Fieldtrip: Habs Hall of Fame

It was supposed to be a family outing. You know, mom always makes plans for us and drags us to various museums, concerts and various other things even when we don't feel like going but when I want to plan something naturally they spontaneously decide they have something better to do (ie. shopping). So it was just my brother and I today, as we had tickets that came with our playoff fan pack. Frankly I don't think the visit is worth $10 but considering the Habs, like the Leafs, are practically proping up the rest of the NHL I understand they gotta make money somewhere.

I've never been to the Hockey Hall of Fame, actually...


It's a strange collection of historical items and stuff people found to donate. The lady at the door told us we could take as many pictures as we wanted, we just couldn't film anything which seems like a weird request. But wandering around all the old items was awesome. They got Joliat's cap and sweater, Morenz's crutches, contracts, loved the old goalie gear (Dryden's got big feet) and sitting in a replica of the 70s dressing room where I found it odd that Cournoyer had his own bench area by the door. Guess the smallest man in the room needed the most space.


The new guys gave in some stuff too. Pacioretty's USHL All-Star jersey, Cammy's Team Canada jersey and medal, Price's Team Canada mask and stick, Darche gave in his McGill jersey, Gio has his little NCAA skates there (omg they're tiny!), Jaro's WJC Team Slovakia jersey, Gorges' helmet from his Memorial Cup win with the Rockets... Missing his helmet that has the puck indented into it though.

If I were in charge of this thing, I would have closed the AMC theatre (useless movie theatre anyway) and turned the Old Forum that has center ice still in there, kept the original dressing rooms and turned that into the Habs Hall of Fame. Too late now, though.

You can view all the photos on my Flickr page.

Oh and you can pose with Pricey and the gang in victory. Not sure I understand the 5-4 OT win over Boston on the old scoreboard though... If it's supposed to be the Centennial game, well, we know the score was way better than that!

Woo!

Pay no attention to the time stamp...

...I'm nocturnal. Reason number 1 why I have a pet hamster.

Dear Steve Yzerman,
How are you? I take it the southern sun is doing you some good. You know I have nothing but respect for you as a person and as the player you once were so please don't take this the wrong way...but could you please poach staff from the other 29 teams to fill out your needs? What more do you want from us? Wait, don't answer that. *Hides PK Subban* Maybe you want our entire farm team too? Hamilton, Norfolk... not much of a difference except the N-Admirals have missed the playoffs for the last 3 years now. Perhaps you'd like the name so instead of two Admirals we'll have two Bulldogs. Everyone loves puppies.

It's getting to the point where you should have, maybe, just come here to be the general manager.

Sincerely,
The Habs

PS. Trade you for Jacques Martin? And by "you" I mean YOU. Then you can re-poach the staff back here.

---

Congratulations to Andrei Markov, now a card carrying Canadian. No we don't suspect he's a spy...do we? It's always the quiet types....

Insert obligatory question about Carey Price, about learning French, about contract extension, and about captaincy. There, I covered the Q&A with the media this afternoon. And no he won't be playing for Team Canada at Sochi, however he can now legally run back to Candiac and hide should the Canadians win the gold and he will need to find a safe place to live for the rest of his life.

Now he needs to learn the anthem. Or he could just make it up, like Roger Doucet did.

---

This inspired me. I might do something like it but with a hockey theme. Probably recap the great grrs and arghs from last season before diving into hockey past.

Alcan sales projected to be high by the end of the week

And just like that, the problem returns. It seems no amount of magic could possibly dispel the stupidity of this team's fanbase or the media consortium that surrounds it.

If it's one thing Quebec is good at it's ye olde propaganda. One just has to go to school here to be subjected to it. Take a history course in high school for example, and if your teacher is using the government provided textbook then you're better off heading to the library to do your own research. (My teacher made his own book so we could learn the truth). It's gotten to the point where final exams for Chemistry deal with a question on Hydro Quebec. Think I'm paranoid enough? It's laughable the amount of bullshit we deal with. And the motto "je me souviens" should be turned into "I remember...only when it's convenient". After all, if we're not going to be provided with the truth, then we may as well be provided with nonsense considered to be the truth. The conspiracies are out in full force! Something I think even the likes of agent Mulder wouldn't miss out on. (Minus the alien abductions though I'm convinced Gilles Duceppe is a laser-eye-shooting alien with hypnotic capabilities. Yea, don't look too closely at those campaign posters).

This long, drawn out introduction aside...it's been what, over 3 weeks since Jaro got traded for Eller and Schultz to the Blues? I swear, if I hear one more conspiracy, one more convenient selective memory aimed at repressing all the positives while highlighting nothing but the negatives, or one more snide bitter comment directed at Carey Price behind his back but publicly through the media like the cowardly hordes said media are who hide behind their microphones and their text BEFORE the new season begins, I'M GOING TO GO FUCKING INSANE!!! Assuming of course I haven't gone insane already.

Tinfoil tuque, how I've missed you.

Worst. Offseason. Ever.

Magically, problem gets solved

Just like that. It's magic! Alex Auld is our new number 2 and he knows it. No, he LOVES it. And you know what? I LOVE IT TOO! No more bitter agent trolling in the background about how his client's teammate can't get a win because no one really bothers to score a goal or even try. No more hovering around like a little gnat buzzing "play me or trade me" in your ears. As much as Ellis would have been a nice friendly fit, he would have probably been no different from Jaro in that "I think I'm good enough to be a number 1 so why do I have to watch you play even though you do the same when I play and don't bother anyone but yeah" way.

Habs had him at "hello" and that's good enough for me.

Yea I know he's not exactly an amazing goalie. I remember the Habs pumping at least 6 past him when he played with the Bruins. I remember Higgy scoring a hat trick on him (and then never scoring ever again) when he was with the Sens. I remember him finally being that elusive serviceable backup Turco hasn't had since they traded Mike Smith to Tampa Bay. But he's not going to make waves, he not going to impose himself on anyone, they want him to be there for Price and he wants to be there to help. Team first. The same motto Price adopted when he knew he wasn't going to play, so instead made it extra difficult for his teammates in practice just so it'll be easier for them by game time.

This is the type of character they needed to fit in that role, and I'm all for it. So save your snide comments, your ass backwards retorts (looking at you, Pat Hickey), and take it for the opportunity it is. The Habs have an obligation to make things work with Price (you may not understand why but I don't know of any NHL team that would allow their highest most prized prospect sit on the backburner), and having someone who's been through pretty much everything all his career is better than any Dan Ellis. Plus he's as big as our goalie boy. Hey Leighton found his way to a Cup final because he sat in the general area and let his big frame stop the puck. It works. The rest hinges on what the 18 other players on the ice plan to do with the puck.

Of course this is all moot if someone snatches the kid away from us... Send Price an offer sheet and I will hunt you down.

What's in a number?
Nothing. It's just a number. Did Kirk Muller get upset when Saku took his 11? Not a chance. Did the fans? I don't remember. Captain Kirk was and is a much loved player to this city, probably more so than our dear Saku. Despite the length of Saku's tenure and everything he did for this city, the situation was almost volatile in his last year here. You know the ones. The barnyard droogs in the dark corners of the Bell Center booing him as he lead the charge and no one followed. The barbs in the papers complaining about yet another injury. The mouthbreathers calling the radio stations. The media constantly upset that he spoke not the French.


