it.
- If you're wondering who the Wunder Twins are, I'm talking Desharnais and Briere.
- Rene Bourque disappeared somewhere after puck drop. I think he went to have dinner with his family on the concourse.
- Easiest shit JoeyMac ever faced, save for that one Markov sequence.
- Therrien said ice time would be given to those who deserved it. Guess that was only last game. Or he forgot about it.
- LARS ELLER SCORES ALL THE GOALS.

- I didn't want to talk about the defence tonight but they were just so terrible that all they were missing was everything.
- They pulled the goalie with under 2 minutes left while on the PK and Bouillon cleared the puck to a Flames player THREE TIMES.
- Shockingly enough they didn't give up the empty net...but that was mostly because the Flames missed twice.

As they tiptoed through the first period, I said it looked like a terrible preseason game that ended in a 3-1 loss. You may as well play Beaulieu and Pateryn because unlike Diaz and Bouillon we can chalk up their errors to "learning experiences"! Also I'd rather have Tyler Fucking Bozak and David Desharnais. I SAID IT.

Oh yea, Gorges might be injured now.

Hey gorgeous!

In your face, haterz!

Now PK's brothers have more things to polish for him.

Habs 1, Sens 6: End

This is the way the world ends.

Not with a bang, but a whimper.

Heal up.

Suit up.

Eat up.

Cowboy Up.

And remember, LEAFS SUCK.

(Also remember, Habs lasted longer than the Canucks).

Habs 2, Sens 3 (OT): MONSOOOOON

They had the game in the bag despite the usual Tim Peel shitshow. While I didn't think the Zibanenoonepronouncesyournamerightanywayjad's goal was enough to be called kicked in, there was a guy in the crease who interfered too much with Price to get him set back to save his team from an end of period of fail and that's probably where he was hurt. I saw enough of a tug in the wrong direction to think it was a problem, and when he moved on the final save he probably aggravated it.

Don't look now but Gonchar and Karlsson are still going for those two "icing" calls. The rest of the team are all back in the dressing room.

Oh and right now, Bourque, Pleky and Ryder should feel like high holy SHIT for floating around that empty net and even allowing that final sequence happen. Especially now that Price is injured.

And you can't really blame Budaj. The guys in front of him were just standing around. In OT. NOT THE BEST PLAN.

I also have to question once again Therrien's bench management. The only reason that maybe kicked-in goal happened was because he had the wrong people on. Halpern should have been there to backup Desharnais on the faceoff. Instead Gallagher was forced to take it and lost (duh). Also Galchenyuk scores and got benched for it.

Well, it's gonna be FANTASTIC when they end the series here at home. May as well. Now with Prust and Price hurt. They've tried hard enough. These playoffs were gravy after a 15th place finish in a transition year where they somehow managed to fight to first. It'll make them better.

Unless of course Therrien still benches Galchenyuk after he scores and doesn't let PK play the PK next season...

To make myself feel better, I'll laugh at the Canucks. At least we won a fucking game DESPITE the injuries. Last I looked, Canucks are quite healthy, just...mostly invisible.

If you don't like watching the Canucks fail at life, he's a cute photo of Toaster and his new toy to make you happy.