Habs 2, Caps 3 (SO): Turkey

Hey Budaj. Stay in your net. You're not Carey Price.

Anyway, other than that, who the fuck puts a FRIDAY game at 5pm where one team is Canadian?! You know we already had our Thanksgiving. So while we're stuck in the Metro, or on a bus, or in traffic, we can't watch the team we cheer for.

Also while we eat. And I was out eating dinner, the game was on the tiny little TVs hanging from the ceiling. I did see this...

KNEEL BEFORE LARS!

I also saw Pleky and Galchy not score, while that little shit Grabovski did what I'm always yelling at guys to do in the shootout (ie. JUST SHOOT). Oh well.

Hey speaking of little shits, it's Leafs tomorrow. Can you see my excitement? It's also Toaster's birthday.

Habs 3, Sabres 1: Suffering SUCKotash

The Sabres are so bad that they even lost to a sleepwalking Habs team. In other words, Habs played down to their competition and still came out with the win. But there's only so many ways I can tell you how much they sucked... So, let's play Where on the Ice is Grigorenko!

Actually never mind. Didn't even notice he was playing.


Meanwhile Lars Eller showed everyone how it's done by mesmerizing Ryan Miller then passing it to Markov who shot it into a wide open net. They gave the goal to Galchenyuk because it apparently grazed his jersey.

I think we'll call this Buffalowned.

Also if PK Subban can kindly teach Diaz how he grabs the puck and fires it out of the zone whilst on the penalty kill, it would reduce my stress level immensely. NO ONE does it better than PK. But he's a defensive liability right guys? Right.

By the way, Buffalo sucks so much they gave the 3rd star to Drew Stafford. How hilarious is that?

Habs 3, Pens 2: Whine and cheese

Whilst out celebrating my mom's 60th birthday, Habs were taking on the Penguins. Or, as I like to call it, PK Subban annoying Sidney Crosby forever.

- It's Pacioretty Week! Two more goals!
- Eller and Galchenyuk are being wasted by Prust. Sure Prust is a great energy guy, but he's not Gallagher. The least you could do is rotate a double shift of Gallagher, Pacioretty, and Bournival.
- When the Penguins waste opportunities early (ie. gifted powerplays) they turn into the whiniest whinebags ever and frustrate themselves into a hole.
- Fleuuuuuuryyyyyyyy.
- Did you know D'Agostini is a Penguin? I just remembered.
- Also just remembered Chocula is an assistant coach. That's pretty funny, considering what happened in 2010...
- Carey Price > Fleury
- By like a hundred thousand miles. And kilometers.
- Pleky beating Crosby on the faceoff matchup. All. Night. Long.
- Gionta pissing Crosby off. All. Night. Long.
- Ya I can't even blame Fleury for that 2nd Pacioretty goal. That release was ridiculous.
- You know what happens when you've got 3 minutes left in a game, and you were doing so well matching up lines and then you THROW OUT BOUILLON-DIAZ whilst Malkin-Neal are on the ice? You get two pylons and a goal against.
- So if PK is "too risky" for Team Canada, what the fuck is Letang?
- Meanwhile Team Russia is looking for some loophole to put Subban on their team.
- Not really, but they should.

I remember hearing how Habs will drop both these games on the radio. Please keep saying that so the opposite will happen, thanks.

 Peter Budaj, stealing yer stick

Habs win, Bulldogs win

I plunked down $60 and ended up a few feet from the glass at the Bulldogs-Crunch game. Two tickets, $60, near the line of fire of all the pucks. Actually one puck deflected off the top of the glass, through the netting and off some little kid's head. Oh he was fine, he got a puck and was super happy about it.

My phone kept me up to date with the Habs game. And they were kind enough to put it on the jumbotron between periods.

Go Team Blunden!

Habs 6, Wild 2: How to break your slump

It was boring defensive crap so Prust took out a sword and cut up Konopka.

And hopefully not going into another. Remember, last time the Habs destroyed the Wild 8-1, they got shut out in the next 3 games.

Habs took a gamble to break their slumps.

- "Therrien reunites last year's most productive line" by breaking up this year's most productive line. You can count your lucky stars it worked.
- As much as I think fighting is dumb, I totally advocate punching Konopka.
- Should have taken on Matt Cooke too.
- Who's still a piece of shit.
- If Chara didn't attempt to murder Pacioretty, Pacioretty would have been seriously injured on what is now a rounded end stanchion.
- It also woke up Pacioretty.
- I don't care how many minutes Suter plays. When your other options are Spurgeon, Scandella, Stoner...yea you'll play Suter as much as you can.
- The Wild were playing tighter than a Ken Hitchcock trap. It took a goal off Pacioretty's foot to get them spiraling into disarray.
- Which of course prompts the usual "Wild didn't show up" crap. Bulllllshit.
- And then Pacioretty scored a natural hat trick.
- If you analyze PK Subban's low accurate hard shot, you can see why Team Canada wouldn't want that. It's too fucking good for them.
- Pominville: population none. Once Harding was pulled, even he disappeared.
- Kuemper is a terrible goalie. Habs should have fired pucks like mad at him.
- The way Bournival did for his goal. Turn. Shoot.
- Regardless, Habs were finding new ways to blow Price's stats down the toilet. One was by pushing the guy into the puck and into the net!
- Dany Heatley still exists. Apparently.
- Hey Wild, would it kill you to play Dumba?
- Galchenyuk worked for an extra half hour after practice on his wrist shot. Scored on his wrist shot.
- I would kill to hear a mic'd up Galchenyuk trash talking.

See what happens when you have a competent fourth line? Moen-White-Bournival. Keep it like that. Also Bourque can stay out with that lower body injury.

Hat tricks and the Minnesota Wild eh?

Habs 0, Rangers 1: Was the party that great in Columbus?

I know Desharnais scored the shootout winner last night to win the game in Columbus but did you guys over-celebrate it or what? Yea I'd probably save the champagne for when he scores a goal with other players on the ice, as opposed to the CLEAR EVERYONE version.

Sigh. Another wasted Carey Price effort. Another loss. And right now, the play of Rene Bourque has me pinning for Benoit Pouliot. IT'S THAT BAD!

Only goal support he's going to get.

Habs 3, Lumbus 2 (SO): Obviously

Columbus "scores" two garbage goals in the first, one off Gorges' skate and another that shouldn't have counted due to incidental contact. Galchenyuk scores a gorgeous goal to end the first and Eller bangs home a rebound on the powerplay in the second. Both teams dick around for the rest of the game. PK Subban skates circles around everyone in OT only to have Markov turn the puck over. Galchenyuk make a hilarious fuck up in the shootout. Lumbus sends out some guys I have no idea who. (Sure as hell ain't no Rick Nash anymore). Desharnais does the only thing he's really good at now: scores in the shootout.

TAKE THE POINTS AND RUN.

My eyes are still hurting from squinting with how terrible this game was filmed. Shame on you, Lumbus. Get some real cameras.

Habs 1, Lightning 2 (SO): So soff

 Dey soff.

Carey Price vs the Lightning. And a few other guys appeared to help.