They held off allowing the numbers of both Saku and Kovy for the year out of respect for two great and special members of the team. Neither number will be retired, ever. It's time to move on. So if wearing his boyhood number 11 is important to Gomez, then by all means take it. The former first rounder, Calder trophy winner, two-time Stanley Cup holder never had the opportunity to cloak himself in the double-ones in his NHL career thus far. I think he's old enough to have earned it. It's a pride thing. He loves the sweater he's wearing now, but to have his number on it is like icing on the cake. Remember, hockey players are strange people.

Air turned into Dustin Boyd!
Sergei Kostitsyn being traded wasn't a complete waste of our time as we now have a younger, cheaper, faster version of Metro/Moore in Boyd! And you won't have to run after him to get him to work either. Just the type of guy Chocula loves.

Wanna see something funny?

Colby Armstrong
age: 27
6'2" 195lb
GP: 79 G: 15 A:14 Pts: 29
+/-: +6
PIM: 61
Hits: 74
Blocked Shots: 29
Power play points: 2A
Fighting Majors: 2
Salary: $3,000,000

Dustin Boyd
age: 23
6'0" 192lb
GP: 78 G: 11 A: 13 Pts: 24
+/-: +6
PIM: 19
Hits: 81
Blocks: 43
Power play points: 2A
Fighting Majors: 1
Salary: $650,000

I'm guessing Toronto valued Army's two extra inches to warrant 3 million dollars.

Happy Canada Day!

O, land of blue unending skies,
Mountains strong and sparkling snow,
A scent of freedom in the wind,
O'er the emerald fields below.

To thee we brought our hopes, our dreams,
For thee we stand together,
Our land of peace, where proudly flies,
The Maple Leaf forever.

Except, Versteeg is a Leaf now. Fuck you, Maple Leaf. (The blue one).

Heading for the country music

Look up your daughters, Nashville! Sergei's here! (Maybe).

Oh Sergei... If only you weren't such a pain in the ass, you wouldn't need to carry the Stetson. I don't think he likes country music. Andrei does though!

Now Barry Trotz gets the joy of trying to get him to work. Hey, Boucher and Lever managed to do it. Dale Fucking Hunter managed to do it. Carbo did it for a while but then everyone started to tune him out as a coach so that's redundant. Only Martin and former-Caps coach Glen Hanlon couldn't do anything with him. If he stays with the Preds, he'll probably score a hat trick on the Habs in the one game we'll see him just to spite Martin.

Coming back for Sergei is the cheaper-younger-bigger-faster version of Metro (or cheaper Dominic Moore) with Dustin Boyd and twitter-crazy goalie Dan Ellis. (Totally knew they'd try to get Ellis). In Ellis' own tweets: "Ps. Trade to mecca = phone blowing up". Both teams get future considerations if the players are signed.

Of course the wooliest of the wool started bitching about not getting Martin Biron. They might get their wish, as there's no guarantee Ellis will sign anyway considering he might want to find a team that'll take him as the sole starter...

If he does end up here, I'm on board though. Why do I like Dan Ellis coming in to be the 1B with Price? They seem like a good pair. While their family situations are polar opposites, their religious ties are carbon copies. Here, Price finds himself with a fellow goaltender who's deeply connection to his faith. (Remember, he had Philippians 4:13 written on his blocker when things started to get frustratingly tough). I think the two will be happy together in that aspect. He can play the puck better than Jaro. And Ellis also lives in his net.

I'll miss Sergei, I really will. But there's just no way in hell he's sticking with this team so long as Martin is involved. Well, media, you got your wish. However you probably won't get the juicy made up scandals with Boyd and Ellis should they agree to terms.

If Sergei does actually sign there, I look forward to the first Hawks/Preds game where he fights with Patrick Kane just 'cause they texted about it earlier.

Edit: Speculation now redundant as Guy Boucher will now make Ellis look really good in Tampa Bay (just ask Sanford and Desjardins). Boyd seems to have gone missing. No idea what Sergei's doing. In conclusion: We've traded air for air!

The Pyatt Club breathes sigh of relief for a year

Various members of the Tom Pyatt Fan Club, including myself, are pleased with today's news that the solid two-way center supposed "throw in" from the Gomez trade is now signed for the year. I'd have preferred a few years, but one will do for now.

Interesting how the Rangers now have absolutely nothing left of what we sent them in that trade. Not even hometown hero Master Higgins. OK they still technically have McDonagh and Tank (haha riiiiiight) but will they ever use them?

Oh and Pouliot is signed for the year as well with his 10% pay increase. Just stay away from the bars please, else you find yourself shipped back to Minnesota.

Meet the new kids

While the Leafs seemed content with drafting every SOB they could find (or, as I like to call them, players who will be in the penalty box while the Habs score on the powerplay), the general theme for the Habs at this year's entry draft appears to be of two simple solitudes: leadership and work ethic. This theme probably best exemplified by Friday's first-round selection Jarred Tinordi, towering captain leadership himself. And while I'm annoyed the best goalie in the draft went to the Avs (gimme my BabyPickard you bastards!), I think the Habs did fine in not only addressing this theme but addressing some of their own needs, namely size. Well, except for one of them but while vertically challenged he doesn't appear to be shy of any other challenge.

F Mark MacMillan - Alberni Valley Bulldogs (BCHL)
He's listed as a forward. Not a backward, not a sideway, just a forward. No idea if he'll be leaning more towards a center. And despite his giant lanky frame (re: FEED THIS BOY), he posted 80 points as a rookie this past season. Having older brother Mitch on his line helps too. I call this the Sloppy Ovechkin. As far as the BCHL stands, apparently he and his brother teamed up to boost the Bulldogs to first place (after the team had two straight years of suck). He'll be heading to a wonderful hockey school with the Fighting Sioux soon. He's also the first Alberni Valley Bulldog to be drafted in the NHL.

D Morgan Ellis - Cape Breton Screaming Eagles (QMJHL)
Just prior to the draft, Ellis was named captain of the Screaming Eagles. He was hoping either Montreal or Toronto and voila. Another defensive defenseman, who wants to be like Brent Seabrook (but will probably end up more like our dear Josh Gorges). It's unclear if he has Brent Seabrook's perfect hair though we'll live happily with his game. The only Q player the Habs picked and he's from PEI, which just irks the RDS pure wool all the more.

RW Brendan Gallagher - Vancouver Giants (WHL)
This guy sounds like a laugh riot. He's 5'9", scored 41 goals and 40 assists in 72 regular season games in his sophomore year, scored 11 goals and 10 assists in 16 playoff games, but amassed 111 penalty minutes mostly of fighting majors and instigator misconducts. Ladies and gentlemen, we've drafted a non-psychotic Steve Downie.

LW John Westin - Modo Juniors (Sweden)
He sounds like a Swedish Lapierre except actually hits players more than boards. He's an intense forechecker, but is signed with Modo for 3 years so we may never see him, ever.

Fortress Habs acquires a new member and SergeiK opens mouth to insert foot

Tallnordi. Ginordi. Meet Jarred Tinordi, son of Mark who terrorized the blueline for Bob Gainey's North Stars/Stars. All 6'6" projected 220lbs of a WALL on skates selected 22nd in this year's entry draft. We have a lion's share of offensive defensemen, now it's time for a defensive defenseman. And a slight trade up with Phoenix to snatch him away from the sticky fingers of the Canucks? YES PLEASE! This Washington boy will essentially do what Mike Komisarek did, once he gets away from the Fighting Irish (or Dale Hunter's London Knights). Leadership and a towering, commanding but respectful captain. Helped destroy Carbo's U18 team with a 5-0 win on their way to the gold medal. He's ready for his closeup, if you can reach him.

Also unless Alex Henry does something magical, the number 24 is ready and waiting for you. I'm sure Chelios would approve.

Sergei Kostitsyn and I are done professionally
Perhaps little Sergei should be acquainted with the term "people in glass houses shouldn't throw stones"? He definitely needs to understand something about burning bridges before he crosses them. On the same day the Habs graciously sent him his qualifying offer as per the CBA (to which my brother said he promptly wiped his ass with it), he rewards the organization in which Bob Gainey has done everything he possibly could to help him find his way by ripping them a new one in a local Belarus paper. It's no secret how much I support the little sparkplug, and how much I hate what Jacques Martin has done (or more refuses to do) with him, but right now Sergei? How about you shut the fuck up before Gauthier ships your ass to a cold and lonely place.

Or are you that petty that you're still pissed off Price gave you a proper piece of his mind when your self-centered superstar ass felt it was too good to be with the rest of the Black Aces during the playoff practices?

Score on my five hole for food

OK that sounds dirty BUT that is essentially what people will be doing at Park Middle-of-Nowhere-des Éperviers's outdoor rink next Tuesday. That's right, June 29th at 7pm, more accurately Notre-Dame-de-l'Île-Perrot, Five Hole for Food rolls into the outskirts of town with hopes of collecting much needed food for the NDG Food Depot! I will be doing everything humanly and inhumanly possible to drag myself and my gear out there and hoping it doesn't rain as that would suck. (Scattered showers are in the forecast).

To give you an indication of how big the Montreal area is, well, the park is 25 minutes from my home or a good 40 minutes from my work (which is Place Ville-Marie). Bring your sherpa guide, or google maps, and as much non-perishable food items as you can carry. There's apparently a hockey stick signed by Nos Canadiens to be won as well. Post game food will be a delicious party at Boston Pizza (Vaudreuil). You have no idea how much I love that Spicy Perogy pizza...

He's my 5-million dollar hamster!

Pierre Gauthier just couldn't resist. "It was that adorable face that had me sold on him. I mean how could you NOT want to resign that? The coach loves him, he works hard and tries hard and never complains, a couple of corn kernels and some cauliflower, and we were all set."

HamsterPleky was quick to quell the suggestion that he might have gotten more on the open market. "Why would I want more? I have everything I ever wanted here. A loving home, a great team, all the cauliflower I could ever want... Just gotta make sure Cammy keeps putting the puck in the net on my set ups and no one will need to complain about the deal."

HamsterPleky is now signed for 6 years with the Canadiens. Suck it Pierre McGuire and your "he's going to leave for big money". It's the Ryan Kesler deal just like I thought they'd do, only Pleky can actually kill penalties.

The New Jersey Devils introduce...

...their new coach, John MacLean.

Cherry pick THAT, Parise.

Yippee ki-yay mother fucker.

Archway to the Blues: fare thee well Jaro

Firstly I'd like to express my thanks to Jaroslav Halak for all the good work he's done here. I was hoping he would stick around for at least another year or two but it was pretty clear money was going to be a problem... I wish him good luck, assuming of course the Blues are able to work out a deal with him. Also from all my time watching HGTV, I think you'll be able to find a lovely home maybe by the water for really cheap. It's a (mostly) pretty looking city. I've always wanted to visit, if just to see the majestic arch...

Secondly, well, colour me genuinely impressed with Pierre Gauthier right now.

Although now we are left with one NHL able goalie (Price--assuming no one snatches him away from us with an offer sheet that can't be matched like the Lightning did with Boucher), one possible NHL goalie future (Mayer--and that's a big possible maybe as he's barely ready for the AHL fulltime), and one AHL goalie who was greatly protected by the best hockey system I've ever seen (Desjardins--and he is not NHL ready). It's the depth chart abyss I mentioned before, and I'll remain concerned about it until I see who they sign over the summer or draft for way later. (Psst Turco? C'mon buddy, take a discount and make me proud).

Keep freaking out over Jaro being traded to the Blues for Lars Eller and Ian Schultz all you want, but the moment I heard who the Blues gave up I plotzed. Holy shit are the Blues INSANE?!

It's a win-win for both teams. Habs finally find themselves with a great prospect at the center who's over 6-feet and a pugnacious Calgary Hitman I really really liked (think about former-Hitman Ryan White but with a bit of Scott Hartnell only less of a douchebag). But in terms of futures the loss of Eller and Schultz is a big one for the Blues. Yes they finally get themselves a legitimate goalie who will need to work overtime in a very tough Western conference division on a team that consistently has consistency problems (just like the Habs only they face the Hawks and Wings 6 times a year), but this is Dagger for Palushaj territory once again.

Of course when you deal with players like Eller, Schultz, and even Jaro, you are always taking a gamble. Habs fans, you need to all calm down, stop thinking with your idiotic adulation that had you bowing to him over every routine save, put away the rediculous stop sign shirts (does he even get anything out of those and the license plate t-shirts at all?), and start thinking with your logical brains about what this brings to the team for the future. Young, healthy big-type players you've been crowing about for weeks/months/years now. You got exactly what you've been hoping for.

And no, the Blues were NOT going to send back TJ Oshie or David Perron so quit your dreaming.

Now Alan Walsh will probably direct his tweets towards Big Ben Bishop and Jake Allen. My condolences to those poor young goalies...

We now return to our regularly scheduled rant

Look ma! No hands! I decided in honour of my shiny new black Wii console and my migraines that I'd make this place a little easier on the eyes to look at. (I'll probably make more changes later). Yea, I have a light sensitivity problem with my eyes hence why, if you meet me in person, I will usually be wearing my sunglasses even while indoors (they're perscription sunglasses anyway).

So back to business. Oh I'm sorry, I meant back to the destruction of the Habs what with the constant new rumors of Gauthier now looking to move our kid goalie who can't even wear a fucking Nationals hat on his head without the fans of Montreal biting such a head off. Memo to Montreal: YES the Expos left for Washington, YES it sucks big time, YES they now have the most insane star pitcher prospect according to my brother known for a long time because like the Pens and the Hawks they sucked for many many years, but GET OVER IT. It's baseball, the dinner party of sports on par with golf. The Stadium was quite empty when the Expos were in town anyway but probably would have filled seats if it were built where now semi-affordable condos stand. Our only problem is it shifted the attention squarely on the Canadiens shoulders 24/7 365 days a year so that even the WEATHER LADY has to give us her fucking opinion on subjects she probably has little knowledge about (like goaltending).

But I digress. Back to the major issue.

I'd like to congratulate the Tampa Bay Lightning for having the balls to do what the Montreal Canadiens couldn't. Their new owner, Jeff Vinik, who probably knows a thing or two about building a competitive and competent team from being involved with the Boston Red Sox even with their version of a salary cap, did what Geoff Molson unfortunately couldn't: set his team to find what could be the best possible person to build the Lightning into a competitive team once more. Their new GM, Steve Yzerman, who probably knows what it takes for a team to win the Stanley Cup from his years with Detroit both as a player and with management and by watching people like Scotty Bowman do his thing, understands the importance of a coach who can connect with his players and have them do things they never thought capable of to compete in the fresh new NHL. Their new coach, Guy Boucher, who doesn't hog tie his players and make them dance like puppets to follow HIS system, understands how to communicate and go with the flow whether it be through different scenarios and strategies or with the myriads of different personalities he has to come to terms with to make a team work.

My fellow Habs fans you should be fucking pissed.