- Jon Cooper looks like Marty McFly.
- Hey everyone! Let's watch that Stamkos injury some more! In five different angles! And in super slow mo.
- Carey Price.
- Carey Price? Carey Price.
- Did I mention Carey Price? Carey Price.
- Carey. Fucking. Price.
- And PK Subban had almost 30% of the Habs total shots.
- I would have had more shots than the Habs, but I'm out of booze and waiting for my parents to bring me more from Jamaica.
- Bourque dumped the puck, but it never crossed the red line. Instead, he rolled his eyes and went to the bench while the Lightning had a rush beck the other way and hit the post.
- Hey jackasses. You don't know the fucking rules? READ THE FUCKING RULES. Incidental contact means NO FUCKING GOAL. Shut the fuck up you stupid SunSports jokes.
- Cheering for Daniel Briere makes me ill. But if the puck goes in I'll be happy. Scored with his crotch.
- Epic OT penalty kill.
- Ben Bishop is 6'7" with a 5ft five hole. Sure, go glove side. Three. Times.
- Actually Price got the 5 hole by angrily flinging the puck down the ice all the way into Bishop's net. He apologized.
- I order the Habs to watch 500 YouTube videos for inspiration in shootouts. Or next time pick up Linus Omark when he's on waivers. Oilers won't care.

Out worked. Out shot. Out everything. Da fuq are you doing, Habs? Another wasted effort by Carey Price, who probably has the best save percentage coupled with a .500 record in the League.

Habs 4, Islanders 2: Kiss it

Now, can we please stop breaking up this line and leave Parros benched? Thanks. And yes, Denis Coderre, I've been on the "send Desharnais to Hamilton" for months now. No one will pick him up on waivers.

Habs 1, Sens 3: Derp

I give up. Should have set off the fire alarm earlier.

Habs 2, Blues 3 (SO): Throw another pie in his face

For once, just once, I would like someone to ask Therrien some tough questions. Are media members afraid of him? Are they concerned they'll piss off their old RDS buddy? Does he need the kid gloves, spilless, and spork?

Let's try one.
"What was your thinking in shortening your bench only after you had repeated your errors from Friday's game by allowing the 4th line out randomly in the 3rd where they got scored on, again, when you had the lead? Was that not too late?"

Another one:
"You were given one powerplay with the game tied. Why was Martin St-Pierre given more time on this powerplay over Galchenyuk, Gallagher, Eller, Pacioretty, Bourque and Plekanec? Was this not a good moment in the game to go for the kill?"

Maybe one more:
"Was there any reason as to why PK Subban was essentially benched with the game tied and three minutes til overtime for Bouillon and Murray?"

Guess it was ok to ask these things and hang these blown 3rd periods on Jacques Martin. Get some balls, press. Or get Jessica Rusnak back in there.

By the way, I don't give a rat's ass about breaking the shot blocking record. "I know one thing, when you're blocking a lot of shots, the puck's in your end a lot." Ken Hitchcock said that after the game. I think he knows something about hockey.

Also I'm tired of "giving the other team credit". You're in your home. You were up 2-1. Fuck them. You put your fourth line out, and Parros is too slow to get to the guy on the point. Bang. Puck bounces off 4 elbows past Price who was standing on his fucking head to get you a win against a top team.

This is why this team will be a pretender: shit coaching will be their undoing.

Habs 1, Avalanche 4: My what fantastic high draft picks you have

Yea it pays to leech off the top of the draft for a few years. Just imagine a few Galchenyuks on the Habs. That's basically the Avalanche.

Suck to win!

- Retiring a grand number like 52 just seems odd. Also seems like a "they gave me this number out of camp" number. Or a "I combined 5 and 2 because I used to wear those and they were both taken" number.
- I can't send enough flowers to the Eller line that would fully express my love for them.
- Sucking thin air.
- The Avalanche have FIVE guys in the net. FIVE. You could put a block of wood in there.
- That's fronting done fairly properly. Basically not enough room to do shit so the guys at the point can shoot all they want and pray something bounces in. But get close enough together and the puck won't bounce to the hidden open man like last night.
- Pretty sure there were too many players on the ice when Landeskog took the puck and scored but HAHA who am I kidding.
- These refs are fucking morons. Ok don't call the first trip on Pacioretty but the punch to the back of the head was a fucking joke. And of course they scored right after that.
- Giguere is not a god of goaltending. He was tossing rebounds left and right. Mostly Bourque just skated over them. STICK ON THE ICE!
- I hate you filet desert. Especially when the puck does not go into you.
- Gallagher was absolutely possessed. Fitting it was he who cashed in on PK's perfect wrister to the net.
- Looks like DD has reached the end of his rope. Benched in the 3rd. Galchenyuk took the center position between Gallagher and Pacioretty.
- Speaking of Pacioretty, I was thinking his return in a game with thin air might not have been the best. But then normal Pacioretty showed up in the 3rd for a bit.
- Yup. Apparently the ref has to explain to the crowd that the high stick was not a penalty because Bourque had shot the puck and therefore it was a follow-through and not a penalty. Maybe just hand out rule books at the door?
- Seriously. They're a rather stupid crowd. I'm sorry.
- Everyone will pile on PK for that giveaway behind the net but you know what? No one will pile on Markov basically waiting for the puck to come to him. O'Reilly never stopped moving.
- Probably no one will pile on Bouillon for that lazy fucking attempt to clear for a change which was basically him leaving the puck at the red line and just going "oh well" then stepping off the ice while play went back to their own zone...
- Hey Therrien. You lost the game. I don't ever want to see the fourth line out on the ice like that. That's not how we do things.

Take your thin air and suck on it.

Habs 3, Wild 4: Coaching a loss

Hey coach. I know you like those fourth line guys and all, but not noticing the pattern pretty much cost you the game. They're on the ice, they get scored on. You benched them after the 2nd goal, then allowed them back out in the 3rd just as your team was rolling fine with 3 lines and boom, another goal against. That one was particularly terrible because of the terrible lack of attempt to backcheck on Parros' part and the statue-like attempt by Murray on the passer.

And then we get to watch Frankie Bubbles just stand around while the puck bounces to an open Pominville. C'est pathetique.

- Lars Eller, Alex Galchenyuk, and Brendan Gallagher are just so beautiful.
- With Markov and Subban, we're talking glorious.
- Too bad they can't play all game...
- NO ONE LIKES YOU POMINVILLE. POPULATION 1.
- Seriously fucking cherry picker.
- I can't wait for Briere to return so Leblanc can go back to Hamilton, SAID NO ONE EVER.
- Just look at him! You can't tell me this team is better with Briere.
- Though at this rate, maybe he can also just replace Desharnais...
- Bournival is also fantastic. All he missed was a goal tonight.
- PK goal? Big Karl on my TV!
- Seeing the dads all up in the stands watching their boys was just great. Too bad the coach had to fuck it all up.
- I have a suggestion: Play Douglas Murray at home, play Greg Pateryn on the road.
- Do it.
- JJD's stupid "fronting" defence is what happened on the winning goal. It was equally dumb because the puck could have just as easily bounced off Bubbles and in.
- What makes it worse is it was right after a killer shift by Markov showing WHY he should be a Hab for life. Even falling on his butt he still made an amazing play.
- The game needed more TV time of the dads. PapaPK, PapaGallagher, PapaGionta, and PapaBournival got some TV though.
- Let's go Wi~ld!
- Dudes, your team's name is one syllable. What is that chant?
- PK protecting that empty net because he's such a defensive liability guys!

Josh Harding is probably the best story in hockey. That said the Habs deserved better tonight. If not for their own inept coaching decisions, they probably would have taken this game. And tomorrow it's off to Denver to dance dizzying with Patrick Roy. I hear Pacioretty might be back. I'm also taking my family out for dinner. Thinking I'll enjoy that way more...

Habs 2, Stars 1: Primodial

Of course he meant "primordial".

Too be honest I thought this would be a loss. Mostly because Lehtonen tends to give this team fits regardless of who's on staff. And Jamie Benn is awesome. Then I remembered Lindy Ruff is coach. The Dallas Stars are now the Buffalo Sabres with less douchebags.

- All we are saying is give Douglas Murray a chance!
- And so far so good. Six hits. Never mind his bumping his own nose on the glass or the weaksauce interference penalty they call him for.
- Pretty sure after he hits someone he rolls up his sleeve and makes another mark.
- They say this Crankshaft is a bad mother. Shut your mouth! ♪
- I didn't notice but was Erik Cole or Tyler Seguin playing?
- I'm sorry. People will say Desharnais did well tonight. He did and didn't. So status quo. I saw him pass the puck badly, behind both his linemates, get the lucky bounce back to the D who sent it to the net where Leblanc and Bourque were crashing and banging and making it count.
- Alex Chiasson brought 52 people to watch him. And Price robbed him of his baseball goal.
- Can you please stop with the crap about Eakin's goal? A hard sneaky snap shot hiding behind PK wired to the goal with everyone frozen in time is not a banana and it pisses me off whenever a goal goes in the fucking trolls come out of their caves (who were apparently quiet for 40 minutes). Also apparently it negates all the incredible work Price and the D did holding the Stars off.
- But it's totally cool when Pleky does it right. Get over yourselves. Habs were still winning.
- Also considering the Stars should have scored about 3 goals right before that when they held the zone for what seemed like 5 minutes with poor Douglas Murray huffing and puffing around...
- But the Habs also should have had at least 300 wide open empty net goals. Shit happens.
- Speaking of empty nets... You could probably pull your goalie with 5 minutes left and not worry with these guys.
- Diaz scored by shooting the puck wide. Bounced off Robidas.
- Actually they ended up crediting it to Bournival, since it bounced off him too.
- He then continued shooting the puck wide. Hilarious.
- One of these days someone not named Blunden will finish a PK Subban dipsy doodle rush...
- Erik Cole did not troll us.
- GUYS. GALCHENYUK!
- Also PLEKANEC. LORD OF TWO WAY HOCKEY.
- I'm still laughing at that puck sitting in the crease for like a full minute with everyone looking at it before Bouillon fired it out of the zone.
- Alex Chiasson got the RDS home town discount 3rd star and did not wave to the 52 people who came to see him.

Gopher State they go. Go for it. Ok I'll stop.

Habs 2, Rangers 0: Billions

Habs continue their tradition of wrecking the Rangers' collective lives.

- Plekanec continues his tradition of scoring mucho points against the Rangers too.
- Oh that was pretty. If that was the only goal of the game, thank god it was that.
- As far as home openers go, I think  announcing the rosters and dropping the puck works best.
- Budaj on FAIYAAAAAA!
- The Rangers nearly did what Hamhuis did and Desharnais still can't get a fucking goal.
- I'm thinking at this rate, the better linemate for Louis Leblanc might actually be Tarnasky because Desharnais sucks ass.
- It's good that Pleky scored that fantastic goal because Galchenyuk's probably shouldn't have counted.
- However Mika Zibanejad approves!
- Seriously though. We never get these breaks. THIS FEELS WEIRD!
- Benoit Pouliot checks to the head enough he might get suspended one of these days.
- Though I'd say playing him is punishment enough...
- Gionta had a hat trick of penalties.
- Douglas "Crankshaft" Murray appears! If he tucks his arms and legs in and slides down the ice on his belly, he might make it back in time to break up the play.
- Solid hit though. Too bad it was a bit late.
- Where is Brad Richards?
- Keep chewing that gum, Vigneault.
- Billions in renovations and the end of period buzzer still sounds like it was taken from the local laundromat.
- That's a pretty scoreboard though.
- Rangers are so good at blocking shots, they block their own!

Money.

Good thing Habs won this one. This week is the week of back-to-backs, which includes travel and Western teams and plenty of different sea levels. Old North Stars tomorrow, new North Stars Friday, and I'm thinking Budaj gets the Avalanche next Saturday, being his old team and all.

Habs 0, Sharks 1.5: I have pie edition

My saving grace is that I have pumpkin pie. I win.

- Someone please save us from Desharnais.
- Bell Center needs to fix it's fucking glass.
- Stop saying Price needs to stay in his net. You love it when he doesn't and the Habs get the puck out of the zone quicker. He's a huge key to that transition.
- Zone entry works how?
- Felt like Habs were on the penalty kill all game.
- Joe Thornton left his friend in his pocket, thank god.
- If Eller's line played all game, things might have been less annoying.
- Travis Moen needs someone to put the fucking visor on for him. That was VERY close to his eye.
- Logan Couture has giant front teeth. He might be part rodent.
- I'm very annoyed at Diaz. I'm very annoyed at Diaz on the penalty kill.
- In games like these you must UNLEASH THE PERNELL KARL! Let him take the puck coast to coast! Let him create! And damn the consequences!
- Quote of the night:

David Deharnais couldn't finish a sandwich #habs #sharks
— Clay Bates (@baters) October 27, 2013

Positives schmositives. Moral victories still signify no two points.

Habs 4, Ducks 1: Koivu

This is all we need here.

A fitting tribute by the fans, and a kind gesture by Boudreau to put him out on the ice for the final shift (where he lined up by the new number 11, Gallagher). Chants of "SAKU! SAKU! SAKU!" echoed around the rink. L'Antichambre we gracious enough to put their bias aside and nominate him the third star of the game so the fans could properly send him off with another ovation and a solo skate.

As for the rest of the game, total team effort.

- Everything  they did wrong against the Oilers they did right tonight.
- Early 2-0 lead made us all dubious regardless.
- Plekanec was a beast all game.
- Corey Perry had his usual shit fit and attempted to take out PK.
- Gionta takes a high stick to the face and no one argued it was because he was short. An actual 5-on-3! Proceeded to take 4 swings at the net. Fourth one was a goal.
- Can you believe Chris Lee called a better game than the shitshow we saw for the two previous games?
- The only real blemish was the terrible attempt by Diaz on a 2-on-1. Markov and PK need to help him with that... He's just really bad at it.
- When was the last time a Maroon scored on the Habs? In the 1930s?
- Bourque accepting a stretch pass by PK for what seems like the 3rd game in a row now.
- But it was his backhand that finally worked.
- I find Hiller really not as good as he used to be...
- Things must be good when they're winning 4-1 like they were before.
- Still gave up over 30 shots though.
- Bouncy shots too.
- SAKU! SAKU! SAKU!

Seriously. All the feels.

Habs 3, Oilers 4: Signs

Do you know the giant oarfish?

According to Japanese mythology, the giant oarfish which normally lives deep in the ocean tend to surface and beach themselves as a warning bell to major earthquakes.

Two of them have washed ashore on the coast of California. Doom and gloom, folks. It's a sign!

Meanwhile the Habs come out like gangbusters, get a 2-0 lead, then piss away the rest of the game to lose 4-3 because without Lars and the Real Gallys, NO ONE ELSE DOES ANYTHING. And I think PK Subban's wheeling and dealing is being wasted of non-finishers. It's annoying. He creates so much magic, and then his target fails to complete anything. May as well just do it all yourself, PK. DAMN THE HATERS.

But if Dallas Eakins needed to use Lars Eller's misquoted pregame factual commentary on the Oilers to motivate his team, then he should probably quit his day job now. And his night job.

And by the way, Eller's comments essentially echoed Eakins and other Oilers staff own commentary on how their players need more structure and have to stop playing like a Junior team who focuses solely on personal stats with a more two-way game so I don't know what the fuck he's gloating about. You fucking scratched Yakupov last week over the same fucking thing you fucking asshat. Enjoy your win of the week.