This is exactly what the franchise was screaming for. This Yzerman-Boucher tandem is exactly what got away from making this team as great as it once was. I don't give a damn what Jacques Martin "did" during this playoff run. That kind of thinking is EXACTLY what killed the Oilers to the point of now deciding between Hall or Seguin (I would say Fowler because god knows they could use a defenseman that isn't useless). You need to understand what is called the "convenient convergence of events" is. Basically if the Canadiens had met the Flyers in Round 1 instead of the overrated Capitals, I am very confident we wouldn't be having this conversation now but rather a month ago. You need to understand that Pierre Boivin did not turn over every rock to find his new GM. You need to understand that just because the team ran a little on the tiny little back of Brian Gionta's pride, on the hot-cold hand of Jaro Halak until players realized getting in his way or shooting high on him actually works, on the incredible shotblocking aircraft carrier of Hal Gill that changes still need to be made. Martin and his "system" and his inability to understand that players are not little pegs on a board that must be in this position or else they be benched for the 3rd period is FLAWED. His "system" that singles out and alienates players once brimming with confidence whether it be a skilled forward who finds himself unable to catch a break for one little mistake he may have made while watching others make countless mistakes that go unpunished, or a young physical defenseman who can paste a player into the next dimension (I have seen it) for fear he may get dinged with a phantom penalty that'll leave him benched for the rest of the game, or a young goaltender who seems to be blamed for everything even getting the 3rd star of the game and finds himself unable to get any support for said coach when dealing with the Bell Center Terrorists of the Molson Ex Zone. This flaw will be the major most unending problem with this team. Don Lever was going to lose his job for less of a flaw (his one flaw being player development to an NHL level not exactly his forte but because a hot young goalie who was way too skilled for the AHL covered his ass and got him a Calder, he stuck around a bit longer).

This team's futures were set up for Boucher once he was hired. I always wondered why the Canadiens were drafting or signing so many puck moving defencemen. I thought because the chances you'll hit another Chris Chelios are an inexplanable odd. I thought maybe because they have value through trades that the Habs were setting themselves up for some possible dealings. But then I got thinking. I thought of Boucher's ability to have his players constantly keep the puck going forward (the exact opposite of a Martin system). Such defencemen would be a key component to making it work well. Now, of course, Boucher has this strange ability to make even Alex Henry a quite admirable puck mover. And of course the talking heads of the city who don't even know how the Bulldogs even play said "well, his number 2 in the League team got ousted by the number 6 blah blah blah maybe he's not as good as we all think he is." The only reason the Bulldogs are not fighting it out with the Hershey Bears for the Calder right now is because Sanford had to let in his prerequisite weaksauce goal for Game 7 and the Dogs ran out of gas to make up for this gaff. (Think of Jaro's stupid fall-on-his-ass move into Hamr for Richards' goal in Game 5, but oh these people won't give him the same treatment they give Price daily eh).

Allowing Boucher to go to Tampa Bay is unacceptable. Yes, I am happy he gets to coach an NHL team, but it should be OUR team not the Snowbirds' team. It didn't have to be next season, but motions should have been put in place to assure him his future with this team is the direction the franchise intended (and as I always said, I hope our young prospect survive Martin's approach and that he doesn't destroy their confidence or natural abilities utterly). This isn't a rookie coach, in the same way that Julien wasn't a rookie coach (Julien just couldn't stop playing the media and he's still somewhat guilty of that), in the same way Boudreau wasn't one. But you don't need to be in your late-50s to be a seasoned hockey coach. Why is it that the new NHL of "hot young coaches" only seems attractive in Ottawa, Colorado, or Pittsburgh. Hockey is a very simple game, but difficult to execute. However tell me how many of those coaches have a sports psychology degree, or biometrics degree? This man has such a unique ability to enter the minds of his players that he got through the most difficult barriers (like Sergei Kostitsyn) easily and made a team perform beyond it's means, smashing or tying every record in the books. Martin is a square peg for a round hole that doesn't come across as even attempting to make the time to alter something he's stubbornly set upon.

Basically, if the Canadiens are the new Senators, then we're the Senators that allowed Cory Clouston to go elsewhere and seemed likely to set ourselves up to have NO goaltending futures as well. Did I mention that after Price and Halak the depth chart teeters on Mayer and then drops into an abyss? No? Must have slipped my mind.

Boivin and Gauthier: THIS IS A BAD MOVE.

So, what are you going to do about it Mr. Molson?

Hello?

Hello?

Oh. I see you raised ticket prices.

All we know is he's called VERSTEEG

Kris Versteeg is cooler than you and ten times dorkier. But it's his party so he'll sing if he wants to.

Also, Patrick Kane is drunk.

Survivor Playoffs 2010: WE HAVE A WINNER!

The Flyers have been voted off the island, folks. The Blackhawks take Lord Stanley.

Patrick Kane, doing his best imitation of Sidney Crosby's golden goal, created the most confusing and anti-climatic Stanley Cup winning goal in the history of the game. What was I doing? Well, I was watching TV on my laptop with the game on my actual TV muted, looking up occasionally, only to see Mullet Boy shoot on net and throw his gear into the air in celebration as he skated back into the Hawks zone.

Michael Leighton finally realized he's horrible.

The world finally realized Antti Niemi would be the next Vesa Toskala if he were on any other team.

Patrick Sharp is the best player you can take in a playoff pool.

Duncan Keith can now get some teeth.

Marian Hossa can finally smile with a huge chunky ring on his finger.

Captain Serious Conn Smythe stayed true to the freaky mural.

Pronger can go grumble to a wall now.

Mike Richards can stop looking like Rabbi Shmuley.

Adam Burish can continue to be hilarious.

Kris Versteeg just gave a bottle of champagne to some fans in the crowd.

Patrick Kane still looks sleezy even when surrounded by his sisters.

Scotty Bowman can come home and fix the Canadiens now. (PLEASE!)

Chicago can finally stop feeling sorry for itself and party hard.

Jeremy Roenick can keep crying.

Here's to October.

Diamonds are forever

Montreal Alouettes (now retired) big bear Bryan Chiu posted this photo of the incredible Grey Cup rings the Als received Friday.

What's it got? Well it looks fucking HUGE and it is apparently bigger than normal. It's made of white gold and has 17 diamonds to equal the amount of wins the team had in 2009. On the shank you have the player's name and number on one side, and mountains with a goal post and a diamond football 'cause the game was won on that crazy bizarro fieldgoal in Calgary on the other.

I do believe the ring is the size of my hand, can also signal ships through fog.

By the way, have you seen the renovated Molson Stadium? I would love the Habs to play an outdoor game there... Perched on the mountainside with the cityscape below, the river, the Easter Townships in the background... McMahon Stadium doesn't really have that great a view other than the vast prairie air, sadly enough. It's rare to find a stadium like that basically in the downtown core of a city, surrounded by the century old buildings of McGill and the Royal Victoria hospital. Also the gates are like a castle. It's just gorgeous.

The secret is out...

...now we know why Pronger needs all those game pucks! He wants to make his own Inukpuck!

Habs looking to corner that "crazy last name" market

KLUBERTANZ!

Hey Don Cherry, I dare you to pronounce his last name. I wonder what he would come up with... Clubbertank?