(By the way, I'm not shocked at this outcome. Frankly I was shocked the Oilers didn't take the lead earlier. Habs always shit the bed against unstructured teams like this. See Islanders games).

However, this game wasted a gorgeous play by Gallagher. It's a shame. I haven't seen a Hab shoot off the bench, steal the puck at the blueline, walk around a defenceman and score top corner like that since Cammy did it in Winnipeg two years ago.

Hamr Time!

 
Roman Hamrlik has announced his retirement.

So to celebrate his career, the Habs will all puff their cheeks, throw three delay of game penalties, give up the blue line, trip the player on a breakaway, then crash out spinning into Price with the puck following, giving up a goal to the opposing team. Opa!

I wonder if the Habs will find him a place in the organization, maybe working with the younger D? After all, he lives here now.

Habs 1, Perds 2: EMBEZZLEMENT

Tonight's officiating crew.

The truth is out. And people called us paranoid. People called us ridiculous. Well, where are those people now?!

- Seriously. PK skates down the ice with Nystrom on his back who finally pulls him down and the ref calls a hold and dive.
- Instead of "embellishment" (which was ass over fuck you crazy), the ref calls it "embezzlement".
- Freudian slip! Check his ProLine!
- Perds went nuts when they scored a goal that basically bounced off Prust and Gorges on the end of a 5-on-3.
- I was sure they were going to call another penalty on PK for "skating with the puck", or "attempting to cause offense", or "existing".
- Shooting the puck over the glass like a boss. The ghost of Roman Hamrlik has come to haunt us.
- Gorges gets a blindside hit to the head, no call. Briere gets a leaping hit to his head without the puck, no call. Not even interference. But Tinordi be damned if he battles on the boards with someone!
- The 18-year-old Seth Jones is trusted more by his coach in all situations than 24-year-old NORRIS TROPHY WINNER PK Subban is by his own coach. Think about that for a second or five.
- Gaustad still goes after smaller guys, pisses his pants when Tinordi comes to say hi.
- Markov forgot how can haz hold blue line.
- Half the team looked like they were stickhandling with telephone poles. Which caused Jones' goal to happen, Moen.
- Rinne nearly did a Bernier.
- The only players that showed up really were Price and the Eller line. Guess who scored for the Habs? The Eller line. Twice.
- Except the ref at the goal pointing at the net calling the second one a goal was overturned by 3 guys at the other end of the ice. And apparently the call on the ice stands, just not on this ice.
- Price continues his trend of posting ridiculous save percentages against the Perds and losing.
- This team doesn't know what to do when forechecked. Especially Diaz.
- They pull Price for the extra man, but considering how shitty the power play was all game I don't know why they even bothered.
- Also they broke the rounded glass. I thought for certain they'd make 25 seconds into another 5 minutes...
- I guess we can play with broken glass now.
- Shockingly didn't give up the empty netter no matter how hard they tried.

Considering how shitty Briere was playing, I wanted Leblanc up in his spot for various reasons. One, he's actually playing as a winger. Two, Lefebvre is once again wasting our time and sabotaging his by putting him with a grinder and a facepuncher. And three, he can probably skate more, do more, want more than what Briere is showing us. That said they probably won't even call him up. They'll probably call up Dumont for whatever reason. With Briere and Prust probably out now, maybe they'll call both...

Also can we please just keep Brolieu up? That 2nd powerplay unit is SHIT.

Habs 5, Lumbus 3: It's a bird! No, it's a plane! No, it's....

Tomas Plekanec, shot out of the Lumbus cannon and saved the game with little over a minute left! All you idiots who want to trade him for whatever can kindly come here and get bitten by my dog. (He's got sharp little teeth).

- All day I heard about the "return home game let down". Honestly I was more concerned with the team getting shutout, since that usually happens after Price gets a shutout. It's like they get more complacent than usual.
- Instead, Bourque was as pale and translucent as a ghost with the flu, used it to cherry pick a super stretch passed by PK and scored a goal early!
- Seriously, someone cough on all his things. He plays so much better when sick.
- Imagine your first goal was Subban spin to Markov for a one-timer past the last Vezina winner? Happy goal day, Bournival!
- The local refs were in town. Naturally they had to put on a show!
- PK threw a perfect hit. Ref calls him for an elbow. Apparently the ref has his own elbow up his ass.
- Habs looked pissed over that call. So they scored shorthanded.
- Good thing they did because they fucked around on the penalty kill right after and gave up a goal.
- Boone Jenner was supposed to do these things, guys.
- Our faceoffs were horrendous. But this isn't news.
- I'd like Briere to take that torch the Habs graciously handed to him and use it to light a fire under his ass. EVEN GOMEZ IS DOING BETTER.
- Naturally with Patches on the mend with a strained hammy, RDS thinks Habs should bring in Simon Gagne. Because one useless old injury prone Chez Nous ex-Flyer wasn't enough eh?
- Wisniewski looks weird without a full face cage. But I give it time.
- Ever since they removed Eller from the Gallys to "jump start" other guys, he's looked out of sorts. You have officially fucked with his mojo!
- Regardless, I can watch Eller and the Gallys with Markov and Subban run a power play all night, even if they don't score. Which is also why I can't stand it when Desharnais and Briere are out there first more often than not instead...
- Pretty sure Johansen's shot broke the sound barrier.
- Carey Price is jumping hurdles! Send him to Rio!
- Considering all the abuse Gallagher takes, he's going to have to end up dead before these idiots call a penalty.
- There was a sequence where Lumbus shot from the point wide on purpose for a tip-in goal. Fortunately for us, Price went all Mentalist on the play and was in position before the guy could even get the puck.
- With a minute left and the game tied at 3, Pleky walked over the blue line and shot right through the defenceman. Bob never saw it coming.
- Second shorthanded goal of the game into an empty net. I'm glad you guys are over your allergy to them.
- Dubinsky was Hulking out after the game, throwing his equipment into his bag. No gatorade coolers were harmed though.
- Honestly what do you have to be angry about? The fucking refs basically gift wrapped this game for you and the Habs getting sloppy after Markov's goal helped them along...
- Diaz's ass saved the game blocking a shot into a yawning cage.

The greatest graying hair show on Earth!

Good news folks! Pacioretty is only out 3-ish weeks (give or take). Strained hamstring just like I thought it was.

Habs 3, Jets 0: The Price is Right, Bitches!

 While TSN is still popping champagne over the Leafs easy win against a Wild team that sucks/played yesterday/played their shitty 3rd string rookie goalie, Habs were having fun in Winnipeg. Well about as much fun one can have in Winnipeg. Which means BEATING THE JETS.

- J! E ! T! S! JETS! JETS! JETS!
- All the same to me.
- Prust opens the scoring, Desharnais had a fantastic view of it, RDS popped the champagne. Brolieu helped out!
- I'm reasonable. Desharnais did well tonight. Well enough.
- PK Subban scored another goal for Team Canada. Unless they really do want Hamhuis to score for the other team.
- Pacioretty got tangled up with two players in the slot and did the splits. Didn't return.
- Fuck you hockey gods.
- I figured once the Habs were up 2-0 the Jets would start a fight. Didn't think Tangradi would go with Ryan White though. Didn't last too long. Actually looked more like a glomp than a fight. (Lucky for Tangradi).
- Habs missed so many gifted empty nets...
- Jets pretty much took over the rest of the game, but Price was there.
- Price was so huge he willed the puck off Andrew Ladd's stick and off harmlessly to the corner WITH HIS MIND!
- Price also one-upped on Tuukka and blockerd some guy who was skating right for him. Tim Peel was unimpressed.
- Tim Peel is a dumbo.
- Diaz's best game ever. I'm serious.
- Byfuglien was probably the most invisible giant man ever tonight.
- PK Subban and Brolieu went the whole length of the ice a few times. I'm in love, guys.
- PK was probably the only other awesome part of this game after Price. A 2-on-1? No problem.
- TSN probably still thinks Suckmeester would fit better on Team Canada. PK would make us look too good.
- I wanted the Habs to draft Trouba but he was gone by then. Imagine PK, Brolieu, and Trouba on one team?
- Tim Peel hates Evander Kane more than PK Subban.
- Blake Wheeler delivered a headshot on Plekanec. Doubt he'll get a call.
- Just as I was yelling at how annoying and useless Briere has been, and was fucking around with the puck, turnovers and all, he finally gets out and hits the empty net.
- How about you score on a goalie now, Briere? I'm not asking much. I'm just asking more than one play a game and less killing of plays...

Successful roadtrip West! Minus the injury to Pacioretty... That could hurt if it's bad.

Habs 4, Canucks 1: This recap slipped right through Luongo as well

This game. Words cannot describe it. So we'll throw them on bullet points!

- For the Habs, it was all Price and anything once over the Canucks blue line. Having the Sedins vs Diaz all night was enough to make me grey.
- Defensive zone was such a clusterfuck. Calmed down incredibly in the 3rd though.
- Yup. Markov paired with PK is the way it should be. He's so much quicker, so much at ease. He looks younger! Almost like he doesn't have to worry so much about his partner (Diaz). Who knew! (RE: Everyone).
- But of course we should remember that according to PJ Stock, Markov hates PK.
- Garrison had 10 shots out of the 40 the Canucks threw at Price. And by shots I mean cannonballs.
- There was a Carey Price cheering section, a Josh Gorges cheering section (his grandma!) and a Brendan Gallagher cheering section (his family minus his busy playing hockey little brother).
- The CAREY!CAREY!CAREY! were louder than the LOUUUUU.
- Dan Hamhuis was our best player.

Oops.

- Lars Eller is so good he doesn't even need to be on the ice to score.
- Though according to PJ Stock, Lars Eller turned over the puck on a Diaz crappy outlet pass because of that playoff hit. It must hurt for PJ to think.
- Therrien's reaction to Pacioretty getting a penalty shot was the best. I don't think I ever saw him that giddy.
- Meanwhile, the camera would focus directly on Torts every time something shitty happened to the Canucks. Same old "oy vey" look every time.
- On that penalty shot, Pacioretty did a good move, Luongo lucked out and had the puck bounce off his stick and away.
- Price too had the puck bounce off his stick. Shot was so hard his stick went flying out of his hands.
- Unfortunately it didn't maim Kesler, who's ass was directly in Price's nose all night.
- I can watch Tinordi toss Kesler out of Price's crease all night though.
- Richardson was tonight's recipient of the PK Subban Butt Check.
- Complaints about the lack of secondary scoring for the Canucks? Well, maybe you shouldn't have traded Hodgson for Kassian.
- Kassian was also extra invisible.
- And ugly.
- The Canucks were so far apparently perfect on the penalty kill. Went 1-for 3 tonight.
- Pacioretty's deflection walked through Luongo and Plekanec's lovely finish to a perfect tic-tac-toe play between Markov and Subban.
- Josh Gorges scored.
- I repeat Josh Gorges scored.
- Clean shot, no deflection, right over Luongo's shoulder for some tasty cakes.
- Luongo was pissed.
- Galchenyuk went off on a breakaway and got tripped by a Sedin twin who immediately bitched about it. The king of flailing his arms while falling on his ass was bitching about a clear penalty.
- As much as I'm happy how the Habs have played in Vancouver since that embarrassing suck fest a few years ago, I just can't stand watching the Crapnucks. Whiny bitches.
- Chris Higgins still shoots wide.
- I was hoping Vancouver would be what awakens Desharnais. The body is cold.
- He had some flashes but was still stone cold.
- Briere may as well not be on this team, honestly.
- Ryan White appeared to be our lead faceoff guy. Seemed like he was winning them all.
- Plekanec appears shocked to be playing between two really good hockey players. Every time Galchenyuk sends him a pass, the skill freaks him out.
- Eller should be double-shifted so he can play again with those kids...
- It's almost 2am and NHL's website still has the Leafs-Oilers pond hockey game up as their lead story. Doesn't even have the Habs game in the rotation either. Who needs you.

 If this team wins 4-1 every time they win, I'm good with that.

Gallagher was always precious

Prepare to die from absolute cuteness.

Also notice the big A (for awesome assistant captain) already pinned to his jersey. He was 10 years old. And crashing into the goalie.

Habs 4, Oilers 1: Thankful for that warmup game yesterday

I spent much of the first half of the game wondering if future Hall of Famer Devon Dubnyk was going to one-up JoeyMac's easy night in Calgary. Then Gallagher happened. Saved by the 5'8" (with skates) wunderkid, and his twin Galchenyuk!

- It's amazing what those two can do with just 13 minutes of ice time.
- Yakupov also had 13 minutes of ice time. Ended minus 1.
- The old "get other guys who are stuck in neutral going" has caused Therrien to split Eller from his bros. Plekanec (who is still rather lost in space) got the Gallys while Eller got Briere and Pacioretty.
- I'm totally behind Eller with Pacioretty, but when stuff wasn't happening you had to wonder if our ONE working line was going to make a guest appearance in the 3rd. Didn't have to happen.
- Desharnais got tossed over to Gionta and Bourque. Did one fantastic takeaway, then fell on his ass so...
- And while he was completely non-existent last night, Bourque did the "fly down the wing and snipe one top shelf" that he always did to us. Except he hit the post. Or Dubnyk's face.
- For what seemed like an eternity, Habs did everything but score. Posts, simple practice shots, and a puck that walked the line...
- And of course PK plays Smyth properly on the penalty kill by clearing him from the crease only to have the puck deflect off the falling Smyth and in behind Budaj. That ended up being the premature play of night for the Oilers Sportsnet joke of broadcast.
- Of course they picked it right before Gallagher and Galchenyuk went 2-on-1 to score.
- Then again it's Sportsnet. You should see their Senators games. (Re: DON'T!)
- Budaj was surprisingly less of a ping pong super lucky goalie than he usually is and actually looked quiet and solid. However someone really needs to tell him to stop playing the puck. It's scary when he does. But it's PAYS to play him before December!
- Bournival's second game. Can we stop pulling him from the line up? Rest Moen if you want to play White.
- Beaulieu hasn't played much hockey lately and it kind of shows. Also pairing him with Bouillon is just a disaster. Tinordi is suffering because of it as well! If you're going to put a kid with a veteran, Bouillon is like not even on my first 10 pages of names. (GET ME HAL GILL!)
- Lars Eller did no score but was in absolute beast mode. So much so he lost his brain and hit Taylor "I get flattened 3 times per game" Hall. (It was indeed the 3rd time that game). Though a bad hit, the image of him standing completely remorseful over Hall with 5 Oilers hanging off his other arm was kind of funny.
- PK could stick handle in a phone booth with 2 other defenders in there with him.
- It only took Captain Planet Ference two periods before he remembered he's a douchbag and went after Gionta because HOCKEY!
- Speaking of douchebags, Perron seems like a douche.
- Dallas Eakins is upset another team is on the ice getting in the way.