So while most of us are still drowning in our sorrows over the fate of the Habs, and now the fate of the Bulldogs (OMG that hurt and I'm so upset I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT *sob*), Mr. Gauthier was actually doing some work and signed Kyle Klubertanz, another 24-year-old offensive defenseman project for the year. He'll probably go to Hamilton. Hey, he did manage to get 12 goals and 19 assists in the Swedish Elite League last year (if you don't know, it's not easy to score in that league). Wonder why a 3rd round pick of the Ducks ran off to Sweden to play for two years... After falling off the depth chart, maybe he didn't want to wear a pig on his jersey in Iowa or get tossed on some random team that might not need him only to bury him in the ECHL or some other random lower tier league (like poor Pogge).

He was also a Badger for four years!

He also has a lot of penalty minutes... Hmm...

Hockey's Future has him listed as a fiesty, smooth-skating blueliner with great puckmoving skills and a chip on his shoulder.

Clubbertank it is.

Survival Playoffs 2010: The Montreal Canadiens

What if Jaroslav Halak could play the puck properly?

For one, it would alleviate the stress on the D instead of having to come back deep every time (not that they're capable of accepting a pass from Price, mind). But when it mattered the most, hesitating to come out and fanning on it then colliding into Hamr and helplessly watching Mike Richards basically will it into a cold and lonely empty net... What if.

What if Jacques Martin weren't a stubborn old goat?

Sergei Kostitsyn would be brimming with confidence as he blasts accurate one-timers from the point on the powerplay. But you never knew that eh Coach? Funny how everyone else, including a rookie AHL coach, did. And as the powerplay went 1-for-a-zillion, and Bergeron was completely and utterly useless/overused, well... What if.

What if our team weren't so short? Last I looked Briere, Giroux, and Richards weren't over 6ft either.

There could be hundreds of "what ifs". What if this great run didn't come to such a smack in the face end? Of course there's plenty of talk of pride in how this team went through the playoffs. Never discount the pride, ever. But for a team like this, the opportunity was there for the taking. A team like this can only depend on belief, hard work, and what people call a convenient convergence of events. The perfect formula. Together with one goal in mind: the Cup. It's the reason why Mike Cammalleri never jumps into the glass whenever he scores. A subtle simple fist pump will suffice until he finds himself raising Lord Stanley over his head. While Mike Richards ran off like the goblin theif with the Prince of Wales, happier than a kid in a candy store, I think Cammy would make like Jonathan Toews and the epic look-away from the Clarence S, almost as if it would turn him to stone. (Hey I'd be happy to hold one of those myself, but some athletes are a strange animal). For Scott Gomez, any season which ends without a Stanley Cup is a bad season.

What if everyone had the spirit and determination of Brian Gionta?

The biggest bummer now? There won't be much on TV.

Is it October yet?

Round 3 Game 5: The end

This is all I'm going to say for tonight.

Group hug.

They tried. They really tried. In the end, they couldn't do it on the backs of Gomez and Gio alone.

Here's to next season and hopefully a non-idiocy filled summer. May Pierre Gauthier not screw this team up.

Go Habs.

Go Bulldogs.

Survival Playoffs 2010: The San Jose Sharks

As it remained 2-0 for the Sharks in Game 4, a nervous Blackhawks crowd clutched their brooms nervously watching their team get outshot, outworked, and outplayed in the first period. It's the Slow Start Trap: lull your opponent into a false sense of security, then kick them in the groin and steal their lunch money.

Habs could take a cue from that. All it took was one lucky break goal, by a guy who never really scores from totally outside his position. Basically, picture Josh Gorges cutting across the middle below the hash marks and just shovelling the puck towards the net hoping someone will bounce it in only to see it squeak in just enough to blow the roof off. Then Bolland makes Jumbo Joe eat his words. Big Buff steals their lunch money. Versteeg kicks them in the shins afterwards for good measure.

Game. For the love of god, man, let Duncan Keith go to the doctor instead of interviewing him so he could get those teeth out of his throat and stop gurgling on his own blood.

And after fighting through all that adversity, the Sharks basically delayed the inevitable. Close but no cigar isn't even a factor considering their big names not named Marleau refused to get down and dirty with Niemi who wouldn't even be a name if he were behind any regular defence. If the Flyers go on to the finals, he and Leighton could trade enermously bouncy rebounds.

While most hockey fans were hoping they'd at least make a series out of it, I'm sure there were plenty who were just waiting for the Hawks to put them out of their misery. Perhaps the Sharks need a bigger boat? At least Dan Boyle didn't put it in his own net a third time to permanently piss off Nabokov.

Round 3 Game 4: Sigh...

Here we have the latest model in Montreal Canadiens skates. Not shown: the skate guards that fall off at inappropriate moments which hinder a defenceman's skating ability.

This ain't looking good, folks.

And on the birthday of her royal highness, the Habs could be heading for summer vacation.

About the only highlight of this game was the HMCS Hal Gill docked behind Jaro and preventing anything from crossing the goal line. What a man! RDS probably enjoyed MAB's desperation dive to save an empty net regardless of how meaningless it was more... It's the thought that counts, I guess. But seriously. Where was the desperation earlier?

With the possiblity of going back to Philly down 3-1, you would think the Habs would have come out the way they did in Game 3... Sadly, the early afternoon start looked more like a mid-February game against Carolina where the possibility of one point seemed like a good idea.

Can they pull out another comeback? Or will Tuesday be Solidarity Day?

Round 3 Game 3 and 4: Everything is bigger in Texas
After a piss-poor effort the other night that made Coach Boucher want to vomit, the Bulldogs came out and stomped all over the Stars, frustrating Jamie Benn to the point of taking a bunch of stupid penalties, and taking a 3-2 series lead with a 3-0 shutout win. Would have been 4-0 if the idiot ref didn't accidentally blow the whistle. Appologies don't cut it, jerk! Lucky the game was already totally in their favour...

Dogs finally head home to try and close out the series, and maybe face the perennial Calder favourites the Hersey Bears. Oh hey Washington Capitals. We would like to try and rain on your parade. Again.

In other franchise news: The Cincinnati Cyclones won the Kelly Cup for the second time in three years! Woo! One down.......

Round 3 Game 3: Refreshing 5-1 smackdown

Leighton's 5-hole openeth.

So much better, Habs. This is how you're supposed to play. This is what brought you success. Attack, attack, and attack some more. Did Guy Boucher give Jacques Martin a call? And no you stupid fans, getting outshot does not mean instant victory. This time Habs outshot the Flyers again, but finally played smarter and played better, and won by a convincing margin.

Hugs on the bench. Hugs on the ice. Back in business. Though we gotta talk about Rhino, Coach. WHO CARES if he put the puck over the glass on his first shift. Don't punish the kid for that! It didn't cause any damage anyway. That 1:34 is a fucking travesty. Yet Bergeron can fail and fail and fail some more, but hey he scored the meaningless 5th goal so that means he can continue to play almost 20 grey-hair inducing minutes regardless of how much of a trainwreck he is 5-on-5 (or how many flubbed bluelines he had when it was actually time to care). At least PK seems to stay out the entire powerplay now.

Of course once the game was completely out of reach for the pumpkins, the goonery resurfaced. Most notably Briererere tossing his purse around. Seems to enjoy whacking PK with it.

Keep going for the head you little pissant.

Cammy continues to woo my heart. BabyPyatt and the rest of his line saved the game. Lapierre keeps making funny faces and pissing off the League. Dominic Fucking Moore will now terrorize the OTHER teams for a change and remain the meaning of life. Holy shit how fast was Gio going on that goal? So fast Pronger forgot to breathe past his -3. Hamr, the number one star tonight, with 2 assists and a plus fucking 4, and the only one fed up enough to tangle with Sideshow Bob Hartnell. Gets bonus points for not ploughing into his goalie, or putting the puck in his own net, and for looking like the good Hamr we love (but will promptly poop on the next time the old man resurfaces and chugs around the ice looking like he wishes he could retire).