Eakins does look like David Tennant.

- Dallas Eakins pulled Dubnyk with 4 minutes to go. Normally I'd be excited over this, but the Habs are allergic to empty nets.
- Pacioretty saved us from embarrassment and took the pass from Briere to score on the empty net. That said, I lost confidence in Briere actually scoring there.

Tonight we found out that a not-100% Josh Gorges is indeed better at hockey than a healthy Josh Gorges. Someone needs to re-tweak his MCL or whatever it was he had broken for 6 years. And in terms of tracking, Galchenyuk 1 Yakupov 0.

Habs 2, Flames 3: As per usual

It doesn't matter who's on the team, who coaches the team, who the GM is, what the culture is or how much character they get... The Habs enter Calgary and play like wet farts.

- At least we have PK. Beast Mode is always on.
- When he scored his goal he turned to the bench and screamed. If he's not our next captain, this team will forever be stuck on that halfway point.
- He also said they all had a terrible practice the day before and weren't prepared for tonight. Unlike most of the guys though he actually went out there and kicked this game's ass.
- I don't even want to talk about the rest of the defence tonight.
- That wide empty net is a terrible goaltender.
- Seriously. We have Price doing a fucking circus act and Francis Fucking Bubbles still clears the puck to a fucking Flames player while Curtis Glencross is owning the rest of the team.
- OK I'll talk about the defence. In 24CH I remember scaring Toaster as I burst out laughing when JJD singled out Diaz and told him to knock the guy on his ass, to take the body. Clearly you have no idea who you're dealing with here...
- SOFF.
- The fancy stats tell me the Habs were good at holding the puck and did fuck all with it for most of the game...
- Someone find a trunk and lock the Wunder Twins in it.
- If you're wondering who the Wunder Twins are, I'm talking Desharnais and Briere.
- Rene Bourque disappeared somewhere after puck drop. I think he went to have dinner with his family on the concourse.
- Easiest shit JoeyMac ever faced, save for that one Markov sequence.
- Therrien said ice time would be given to those who deserved it. Guess that was only last game. Or he forgot about it.
- LARS ELLER SCORES ALL THE GOALS.

- I didn't want to talk about the defence tonight but they were just so terrible that all they were missing was everything.
- They pulled the goalie with under 2 minutes left while on the PK and Bouillon cleared the puck to a Flames player THREE TIMES.
- Shockingly enough they didn't give up the empty net...but that was mostly because the Flames missed twice.

As they tiptoed through the first period, I said it looked like a terrible preseason game that ended in a 3-1 loss. You may as well play Beaulieu and Pateryn because unlike Diaz and Bouillon we can chalk up their errors to "learning experiences"! Also I'd rather have Tyler Fucking Bozak and David Desharnais. I SAID IT.

Oh yea, Gorges might be injured now.

Who schedules this crap?

So while we wait 5 months until the next Habs game (yea it's tomorrow but holy crap it feels like everyone is playing every second day, except the Bruins of course), Jonathan Quick attempted to one-up Ryan Miller's terrible own-goal gaff. For your entertainment.

Someone tell Jonathan Quick to stop attempting to play the puck.

Habs 4, Flyers 1: Da Da Da

Continue kneeling before Lars. He has like 5 points in 2 games now.

Meanwhile Briere has a shitload of nothing and took two annoyingly stupid penalties tonight. Did I mention Gomez even scored his first (and probably only) goal already? Help us! Save us!

The Flyers are morons at hockey and spend all their time taking stupid penalties. And goaltending is the least of their problems right now. However, if you want Briere back, you can have him.

Tonight's shutout buster was brought to you by Frankie Bubbles being completely useless on the penalty kill, losing the puck and ending up on his belly.

Bournival had the mother of all blocks, just as I was bitching they left that far point man wide open. Merci!

Gorges cleared the puck just as Couturier was coming out of the box and broke the inside glass as the door opened. It must be made of that movie trick glass because I don''t think Gorges can shoot that hard...

Also, PK Subban shot the puck INTO the pocket on the side of the net. That alone should give you 5 points bonus. Skillz.

First win of the season smells good. Going West now.

Tonight's game song.

Habs 3, Leafs 4: Me and hockey are done professionally

I'm sick of seeing Therrien mismanage this bench. I'm sick of seeing Markov vomit all over the ice. I'm sick of seeing Frankie Bou Bou Bambi leg his way to kicking another assist for the visiting team. I'm sick of Diaz shooting at the stars. I'm sick of PK Subban barely getting any penalty kill time. I'm already sick of Danny "Gomez 2.0" Briererererere. Desharnais's preseason was a ruse. Without Price in nets this game is 6-2 in the first half! AND WHAT THE FLYING FUCK IS DESHARNAIS AND PACIORETTY DOING ON THE PENALTY KILL?!

EXPLAIN.

Did I mention it's only game one?

I'm also sick of seeing another player carted off the Bell Centre ice after dropping his blood all over the place. Today's unlucky man was George Parros. He played a pretty good game. He threw his weight around. He nearly scored a goal. He had already punched Colton Orr in the face earlier. Neither of these guys have very good balance though. So naturally when Orr tumbled on himself dragging Parros down with him in their second tussle, Parros landed face first. My initial reaction was "OMG he just broke his neck" considering the force and the way he fell. Either way, face first on the ice is not a fun feeling. I was hit by a large snowball that was basically embedded with ice right in the face when I was 4. I saw it coming at me in slow motion. When I saw what happened to Parros, I saw that ice ball again. Much like when I tripped over a skateboard and fell head first onto the concrete curb. Slow motion and helpless. You can't do anything to avoid it. You just see this hard surface coming at your face. Parros' eyes were vacant and scary. Though he was moving, it still brought me little comfort that he was alright.

Which brings me to another thing. Tinordi and Ashton were having a disagreement in the corner. (Not a wise choice by Ashton, who got destroyed and then yelled at Tinordi for destroying him). This was your typical heat of the moment fight. I have no problem with that. Do your stuff, don't kill each other, and go sit int he box. However, Coach, STOP PLAYING THEIR GAME.

When the Canadiens play their game of speed and skill, they win. Example: Eller's line and their body of work tonight headed by our best player on the ice who ended with 2 goals and an assist. (Lars, who again, had less ice time than Desharnais). When the Habs play their game, whistle to whistle, turn the other cheek, skate and PLAY HOCKEY, they usually win. Usually by a shutout too. When they line up ready for a fight and play right into the other team's game, THEY LOSE.

Also enough with the Frankie Bou Bou. Enough with the Diaz. If a defenseman is going to play like an AHLer, PLAY A FUCKING AHLer.

And KNEEL BEFORE LARS.

Preseason observations from my comfy chair

Dear executive staff and managers of the Montreal Canadiens,

I'm writing my affirmation of Jarred Tinordi and Greg "The General" Pateryn. Get those boys apartments, permanent mailing addresses, housemaids, pet watchers, personal cooks, and anything else they need to make their lives comfortable here. It would be a crime if the season started and Frankie Bou Bou or my favourite Raphael Diaz or Douglas Murray had roster spots ahead of these fantastic young players. You would be doing a disservice to your club not having these two on permanently! Sure you would be biting the proverbial bullet on their respective contracts, but think of the money you'd save on those cheap young players.

I would also like to refer Michael Bournival to start the fourth line and to keep Mike Blunden up as your extra. A fourth line of Bournival-White-Prust would be equal to the winning formula so beautifully executed by the Chicago Blackhawks in their recent Stanley Cup run. And when Prust rovers up to the other lines, Blunden can step in. The combinations exude grit and energy with offensive capabilities and defensive prowess. So much more useful than wasting a seat to the standard face puncher. And as much as I love Travis Moen or George Parros, the future is now.

Play the kids. You won't regret it. Also get that other group to observe what this group was doing right on the penalty kill. I dare say, more PK on the PK maybe? Quite the revelation eh? Only took you a year to figure that out. Just like eradicating that god awful diamond formation.

Sincerely,
N31

Call him small, Bournival will CRUSH YOU.

Honey, I Shrunk the Forward!

Clearly someone shrunk Brendan Gallagher or swapped his jersey with Price's.  (Yes I know he's modelling the new Habs Snuggie).

Lo there do I see my hockey

On this tumultuous (weather-wise, and personally stomach-wise) day, the Habs convened upon a Lavalois golf course to knock some mini-balls around, exchange smiles, quote some clichés and pass a few cheques into their children's foundation. Also for Carey Price to show off his "better than Bergevin's Draft Day" pants.

It's good to see them again.

And I'm still ignoring the fact the Magical Spearing Midget is part of the team.

To help you make this glorious day more fun, I've created a Habs Charity Golf Tourney Bingo card! Prepare to BINGO in 5 minutes!

!!!

Well this is awkward...

We got the Scottish Viking! Finally. My dream has come true!

I didn't get Cal Clutterbuck. Nor Hal Gill. But hey Doug "Crankshaft" Murray is fine. I mean, he's Hal Gill with more hitting.

If anything, I'm hoping this moves Frankie Bou Bou to the Official Tomas Kaberle Seat of the House because you can't have that little guy out there all year.

Also his nickname is CRANKSHAFT.

And how was your day?

Montreal is HUNGRYYYYYYY!

Realined

With the new schedule released once the Sochi thing got cleared up, the NHL announced what they're calling their new clusterfuck of divisions. Sorry guys, no Floreast in sight. My brother also proved that he's too smart for the NHL with his A, B, C, D division names. Instead, the evil geniuses have graced us with these sparkly jewels:

The Atlantic Division
Teams: Boston Bruins, Buffalo Sabres, Detroit Red Wings, Florida Panthers, Montreal Canadians, Ottawa Senators, Tampa Bay Lightning, Toronto Maple Leafs.
If we're in the "Atlantic" division, I demand easy access to a real Atlantic beach that doesn't require 5+ hours in a car.
My pick: This Division

The Metropolitan Division
Teams: New York Rangers, New York/Brooklyn Islanders, New Jersey Devils, Washington Capitals, Pittsburgh Penguins, Philadelphia Flyers, Carolina Hurricanes, Columbus Blue Jackets.
Because when I hear the word "metropolitan" I totally think of the Carolinas, or Columbus, or Pittsburgh.
My pick: That Division.

The Central Division
Teams: Chicago Blackhawks, St. Louis Blues, Nashville Predators, Minnesota Wild, Colorado Avalanche, Dallas Stars, Winnipeg Jets
Fairly bland in the "well you're technically in the middle of the countries" definition.
My pick: The Other Division

The Pacific Division
Teams: Los Angeles Kings, Anaheim Ducks, Phoenix/Arizona/Seattle Coyotes, San Jose Sharks, Vancouver Canucks, Calgary Flames, Edmonton Oilers.
Four out of seven that can actually see or physically touch the Pacific is better than nothing, I guess.
My Pick: The Bob Division.

Now go pat yourselves on the back, kids. Clearly you've strained your brains real hard for these names and the effort absolutely oozes from my screen. I mean, really. No "Joy Division"?

I wanted to retire at 30

It was my goal. But then I bought a condo, and now I can't retire. Bills to pay, a dog to feed.

Ilya Kovalchuk is lucky to be able to walk away from 77 million dollars to "retire" at 30 from the NHL. But why o why would the Russian sniper leave the NHL at the prime of his career? Why would he render the Devils a boring snoozing mess? Let us Top 10 these reasons in hopes of discovering why Kovalchuk would bail from the Jersey Shore. (Disclamer: yes I know he's just going to go play back home in the KHL where he'll probably make enough money to buy the Devils and Coyotes and comfortably move them to Belarus for shits and giggles).

10. After kicking the shit out of Brayden Schenn, he realized fighting a kid a decade younger than him was just plain weird. And he doesn't want to be THAT GUY who everyone says is their favourite player in those CBC Stanley Cup things. As teammates.

9. Pondering long and hard about this decision for at least a year, he decided to take a long walk somewhere by the shore to clear his thoughts, and promptly phoned Lou about his desire to leave the armpit of America. As soon as he could get him out of the trunk of some mysterious black sedan abandoned somewhere in Camden.

8. Adam Henrique needs a new deal. He called Kovalchuk for help considering the deal he managed to get. Knowing the team is in some rather tough times, Kovalchuk smiled.

7. Apparently the powerball jackpot's latest winner is somewhere in New Jersey. What a coincidence!

6. I heard Snookie moved in next door to the Kovalchuks. That's enough to get someone to switch planets.

5. Vladimir Putin promised him many gifts, including a very large ring full of diamonds.

4. And while stroking a sleeping Grizzly, Putin also informed him how his coming home to play would affect his position on the Olympic team...

3. With the departure of Parise, the impending retirement of Brodeur, and the recent departure of Clarkson, Kovalchuk shrugged and decided to join the club! Everybody leaves New Jersey! All except you, Patrik Elias.

2. His heart was always in Atlanta. Or maybe that was Atlant...

1. Sharknado. That was the last straw, America.

Run, Kovalchuk! Mother Russia awaits you!

Angry Greek God brings Fantastic Moustache to Montreal.

If this doesn't work out, he should run for mayor of Montreal. After all, who's going to tell him no? And he could lecture at the John Molson School of Business on his off days. Welcome George Parros. And your dog, Ramis.

And suddenly, Danny Briererererere is a Hab

What do I think of this 2 year, 8 million deal for the magical spearing midget?

Sigh... Guess I'll have to tolerate your for 2 years. You better be useful or we feed you to McCarron.

We have a trade to announce...

No not the Danny Syvret trade.

Today we say good bye to Danny Kristo, who was traded for some reason to the Rangers for Christian Thomas. Essentially we traded the Count for what looks like another Corey Locke... But in winger form.

Can't say I'm thrilled. In fact, I'm rather annoyed. They could have at least tried to get Boo Nieves!

Also, what the fuck. You just killed my Danny Kristo/Louis Leblanc reunion tour.

Why did they do this trade? I have no idea. Kristo is only 2 inches taller than Thomas. Thomas is more of a scorer but  I really don't know why the swap was necessary. And Bergevin threw around the fact that Thomas has "tremendous character" again.

Next time we acquire players, please don't use that tag again. I'm getting sick of "character"...

The morning after...

So, now that all the fans and media have projected unreasonable goals for our new kids, let's have a look and see what the poor lambs have to say for themselves now that they woke up as possible future members of the oldest NHL team in the...NHL.

Not taking this jersey off until I have too. Best crest in the world #HABS
— Michael McCarron (@MacAttackUSA93) July 1, 2013

Stort tack för alla värmande ord! Stolt att vakna upp som en del av Montreal Canadiens organisation
— Jacob de la Rose (@JacobdelaRose) July 1, 2013

And in Non-Alien speak (he's Bilingual!):

So proud to wake as member of the @CanadiensMTL, gonna work so hard to one day earn a chance to put that jersey on in Bell Centre! THANK YOU
— Jacob de la Rose (@JacobdelaRose) July 1, 2013

I only realized what just happened this morning as i woke up ! Woah ! Habs
— Zach Fucale (@Fucale31) July 1, 2013

Head for the hills, Zach! You already have a parody account...