Versus called the Habs play "pack mentality". They were hounding the Flyers all night. It was so exciting Bob Cole fell asleep.

Despite the honks you heard on the streets and the happy parade outside the Bell Center, Habs aren't out of the woods yet. But that fortuitous bounce is heading right for Michael Leighton and regardless of how big he is, in the end, he's still Michael Leighton. Especially if Pronger is too busy worrying about Gionta skate figure eights around him.

Round 3 Game 2: I want my Big Sexy back!

...Ugh. I totally didn't say that. But seriously. WHERE O WHERE IS RYAN O'BYRNE?! What have you done with him, coach? Puck handling problems? IT'S THE FUCKING FLYERS! AND IT'S FUCKING RYAN O'BYRNE! He's not going to dipsy doodle around 5 guys. That's PK's job. But he is going to line someone up and give them more than a love tap worthy of Lady Byng herself. And who knows, he might surprise you standing at the blueline and slapping the puck on net. Who knows. HE MIGHT HIT SOMETHING CALLED NET! IT HAS HAPPENED BEFORE! I HAVE SEEN IT! (As rare as it might be).

And why is Bergeron not locked in a suitcase shipped off to Alert?

Sergei was playing. Pouliot was finally pressboxed. Frankly all I saw was Sergei get called off for a line change almost immediately after he started his shift so he was pretty useless. I expect Pouliot will be back next game and Sergei ordering the hot dogs...

If Price sharpied Philippians 4:13 on his blocker ("I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me"), we need him to sharpie something on Jaro's glove. That thing only seems to catch pucks going wide. But the Jaro in these two games looks more like the Jaro from a season or two ago. You know, the one everyone selectively forgot about. The one that needs a 5-goal cushion to get a win.

One question to Bob Cole: Who the FUCK is "Brionta"?!

Best thing I saw all night was Dominic Moore fake like he was slipping by the bench to trip Pronger as he skated by. Seriously. I laughed for 10 minutes because of that.

And now for something completely different. Or maybe just the Habs powerplay.

Round 3 Game 1: An orange slap across the face

I wonder if this is how Muller and Martin sit down to decide on the lineup. Make the argument about sticking in Ryan "Rhino" O'Byrne so that we might have a big, hitting defenceman who could maybe toss guys out of our crease without having to worry about 50 stitches in his leg, or the merits of a gritty Sergei Kostitsyn who just wants to be believed in and not benched when he makes one little mistake only to watch Pouliot continue to coast and Bergeron continue to fail.

I could probably say the same argument about a goalie that is, like Leighton, 6'3" and can see around some of the net crashing bodies, but I digress. It doesn't matter anyway since no one scored, but hey people have blamed him for games they were shutout in. It would help if the players in front would not be pylons. And if Gomez would not take stupid penalties.

But seriously guys? You got outskated by a dude with a BROKEN FOOT!

If Adrian Monk were involed in this game, he'd use up a whole box of hand sanitizer wipes.

Round 3 Game 2: When Alex Henry scores, the world gets confused.
Actually Henry is a guy the Habs could use. Big, mean, eager to punch you. Bulldogs take a 2-0 series lead over the Stars, beating them 3-1 this afternoon. Trotter had two assists. Russell scored on the powerplay! And Glumac finished it off. Also the Bulldogs didn't allow a powerplay goal and covered Jamie Benn so well that some ex-Flames dude had to flip the puck off Sanford to score.

Top 10 ways Habs can win Round 3

10. Jaro learns the sacred secret art of giving wedgies so when Scott Hartnell decides to park his large, nasty frame in his face he'll at least remain rather uncomfortable.

9. While O'Byrne is sleeping, sneak into his room and play tapes that repeat "I hate orange. It's a colour that releases my deepest rage. Anything orange must be destroyed." Guaranteed to see some results. Just keep him away from the Orange Julep...

8. Give Plekanec some boxing lessons. It's a given Carcillo will try to disrupt him. What a shock it would be if Plekanec actually bops him one square on the nose.

7. Let Cammy bring his lightsaber.

6. Whenever Gionta and Gomez are out there against Pronger, Flight of the Bumblebee must play for added effect.

5. Lapierre must actively, and loudly, ask what kind of sauce they prefer their Nodl with.

4. Subban will learn to blind approaching Flyers with a radiant and glorious smile. That smile could very well destroy all forces of evil.

3. As the Flyers head for their 10th goalie, remind them what they could have had. "You want it? TOO BAD, BITCHES!"

2. Keep blaming Coburn.

1. Take it to Game 7, then epically destroy the Flyers. That's how you do it, Boston. That's how we roll.

Survivor Playoffs 2010: The Boston Bruins

What if the Bruins didn't epically fail and implode? History will be made.

After Game 2, Sarah Connors reported Bruins fans were chanting "BRING ON THE HABS!" at a train station. I was hoping the two teams, rivals for life who can't meet in the Cup finals ever again, could meet in the Conference final. What a story that would be.

Now the Eastern Conference Finals will be between two teams that made history. The Habs who toppled giants. The Flyers who came back from a 3-0 series and 3-0 score in Game 7. The two teams who despite whatever ails them, be it injuries or size or questionable goaltenders (Boucher? Leighton?), came together to get where they are today.

The East is represented by the number 7 and number 8 seed.

The West is represented by the number 1 and number 2 seed.

The spectrum is complete.

And please, stop comparing this year's Habs to the 1971 team... That team had 8 Hall of Famers on it and were basically like the battle tested veterans of the Red Wings that came to the finals the last two seasons (only backed by a surprise 24-year-old rookie giraffe in nets). The Bruins and Blackhawks they beat had a combined 7 Hall of Famers. I think the only guy with a shot at the Hall of Fame on this team, and it's probably a long shot, would be Brian Gionta.

And now for some Bears playing hockey.

By the way, Round 3 Game 1, the Bulldogs beat the Texas Jamie Benns, I mean, the Stars, 3-2 in OT. Trotter with 2 goals, Desharnais with 1. Who scored two for the Stars? Take a wild guess...

Survivor Playoffs 2010 Double Header: The Vancouver Canucks and the Pittsburgh Penguins

I didn't mean to group these two together but I may as well. Where the Habs powered their way through a seven-game series with hard work, skill, and heart, all while having fun, I can't say the same for the other two.

When Game 7 was over, Jaro, Gill, Gio, Cammy, everyone they spoke to said the same thing: "It's not about one person but about everyone doing their jobs and believing they can win." It was really something to see Cammy talk at the 2nd intermission, basically shrugging off the 4-on-3 they had to kill at the start of the third. Just kill the penalty and keep going.

Probably the quote of the 2nd round was when someone asked Lapierre what are the keys. He responeded that keys are small metal things that open doors. Ha!

You could say the Canucks were like the Anti-Habs (not Antti). The Blackhawks, while they waned on two occasions, played with reckless abandon and had a swagger that didn't care how weak their options in net were because they believed they could disrupt Luongo, the Sedins, get Burrows to take bad penalties, and attack an already devestated blueline to win. What the Canucks failed to do enough of was play as a team and a coach that failed to adapt. You could make a movie on Joel Quenneville's epic time outs. And when it came down to staying alive, in front of their home crowd once more, ironically the only player that appeared to have balls was the one who just lost one.

Effort, and commitment. Canucks were way too individual and their effort not very consistent enough to win when it mattered for them. A glaring example was the effort to stop that shorthanded goal... Maybe they should have hypnotized Demitra that he was playing in the Olympics for Team Slovakia and there was a good chance they would get a medal?

As for the Pens, it's rare to find something on Puck Daddy that actually makes sense. But Orpik basically called it like it was:

"A lot's going to be put on us like it has been all series," Pittsburgh defenseman Brooks Orpik said. "I mean, they've beaten Washington and now they've beaten us. I think it's time to give this team some credit for what they've done rather than picking apart why we didn't do what we were supposed to do."

While my confidence in the Habs made me believe they would win the game 5-3 and give us free wings, my inner prediction wasn't far off. However even I couldn't believe how shellshocked the Pens looked in a Game 7 that not only meant the possiblility of going on to the next round and to a much wanted second consecutive Cup and third consecutive finals appearance, but defending one's barn in what would be it's farewell game in a loss. I think the only comparable I could make would be if the Habs came out during the Centennial game and let out a big, nasty fart.

I'm sure the Pens can find a way to fix their problems exposed from this series (ie. need scoring wingers, and shut down D), I don't have much confidence in the Canucks to do the same. Perhaps there is wisdom in doing contract talks once the season is over after all?

And now for an exploding penguin.

Round 2 Game 7: THIS!

First, stop with the "Cinderella". This team isn't Cinderella. This team is a TEAM. From the net, to the D, to the forwards. One team, a team that played as a full roster for ONE GAME all season. A team with playoff tested veterans like Gionta and Gomez and Moen and Gill who aren't propped up by the League's posters and are already putting on their business face for the next round. Cinderella doesn't set up a structure to frustrate and shut down the other team's shooters. Cinderella doesn't take full advantage of opportunities handed to them. Powerplay. Penalty kill. Five on five. They know how to handle it now.

Second, be proud Pittsburgh that the team who opened your arena will shut it down. It could have been some expansion team or something like that.... After all, isn't it more mystical and historical to say "the Montreal Canadiens, who opened the building with a 2-1 win, played a great game to beat our team 5-2 and sent the Igloo out in a stunning fashion".

Third, Bob Gainey is smiling for reals.

Fourth, all day I called it: "free wings".

Fifth, this franchise.... The Cincinnati Cyclones are the first team in ECHL history to come back from a 3-0 hole to win a Game 7 (and it was a 1-0 shutout by Robert Mayer to boot). The Habs are currently the only playoff team with their AHL and ECHL teams still in their own playoff runs.

GO HABS GO!

Round 2 Game 6: Take it to the Igloo

This is what we missed during the TV time out after Cammy scored that sexy sexy sexy 2nd goal. I dare you to beat this Morgueloo. Or will you be busy knitting behind the bench. (A Dickens' fan?)

I'm thinking all those people who wrote premature eulogie and apologetic excuses feel kind of weird right now eh.

Ladies and gentleman, you're current League-leading goal scorer is MICHAEL CAMMALLERI! Also leapfrogged Damphousse.

Bullet points in bullet time:
- Is it possible for four players to win a Conn Smythe? Cammy, Gorges, Gill, and Jaro in that order.
- That 'A' looks gorgeous on you, Gorges.
- PK had 30 minutes of ice time. THIRTY MINUTES! All mostly in Crosby's face. I wonder if he dreams about PK's lovely smile flashing by as he smokes down the ice with the puck...
- Bergeron is NOT Hal Gill. Notice? No Gill, Crosby scores 1... Versus guy says Hal would have had him.
- Marry me, Cammy.
- According to Cammy, AK46 is awesome. Our BelaBear is waking up again. Two assists and a solid hit on Staaaal. Also would have scored if he wasn't being hooked by Crosby. (Oh sorry, a "great defensive play" that would have been called a hook if done by any other player wearing red YES I'M WEARING MY TINFOIL TUQUE!)
- Gomez suffers from Hisics (Higgins Physics) in that a sure goal will turn into a miss. However, Gomezics allows him to pass the puck through a thicket.
- Does Crosby have a special Gretzky clause in that the refs just really can't call him for any kind of penalty? Really?
- I'm really hoping the boys rallied around Gill missing the game to get him into Game 7.
- Saskatcheplough ploughed the front of the net and saved a goal.
- Spacek should have more vertigo if it makes him score like that.
- Mad Max smells Dumont coming up behind him eh? What a goal!
- M. Beliveau air fist pumping to Metro while in the hallway was the most awesome thing ever.
- Cammy accepting his first star to thunderous applause worthy of a Koivu return.
- We've officially dumbfounded PJ Stock. Of course, I thought he was already dumb...

Game 7. It's cold out. It snowed yesterday. The Bruins might also be going to 7. We simply cannot have Spring until the Habs and Bruins meet. It's like the groundhog day of our lives. The planet demands it, boys! Make it so.

The Habs won the first game ever played in the Morgueloo. They have a chance to close that barn down and totally come full circle.

Off topic, though semi related. Someone on twitter mentioned the Habs D was basically taped together with duct tape, but if there's one thing Red Green taught us it's that duct tape solves everything. My hamster's water bottle appears to have broken. I don't have duct tape, but I do have clear hockey tape. That works too!

Round 2 Game 6: THE GOOD GUYS WIN!
Playfair didn't explode from what I know. Sanford had a shutout. It was a 4-0 smackdown on the goondsquad Abbotsford Heat. North Division Champs! Bulldogs are going to the Western Conference finals!

Yea, the Habs are the only team with both teams still in the playoffs. And we know they're watching and cheering.

Can you believe the Blues traded away Palushaj (a 2nd rounder) for Dagger (a sixth rounder). Tonight he got a goal, 2 assists, and the 3rd star. Desharnais and Trotter also scored with Glumac getting the empty netter.

Next up, it'll either be the Stars or the Wolves. (Hi Ron and Don and Stewie!)

Survivor Playoffs 2010: The Detroit Red Wings

DING DONG THE WITCH IS DEAD!

Yea. I don't like the Red Wings. Therefore I will plan a parade for their elimination. Well, a parade in my mind.

And this year, nothing would have pissed me off more than to see that fucking joke Bertuzzi raise the Cup over his head and kiss it.

Petty? Maybe. But you're the ones that signed that idiot.

Round 2 Game 5: You sunk my battleship

Gill getting cut by Kunitz's skate is bad news. Though he was in a suit standing behind Price and was walking on his own. Then again so was Markov.

Top 10 reasons why an injured Hal Gill is bad
10. He just blocked his 50th shot
9. Slippy out there against Crosby now. Coach, you are rediculous.
8. No seriously, 20 minutes of ice time for Marc-Andre Bergeron. Are you trying to kill us?
7. Gorges now has to work even more overtime. There's only so much room on his shoulders left to carry this team!
6. FUCKING BERGERON!
5. We're running out of defencemen.
4. May as well put Price on D. I can't take anymore Bergeron.
3. Leadership from the ice > leadership from the room
2. Did I mention more Bergeron? And more Hamr?
1. A dizzy Spacek has no choice but to play.

Crosby unable to bury that empty net should be a "history will be made" video.

Round 2 Game 5: Goonsquad must be squashed
FIVE UNANSWERED GOALS! (Two empty netters) Suck it, Abbotsford. One more game to bury that goonsquad for good.

Glumac: 2 goals
Benoit: the go-ahead goal assisted off a clean faceoff win by Facecage White
Russell: first empty netter
Desharnais: second empty netter right at the buzzer
Sanford: he's baaaaaaaaaack (which is good 'cause Desjardins was getting raggedy)

Round 2 Game 4: Out for Justice

Only team "out for justice" are the Habs, you whiny twerpy pricks.