Im proud to be in the @CanadiensMTL family! #Habs
— Artturi Lehkonen (@arsilehkonen) July 1, 2013

Thanks everyone for the love! Wish I could retweet and favourite everything! Best day of my life!! Won't regret picking me @CanadiensMTL
— Connor Crisp (@connorcrisp23) July 1, 2013

 

so excited and proud to be with the @CanadiensMTL ! #habs
— Sven Andrighetto (@Andrighetto25) July 1, 2013

Martin Reway has Twitter, but with like 5 tweets on it and two aren't his. Jeremy Gregoire too but hasn't said anything in half a month. If they were PK Subban, HNIC would see this as a sign they're not team players or some shit like that.

Drafting Class of Unlucky '13

Happy Sunday to you too, NHL. I mean I always wanted to spend it BORED TO FUCKING DEATH watching your compressed Draft that wasn't so compressed. It started at 3 and it was nearing 5:30 when the Habs finally took the stage at number 25. I guess the biggest thing to happen today was Vancouver shitting the bed and trading Schneider to the Devils instead of the poor Luongo, for ONE PICK. (Even though Edmonton had a train of picks and players ready to send their way but apparently the Canucks are afraid of facing him despite knowing everything about him). So the darling ginger goes from backing up one Olympic goalie for another. You can't write better comedy than that. (Yea yea, Brodeur retiring soon, whatever). Then the Devils go and pick Marty's goalie boy with their last pick anyway. Symbolic pick, but if you were like Habs fans there would be non-stop talk about little Anthony Brodeur being the Next One while Schneider goes back to twiddling his thumbs in the corner...

More proof the Canucks are a bag of dicks. Poor poor Luongo...

Anyway enough about them, let's get to what the Habs did today.

Tall...

25. Michael McCarron
So MOAR BIG crowd, you happy? Here's a 6'5", 235lbs forward. If anything he might eat David Desharnais to solve that problem. The Habs tried to trade up to get guys like Horvat or Morin, and Bergevin was ready to pay, but in the end the team decided to keep their pick. But don't get all crazy just yet. You won't see him until about 4 years...and that's most likely if he goes to the London Knights instead of the Western Michigan (I'm hoping he goes to the Knights. Mind you, Not a bad college program either under Andy Murray).
- FeROARro says he makes opponents uncomfortable with the way he plays. Sounds good to me!
- He HITS. Yes, a big dude that HITS.
- Son of a nurse and a salesman. Hey RDS, his grandmother is French Canadian and says he has family here.
- Likes to eat.
- He's got the CHILLS wearing the jersey.
- Drink every time he mentioned Lucic... (No, he's actually a Red Wings fan).
- Essentially we got Bryan Bickell without having to pay him 4 million a year right now. Hopefully, he's more Bickell and less Biggs though.

BOOM!

On a scale of 1-to-5 Floating Creepy Pierre McGuire Heads (on my McGuire Drool Factor scale), I give him a 3.5.


34. Jacob De La Rose
MOAR BIG! And Swedish! A 6'3", 188lbs forward who already played in Leksand as a 17 year old. De La Rose is Swedish for "awesome name".
- Why not? His name alone makes me happy.
- CHL teams upset he didn't go in the first round because then he would have been eligible for the import draft. Instead he has to go back to Sweden.
- His brother is a Habs fan.
- Apparently he's got everything but offense. So...maybe he can work on that.

On a scale of 1-to-5 Floating Creepy Pierre McGuire Heads (on my McGuire Drool Factor scale), I give him a 3.


36. Zach Fucale
What the Fucale! Another great name that sounds like an Italian swear word. Of course this has set off the PRICE IS DONE crap. Are you kidding me? One short sprint season where even Quick couldn't keep a steady save percentage until the playoffs and you're all running Price out of town? I got news for you: Goaltending Depth. Habs have Price, Budaj, ????????????????????????, Condon, Delmas. That's terrible depth. With Fucale, Habs are now set for the next 10-15 years with a franchise goalie to pass the torch to (hopefully) another franchise goalie. That is, assuming it all works out... Remember haters, he's not even allowed to play in the AHL yet.
- Favourite players is Price and also wears #31.
- Already shitting bricks thanks to how the media hounds their goalies.
- Father had THE best reaction ever. Beat even the guy taken 1st overall.
- Likes Big Bang Theory. Sorry Zach, we can't be friends.
- I'd trade Mike Cammalleri mid-game again if this is what we get out of it.

The Fucale Clan being awesome.

On a scale of 1-to-5 Floating Creepy Pierre McGuire Heads (on my McGuire Drool Factor scale), I give him a 3.5.


55. Artturi Lehkonen
We have a Fin! Unfortunately he appears to be a HUGE Flyers fan. But his favourite film is Die Hard so we can indeed be friends. Small, so of course lets all harp on the size thing again.
- The description of him is "what if Aleksander Barkov scored a bit less and wasn't all that big".
- Concussions may be a problem...thanks to that fucktard Jarkko Ruutu. Yep. That's right. Sharkko hit a kid late and got suspended 3 games for it. WHY IS THAT ASSHOLE STILL ALLOWED TO PLAY HOCKEY?!
- De La Rose also smacked him pretty good in a tourney...

On a scale of 1-to-5 Floating Creepy Pierre McGuire Heads (on my McGuire Drool Factor scale), I give him a 2.5.


71. Connor Crisp
HE'S NOT A GOALIE.
- He took one for the team. The very definition of character.
- Super trend on Twitter.
- Might be your average future fourth liner but still managed to score 22 goals on that shit team of his.
- Goes to the net and doesn't move. Isn't that all you want?

On a scale of 1-to-5 Floating Creepy Pierre McGuire Heads (on my McGuire Drool Factor scale), I give him a 2.


86. Sven Andrighetto
A Swiss Mister! I actually really liked this guy. But also his name is Sven, and he's Swiss, so he automatically wins anyway. Yea he's small whatever. Shut up.
- Waited like two years for this to finally happen, but worked his ass off to get here.
- Another for the Q.
- Speed and skill.
- Had 8 goals and 22 assists in the playoffs while helping to knock off Roy's Remparts. Though most of those points can probably be credited to Kucherov's finish...
- Had 5 goals and 3 assists at the WJC this year. No Kucherov there to help either. 

On a scale of 1-to-5 Floating Creepy Pierre McGuire Heads (on my McGuire Drool Factor scale), I give him a 3.


116. Martin Reway
Slovak kid who plays in the Q. Small, so everyone pick on the size again. But has some skill. This was the mystery pick no one really knew we had.
- Will forever be known as the "Fuck you Vancouver for picking Jordan Subban ONE PICK AHEAD".

On a scale of 1-to-5 Floating Creepy Pierre McGuire Heads (on my McGuire Drool Factor scale), I give him a 2.


176. Jeremy Gregoire
A Failboat (who weren't fail-y this year). Average size, not a bad player. Has the skill but BUT the ever popular "needs work on his skating" crap, which is such a stupid thing to mention...

On a scale of 1-to-5 Floating Creepy Pierre McGuire Heads (on my McGuire Drool Factor scale), I give him a 2.


206. Traded the pick to Florida for next year's 7th.
Done.

On a scale of 1-to-5 Floating Creepy Pierre McGuire Heads (on my McGuire Drool Factor scale), I give this a half. Just because I think Pierre fell asleep by then.