Speaking of playoff slogans, what are the Habs using? I don't think they ever had a slogan...considering their jersey is a slogan. Or the slogan over the door that connects the room to the rink. Or the slogan (quote) on the wall from "In Flanders Fields".

Dominic Moore gave us "blood in the beard": a slogan that defines this team's character. No matter the odds, get smacked in the face, don't depend on the shitty officials, and keep on going.

I have never seen this team this close together since '93 where, when things were looking bleak, they were practically in each others arms terrified together at the prospect of being eliminated until fortune finally shone on them with an illegal stick. Tonight, as the final seconds ticked away and the Pens pulled Fleury for an extra man, not ONE person was seated on the bench. Each player were on their feet, some leaning over the boards, on the edge, Price was snuggled in close and banging on the glass. When the puck cleared the first time they all jumped and cheered like they scored a goal. When the game was over they poured over the boards as if they won the Cup already. They're so close and excited you can't help but fall in love with them.

...Can Gionta get his C now, please?

Round 2 Game 4: Why you so far, Abbotsford
What a silly system of 2-3-2 for the playoffs... Heat currently lead 2-1. C'mon Bulldogs, do like your big brothers did tonight. (*edit* Doesn't look like they will, now it's 4-1 Heat).

Quote of the night (during 2nd intermission):
Patrick Williams "Habs are the Abbotsford Heat of the NHL"
Derek Wills "...but more skilled and less stupid."

Round 2 Game 3: Another robbery!

Stolen: Rope-a-dope system. If found please chain it to a concrete block and dump it in the river. It's for the greater good.

Pittsburgh out-Montrealed Montreal tonight.

Missing: Sergei Kostitsyn. Probably locked in Jacques Martin's trunk. If discovered please return him to his brother's side on the ice and lock Jacques Martin in the trunk. Kirk Muller approves.

Yea coach, get your head out of your ASS and play one of your best young passers please? Darche Vader and his ZERO TOI ain't cutting it right now.

Found: Whiny little twerp wearing the number 87, dressed in white black and gold, crying constantly about injustices whilst slashing a random player on the legs.

Please pick him up at the service desk and return him to Pittsburgh asap.

Discovered: Bad Officials. Punishment for screwing the Red Wings/Sharks obviously means rewarding them with protecting Lady Crosby and Sir Malkin's honour.

Interesting application of specialty rules for what happened at the end of the 2nd but obviously a glorious gift to Commissar Bettman who enjoyed it immensely. And for good measure keep holding Andrei's stick, Orpik. We know you want to.

Actual game review: Fleury finally woke up and made the bigger difference in tonight's game. Good for him.

Round 2 Game 3: Bulldogs are currently in Abbotsford...
...and I hate their fucking timezone.

*UPDATE!* Bulldogs win 3-2 and Olivier Fortier (aka. QuebecPleks) scored the winner without getting injured! And Gabby scored the tying goal! That's right, Lapierre... Gabby is already inching his way into your roster spot. Rear view mirror, check it!

Round 2 Game 2: There's been a robbery!

Stolen: Home ice. If located please contact your local official so he might hand out the appropriate penalties.

And after the one error that caused a hilarious "what the fuck are you doing" look by Muller to Martin (oh that was awesome), the Habs wised up, pushed the Pens outside, kept them clear of the front of the net and the center and generally annoyed the piss out of them so much so that Crosby completely flipped out. The shot total? Who cares. Most were perimeter shots and fairly routine. If there's one thing people have discovered this year it's that you can't win on the back of one player alone. Sure you can win a game, but not a series.

First off, this goal was fucking awesome.

Oh and McAwkward? Cammy doesn't even reach over the crossbar. That's like calling Gio for highsticking.

Where would we be without Mike Cammalleri? Well, we wouldn't have any goals scored. Likewise it's tough without Markov but Subban totally makes up for his loss. That kid, the kid I called a mini Bobby Orr and no one believed me, over 20 minutes of ice time in only his fourth playoff game and he's already got a goal and two assists. Hal Gill, oh what can we say of Hal Gill that even Crosby wants to give him hugs. Gorges, Hamr, even Bergeron was decent enough on D, that a ragged Jaro was able to get his form back and not worry too much. Gomez and Gionta, joined at the hip, and Pouliot is slowly figuring out what to do in the playoffs. Pyatt doesn't need points, he's supposed to prevent them. Moore and Lapierre, organized and defiant.

We know what this team is made off. Character. Will their character win out in the end? No idea. But they'll continue to work on it, and continue to try, and hopefully continue to befuddle TSN and CBC and all the annoying sports network talking heads that just don't get it. (Memo to Brian Wilde: please shut up, you make yourself look and sound like such a tool after every game).


Round 2 Game 2: Same for the Dogs!
If character is what describes our Habs, the same could be said for our Bulldogs in their own 3-1 win on the Heat to tie the series back up. Take Ryan White: scores a goal early in the first, takes a puck to the face near the end of the 1st, spends the whole 2nd period getting stitched up, and returns in the 3rd with a full face shield, doesn't miss a bit, doesn't let up on how he plays, comes out to accept his game star covered in blood.

Now they spend 3 games in Abbotsford to try and win this series.

Top 10 ways Habs can win Round 2

10. Recreate the Titty-Pleks line. "You bench my little brother for no good reason, my mind goes blank." Is Jacques Martin an only child? Because he sure as hell doesn't understand the connection between siblings. Bet he'd split up the Sedins if he had them.

9. Carey and Jaro switch jerseys and spend the entire series living with their masks on to conceal their plan. Makes eating difficult and looks weird in the shower, but the rest of the guys have already come to the conclusion that goalies are a little bit crazy. The plan could fall through when someone asks "Jaro" how he grew 5 extra inches and looks incredibly buff. Carey will practice his best Slovakian accent to reply "Chlots o' chokolet michlk". Jaro needs to start liking country music fast.

8. Andrei Markov, all-star defenceman. A man barely held together. Gentlemen, we can rebuild him. We have the technology. We have the capability to build the world's first bionic man. Andrei Markov will be that man. Better than he was before. Better, stronger, faster. He is the 5.75-million dollar man!

7. Put Bergeron in a box, wrap it up pretty with nice paper and a golden bow, and leave him by Dan Bylsma's office with a lovely card that reads "It's tradition to give the opposing coach a gift". Trojan horse, set!

6. Lure Fleury into playing the puck. Guaranteed at least 3 goals!

5. Give Subban the puck. No really, just give him the puck! And follow him.

4. Kirk Muller becomes the first player-coach in a long time. Taking over the team on the ice was only HALF his plan, now it's time to take over the bench. Martin will just do the press conferences to please RDS, CKAC, LaPresse, and Le Journal de Montreal. Ultimate puppetmaster and politically correct by Quebec standards.

3. Constantly comment on Crosby's big ass. Follow him around on the ice whilst whistling. Get Lapierre to do it.

2. Set the Saskatcheplow (Travis Moen) to destroy and aim him right for Matt Cooke. Might not be instrumental in winning a game but it'll make everyone feel better.

1. Hal Gill reveals he's not a Pretender battleship but the Green Lantern! Nothing in the rulebook against power rings. Pretty sure he's got enough willpower to build a couple of green walls. Shot blocking taken to a whole new level!

Bonus (because it's the Pens): Pens wear black. Hypnotize the Habs to believe they're playing the Bruins. Habs in 7.